revjim.net

These are my first impressions of the iPhone OS 3.0 versus Android 1.5.

I've been using Android for 3 months now and Android 1.5 for about 3 weeks.

I've only had 1 day with iPhone OS 3.0.

I'm running Android on a T-Mobile G1. I'm running iPhone OS on an iPod Touch 2G 8GB.

In comparison to iPhone hardware, I'm lacking the mobile network, the camera, and the built in microphone. Specwise, the Touch 2G is faster than the iPhone 2G and 3G but slower than the 3GS.

OnScreen Keyboard
iPhone

iPhone gets this right. The Android keyboard works, and even has some features that I prefer. For instance, when hitting "shift" the keys all change from upper to lowercase letters making it obvious if you are capitalizing or not. I also like that the word changes/choices appear above the keyboard (where my eyes are) and not up in the text (where my eyes only go sometimes). But, in the end, I can type A LOT faster on the iPhone keyboard and make fewer errors. And That's only after 1 day of use. I'm sure, in time, I'll get even better.

Physical Keyboard
Android

Since iPhone doesn't have one, Android wins. If you want physical keys, then this is a good thing. If you don't need them, then you don't care. As it stands now, I can type faster on my physical Android keyboard than I can on the iPhone OnScreen keyboard. As I get better at iPhone, that may change.

Browser
iPhone

The iPhone Browser is FAST and easy to use. It still stalls now and then, but not nearly as often as Android. Plus the multi-touch hardware really excels here.  Android seems able to display everything it can and in every case I tested it does so just as well in the end. But it typically takes longer to get there.

Photos
iPhone

Android photo browser sucks. It's slow and complicated. Replacements available in the Market aren't much better. iPhone is fast and easy, as it should be.

Mail
iPhone

Despite the fact that the Mail app on Android is native to gMail and that I use gMail, I still find the experience better on iPhone. Deleting and sorting mail is fast and easy. Despite the fact that some things I use are harder to get to, the speed of the app makes up for any difficulty.

Push Mail
Android-ish

My mail doesn't seem to push at all on iPhone OS. But that may be because push only works with iPhone hardware and not with Touch hardware. Perhaps the mobile network is required for push? Regardless it doesn't work. And Android does. But only for gMail.

Push / Pull
Android-ish

Android doesn't implement Push. Individual apps do. Therefore, the apps must be running in the background to accept pushed content. When this happens, it typically works well, though each implementation is different. Other apps Pull content at regular intervals. This also works well but is more battery consuming, network consuming, and still requires the app to be running in the background.

iPhone has real Push. However, I've not seen many apps that use it. I tried AIM, because it was free and supported push. I found the Push interface to be obtrusive at best. I'm not sure if that method of operation is required or is simply how AIM chooses to implement it. Looking for other Push enabled apps to try.

I had hoped it would work similar to Android's notification bar. A pushed message causes something to happen. Usually, a notification of sorts in a common place to inform the user of pending interaction. However, ideally, it would also allow for an action to take place without user interaction. For instance, Loopt might push a request for location. I don't want to have to acknowledge that then fire up the app to update location. Ideally, the pushed notification would cause the update to happen and then the app to die. Apps requiring user interaction would notify in a common location and not with an annoying popup for each event. Then again, part of that may be AIM's implementation. Perhaps all that I desire is possible and AIM just used it poorly.

General Use
iPhone

iPhone is smooth. Everything works almost exactly as expected with only a few caveats. On Android, when scrolling around on a webpage, for instance, I often accidentally click links. This never happens on iPhone. The UI programmers have put a lot of thought into when users are scrolling and when they are clicking and how to tell the two apart.

The same is true for all of the menus. Everything is fast, and pops, and is consistent with very few exceptions. 

3rd Party Apps
iPhone-ish

iPhone has been around longer. There are lots of good solid apps available for iPhone. Especially in the "games" arena. It's shocking, really. However, Android is catching up. And the Android apps that are available (General Use issues mentioned above aside) work just as good if not better (because of Push/Pull features) than the iPhone counterparts. 

Hardware
iPhone

The iPod Touch screen is bigger and nicer looking. I don't have a camera to compare or anything like that since I'm working with the Touch. The Touch is lighter than the G1 and I believe the iPhone is as well. It also feels more solid in the hand.

Development
Android

The Android SDK is free and available on Mac, Linux, or Windows. The iPhone SDK requires a membership and is only available on Mac. iPhone apps can only be distributed through the App Store, The same memebership for the SDK is required. Prices run $99-$299 depending on use. Android apps can be distributed outside of the Market. Placing an app in the Market requires a $25 developers membership.

14 long days

My inlaws called Jess two days ago to give her final dates for their trip out here. Instead of 10 days they are staying 14. Instead of driving they are flying. Instead of coming at the end of July they are coming on July 6th. They will not be renting a car. They will not be getting a hotel. Surprise!

I had half a mind to not be accomating when it comes to Celeste's time because that's just ridiculous. But at the same time, I want them to be a part of Celeste's life and I don't know how much of the "Surprise" was them changing their mind last minute, and how much of it was Jess not seeking to get dates and times soon enough.

Regardless, they'll be here for 14 days and I won't be seeing Celeste for most of it.

Jess and I worked out a decent plan. I get a bunch of days before and after to make up for the time when they are here. I also get two evenings throughout their stay so that it's not so long without so much as even seeing her. And finally, I've got preapproval to do something similar myself in the fall so I can take Celeste to New York and Vermont for 4 to 6 days.

It's going to be a long, hard two weeks. Thankfully, I'm lining up distractions.

The 4th of July!

I've got Celeste with me for five days in a row. In these five days there are three days off of work. We have some plans but, for the most part, I'm just packing very full bags and playing it all by ear.

There are tentative plans to go to a Splash Park Friday morning. There are more tentative plans to see Fireworks in Addison or possibly Carrollton on Friday night. There are fairly solid plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night. The rest is unknown. I'm sure there will be swimming and singing and playing and book reading and sidewalk chalk — always sidewalk chalk.

My Birthday!

My Birthday is July 8th and it's one of the days I've worked out to have with Celeste. So that's extra nice, especially since I spent my last birthday without her (or anyone, actually) when Jess took her to Canada. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm doing it but, really, as long as I have Celeste there I'm doing better than I ever have before. More than likely, whatever it is, you're invited. I rarely turn down the opportunity for good company.

Home Improvement

I'm hoping to build a headboard and put down hard flooring upstairs which Celeste is away. I'm still seeking help and arrangements for getting the flooring done. The headboard I can do myself. If I can't do the flooring, I'll tackle a few organization projects instead. Company both welcome and greatly apprecaited.

SPOON!

Saturday, July 11th, myself and 9 other people will be traveling to the great city of Austin, TX is order to witness live musicians calling themselves "Spoon" perform on stage at Stubb's.

Several of my favorite people will be there with me and this promises to epic.

The Gulf Coast

The day after Spoon, as everyone else heads back to DFW myself and two good friends will travel to the Texas Gulf Coast for four days. Yes, I've never been. I know that's sad. Despite claims from some that it is nothing but a swampy shithole, I'm confident that the opportunties for photographic, culinary, social, mental, and personal stimulation will be plenty. Plus, we've got our very own Spirit Guide.

I've been in swampy shitholes before and came out smiling. The greatest competition toward enjoyment will come from the same three places they usually do no matter where I am: the humidity, the bugs, and my own mind.

I don't have any details on where we're going other than "that way". I don't know where I'm staying, where I'm eating, or which spots are on the list of "must-sees". I'm, hopefully, working all of that out over the next few days.

The worst part

One of the only truly difficult parts about being separated from Jess is being without my daughter. When all of this finally started working itself into what it is today, I knew there would come a time where I would have to go without her for much longer than I care to. Now is that time.

It makes me sad that it has to be like this. It makes me sad that in the middle of it all there might be a sad, confused little girl who wants her Daddy and can't figure out why no one will let her see him or — worse — why he's not coming to see her like he always does. I hope and pray that she's not old enough to feel that this time around and that when the next time comes she might be old enough to understand.

But still, tears stream down my face as I write these words and I can't make them stop. Because I understand the hows and whys of it all, as much as it hurts to be away from her, I can get by. In the end, though I may be sad, I'll be okay. But it breaks my heart over and over again to think of what she might go through.

My greatest hope is that the distraction provided by her grandparents will be enough to keep her from noticing too often and that they will plan some activities for her to keep her active and entertained as opposed to sitting around avoiding the nasty Texas heat as we are so often inclined to do.

Finally, I hope that if she really gets distressed that Jess and my inlaws will find it somewhere in themselves to invite me over for a few hours in order to show my little girl that her daddy isn't gone forever.

7,223 updates ago, I started a Twitter account: twitter.com/revjim. I had locked updates and all was good and right in the world and I knew all of 3 people using the service.

Things have changed.

As I mentioned in detail on Jonathan's LJ, people use Twitter in very different ways. I have two very different kinds of followers:

1) People interested in my website, my photography, my personal thoughts, and links of interest to me.

2) People interested in the current mostly mundane details of my local life and making small talk about it.

Now keep in mind, there are people who fit both categories. In fact most people who fit in group 2 probably at lesat partly live in group 1. However, not all of those people would prefer to subscribe to each individual source of information as opposed to using twitter to aggregate it all.

Despite the fact that I believe I should continue to use technology in a way that does me the most good, at the same time, if I can do something without putting myself out too far to make more people more happy with the way I'm using that technology, then it becomes even more useful.

So, I now have two Twitter accounts.

twitter.com/revjim: This will be manual updates about my life and, for the most part, all original content. Full of "Celeste just pooped in the potty", "I'm getting coffee", "I am SOOOOO drunk", "I'm eating a chicken sandwich", "I have a headache", "I'm in El Paso!", "I just bought a iPod Touch", and "I really hate Apple". There will be location based updates as well (from Loopt or whatever tool I choose). There will also be @replies to other friends, etc. This will be my primary use account. The status updates will be syndicated to Facebook as they are now. Lots of noise here. Very little signal. Mostly useless information but still a large part of the "fun" of Twitter. Should average about 20 updates a day though 80% of them will be replies to people you may not follow, in which case you won't even see them. This will be locked/private.

twitter.com/revjimweb: Website updates, photos, and links to longer, more thought out posts all over the web including comments made on other blogs and journals. It will consist of only links and responses to those links. Should average about 5 updates a day, give or take. However, there may be some replies if followers choose to interact with the content in that way. For instance, replying directly in Twitter, using Tweetboard, or authenticating with Disqus through Twitter.

Follow (or UnFollow) as you desire. You won't hurt my feelings either way.

(and I may get a few in the wrong place as I switch all my tools over, so bear with me.)

At the end of this month my ex-inlaws are driving down from Canada to visit with Celeste and Jess. They are staying for 10 days and, of course, they want to see Celeste as much as possible which means, ideally, all 10 days. This is understandable and wonderful and all of those other good words. And I, of course, want them to be as big a part of Celeste's life as possible. And I want Celeste to spend as much time with them as she can get.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck, too. 10 days is such a long time.

I'm not officially on bad terms with them or anything. In fact, we converse as much now as we did when Jess and I were together. Maybe more. But I also didn't catch even a hint of an invitation from Jess to come over for dinner one or twice throughout the 10 days.

On the one hand I know 10 days is going to be rough. Very rough. Because I'm just that way. I feel all the important feelings with intense amplification. So I'm inclined to distract myself as heavily as possible: ROAD TRIP. Or debauchery. But a Road Trip is more likely.

On the other hand, on the off chance that something should happen I'd like to be around. Not anything bad. I know she's in good hands with Jess and even more so with her parents around. And my parents and many of my friends would be happy to step in if something should happen and assistance were needed. I'm not worried at all in that regard. But… if Celeste should ask for me I'd like to be reachable by phone. Or if Jess should decide to give me a night or invite me to dinner on whim, if I'm not around then I'll feel guilty for not being there. Not because I should feel guilty but because that's just how I am.

So I'm thinking, whatever I do, I'll try to get it done in the first 4 to 6 days. That'll leave me with 4 to 6 more days to recover, get some stuff done around the house, engage in debauchery, and be available just in case.

It looks like the Texas Gulf Coast is the destination of choice. That's way exciting for me. Believe it or not, I've never been.

(this is just random crap. every paragraph is a new topic. skimming may suit you best, here)

I have Friday off and I have Celeste all day. Weekends are the best when I have her. This coming weekend is now 50% longer than an average weekend. It's like a sweet little unexpected present.

I have awesome plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night with a friend and her daughter. I can't wait to see Celeste's face when they go off. I can't remember what we did last 4th of July, but I'm pretty sure we were on a plane, in an airport, or checking into a hotel room. So this is really her first experience with fireworks. I think she's going to LOVE them. We're going to bring some snacks and a couple of camp chairs, and turn the back of my SUV into a little bed. I doubt she'll sleep with so much excitement but it'll be a nice clean place to sit and/or roll around anyway.

Yesterday as I was putting Celeste to sleep, she leaned forward and gave me a great big kiss. Then she said "more dada".

I'm planning a road trip for the end of July/first week of August. Probably 4 to 6 days. I've never seen the Texas Gulf Coast, but it's hot and humid so I'm reluctant. Southern Utah sounds like fun, but the 20 hours of driving alone to get there doesn't. Anyone want to come along? Either way, I could CouchSurf my way there. That would make it more enjoyable.

I understand that people have bad days every now and then. And I understand that bad days can lead to a snippy conversation or pointing anger and frustration in places where it isn't deserved. It's not great, but it happens. I'm guilty of this myself many times over. Being treated this way by other people makes me realize how difficult it must have been to deal with me when I got this way. However, when that misplaced anger turns into accusation, passive aggression, and guilt trips it becomes even worse. And that becomes a pattern, it becomes absolutely tiring.

I'm already pretty shy when it comes to girls and dating. It's just not something I was ever very good at. Being a recently separated, single dad, who still isn't technically divorced doesn't really make it any easier. And between Celeste and work, I really have very little time left. So having romantic feelings toward anyone is a pretty crazy thing to even consider. But, it's not exactly something I can stop. But even if it goes nowhere, it's fun to think about… so why not?

Last night I went to change Celeste and whatever the circumstances were somehow she thought it meant I was putting her to bed, though it was quite a bit before her usual bedtime with me. At first I thought maybe she was just tired, so I continued with the bedtime ritual. But she wasn't. She was, however, content to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. It was amazing (and heart warming) to see her so willing to do what she thought I wanted even if it wasn't exactly the most fun for her. After a little bit I asked her if she was going "night night" and she said "yes". Then I asked her if she was sleepy and she said "no". I asked her if she'd rather play or sleep and she said "play". So I told her she could get up and we could read some books if she wanted. So she did. We read lots of books, had a nice snack, played with blocks, and then eventually went back to bed.

I have my last Chiropractor and Massage appointment today. My massuse says that my neck is so heaviily knotted that I'm what massage students would consider a good learning tool. Ha. All I know is that whatever she does hurts like hell when she's doing it but leaves me with a VERY clear head about 30 minutes after she's done that lasts about 24 hours or so. So I figure, if I could just see her every day, I'd be cured.

I have so many photographs to share. My camera never stops clicking. But, with so many I start to have a really hard time picking out which ones to share and the whole task becomes overwhelming. So, I think I'm just going to start just picking one photo a day at random, spending a few minutes spicing it up, and then publishing it. It'll cause Arranging Light to border more on "experimental" than it has in the past, but that's always been the point anyway.

I'm starting to have a hard time figuring out how to teach Celeste what's okay and what isn't. Yesterday we were playing outside and she decided to climb on someone elses front porch. I told her "no" and she ran and hid behind a chair there. I told her to come back and she wouldn't budge. I know she was playing. "Chase" is one of her favorite games to play. I could see her playing face. And I can tell when her playing face turns into a "oh no I did something wrong" face. And eventually it did change. But, she still wasn't moving. I eventually went up and got her. Maybe she's just playing me but I don't think she understood what was wrong, only that something was. I tried to explain to her that she just needs to do whatever I say when I say it, which she seems to understand, but it still didn't fully click.

My approach of giving Celeste a "time out" of sorts in my lap when she isn't listening well and talking to her one-on-one does work. Quite well, actually. I actually surprise myself sometimes. The problem is, it's a teaching tool and not an action tool. Almost proving my point, we were back outside not 10 minutes later and I saw — I'm not kidding — three wasps fall out of the tree she was under and land on the grass next to her in a jumbled mass. Worried their might be more I said "Celeste, come here right now". But she, once again, decided it was a game. I reached under the tree and snacthed her up which, ordinarily, she might have thought was fun. But coupled with my tone and the urgency in my face, it wasn't fun any more. I don't want to stop having fun with her, but at the same time I need to find a way to communicate the difference between "fun" and "serious".

I'm playing that game again where I load a revolver haphazardly with all the different things that might make me feel better and then pull the trigger as fast as I can until I do. Food, drugs, sex, music, sleep, exercise, anything! I just load it up with different combinations and go.

Sometimes it works. Not usually, but sometimes. Of course doing it this way, when it does work I never really know why. But, when I get this desperate, I stop caring about why and just want to feel better. I have money to make and a life to live and a daughter to sing to and friends to enjoy the company of. Laying in bed because the day is too bright or the world is too loud or the ground is too wobbly just isn't an option. Which is good, because I need fewer options. I just wish I had clearer methods of coping.

I'd really like to stop guessing. I'd like to know that pulling this lever and pressing that button will fix one problem. At this point, aside from sudden death, I don't even care so much what other things those levers and buttons might be doing, as long as the problem goes away.

Mind over matter, as my new friend Kelly pointed out, is a big thing that helps a lot. Sometimes, truly, I can distract myself enough to let it pass and do the smallest damage possible. But, more often than not, it's too strong, or life is too steep to let that happen easily. Yet still it remains my best option.

I want more options. So, I'm seeking them.

There are a few things I can control. So I'm going to try them first.

Food.

Celeste eats five times a day. I imagine the less technologically advanced version of myself that lived 2,000 or even 8,000 years ago probably ate whenever food was around. So I'm going to stretch my own food out into 5 snacks and focus on raw foods. This works well since raw food is a good choice for Celeste too. By taking out any risk of chemical or "unknown" ingredients it will also help me determine if there is a food trigger to any of this.

Exercise.

I need more of it. I tend to get lazy in the summer thanks to the heat. I need to ignore that. Drink lots of water and just keep moving. I'm starting the Yoga thing on Wednesday. I want to spend an hour exercising every day that I don't have Celeste, and at least 30 minutes doing light exercises early in the morning or late at night on the days that I do. So that's the plan there.

Other things.

Chiropractic Care really helps when coupled with Physical Therapy and especially massage. But my insurance company has decided that 20 visits a year is plenty and I'm now at my limit. I can't afford $150/week to keep going. So, I have one more visit this week and then I'm done until January. I used to have a Chiropractor (without massage) that worked for $25/visit. I need to see if I can find her again. She was fantastic.

How can you help?

Accupuncture. I've never tried accupuncture as a treatment for this. Not a full course, anyway. I know an awesome accupunturist. Sadly, she lives and works quite a ways outside of my circle which means that seeing her on a weekly basis would be less than ideal. Additionally, she doesn't take my insurance (or at least didn't last time I checked). But I did manage to find an accupuncturist near my office within my insurance program. So I might give her a shot. But if you have a recommendation, I'll take it.

Massage. I have found great results with massage therapy. But it isn't covered at all by my insurance unless it's walked in the backdoor as part of Chiropractic Care. So, if you know of someone near my home or office that I can afford, I'd love to have that information as well. My neighbor is a massage therapist and I'd happily employ her, but she's less than a month from giving birth so I'm not comfortable asking.

Herbs. I've yet to find an herbal mix that really works. I've taken lots of stuff that might work, but it requires continued use to see an effect and, by that time, I never can tell what's working and what isn't. If you're an herbalist or know one, I'll take any recommendations you have to reduce headaches, reduce muscle tension in the neck, and reduce drainage in the throat.

Blood sugar, sex, magik. You laugh, but I'm serious. In many cases I believe increased blood flow makes me feel better. And, in fact, a lot of the stuff I've listed above, in the end, does just that. And blood sugar surely plays a role in that. So I'm experiementing with controlling it to see what effects it might have. If you have reccomendations here, I'd love to hear them. And, it stands to reason that sex/sexuality and magik, which are both exciting, invigourating, and potentially uplifting would serve that same purpose. At the very least, it'll serve as a good distraction. And I was just listening to "breaking the girl" from that Chilli Peppers album, so, it was stuck in my head.

I just want to feel better. And in the meantime I'm learning how to cope with things when I'm not.

Something tells me I should just keep writing, even if I don't really have anything to say. So, I'll keep it up until either I get bored or you all do.

Today is Sunday which, at least here in North America, means "church day" for a lot of people.

Yesterday I wrote this:

much like God, it's easier for me to define love in what it isn't instead of what it is.

Now that I really consider it, when trying to state what they are, I often define God and Love in almost exactly the same way.

Despite religious upbringing of several different varieties, with exception of a few pockets here and there, I've never been a very religious person. Don't confuse "religious" with "spiritual" however, as I am a very spiritual person. I just never could get into the doctrine and dogma that comes with "religion". If you consider for a second that even if you only selected 50% of the people of this planet to consider as genuinely good natured, we are all, every inhabitant of this planet, still damned to some less than ideal afterlife by at least one of them.

I love the concept of religion. I love ritual and tradition. I love meaning. I love using smaller, simpler tools to explain larger, more difficult concepts. What I don't like about religion is that fact that they are all so eager to decide that everyone else is wrong.

I recently answered a silly poll question with a very serious answer. The question was "Do you really believe in the 'bad things come in 3's' thing?". I wrote:

I think we perceive things in ways that help us to understand them. By grouping things into threes it helps us understand that there is more to come, but also that there is an end. We see patterns because patterns help us understand.

Take this from Hinduism if you will: Brahman is the infinite, transcendent reality which is the Divine Ground of everything. In other words, Brahman is the highest and truest "God". But understanding such a profound concept is difficult for even the most devout and learned. So, put simply, Hinduism has many, MANY Gods: personifications of various aspects of the infinite Brahman. Patterns detected in the whole of divinity and put into a shape and size that we humans can absorb and interpret and apply.

Hinduism uses two different words here. Saguna Brahman to indicate the "God" with form and traits and therefore, often, doctrine and dogma. And then there is Nirguna Brahman, the formless "God" that represents all things. Yet even Hindus with this great understanding of the true nature of "God" often focus more on the Saguna Brahman because it is so much more accessible and identifiable.

Which leads me to why I am so happy to have found a Unitarian Universalist Congregation. Don't worry. This isn't a pitch. I'm not trying to sign anyone up. I don't get points with God for bringing you to the light nor do I get some kind of eternal credit for saving your soul nor do I believe that most souls even need saving.

We UUs are bounded together by our spirituality. However, we also collectively recognize the purpose of dogma and the personification of God. We don't deny the usefulness of that personification, nor do we try to discourage it's use or practice. Instead, in fact, we take from the stories and teachings of many religions and incorporate them into our own teachings, allowing each person to pick and choose which stories mean the most to them. In the end, we're all left with a shared sense of love, community, and belonging, and a melting pot of "I believe" to share with one another.

It's not perfect, of course. Nothing is. We all carry so much dogma and such a great sense of competition and righteousness that it's often hard to let it all go. But we try. When it comes to discussing spiritual matters and matters of the heart, it's one of the most comfortable places I've ever spoken up and felt accepted.

I hope that whoever you are, where ever you are, if you've learned anything at all about God, the most important of all of it can be summed up in these Beatles lyrics:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's Easy…

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but learn how to be you in time.
It's Easy…

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's Easy…

All you need is Love.
All you need is Love.
All you need is Love, LOVE!
Love is all you need!

Proximity is a determining factor in any relationship. Depending on those involved the effects can be different, but it always matters. The great big Internet is supposed to bring us all closer and make us all local, and it does, to some degree. But in all the ways that it makes the world smaller, it only serves to remind us just how fucking big it is.

While the virtual world can help us all stay close and connected and make the distance between us less important, at some point those virtual connections become real connections. And, if the relationship is strong and good, then we only want nothing more than to make a real connection again and again. But when you continue to do this with people scattered all over the globe with different ties to different places for different reasons, your ability to see any and all of them in that very real sense becomes distinctly, hopelessly, impossible.

Even a subset of the world as small as Dallas Fort Worth (which is REALLY fucking small when you think about the entire world) is HUGE when you factor in such things.

Look at this: my brother is about to get off work and bring his son over to my mom's house where my other brother is with his two daughters. They are going to spend the evening together. I've talked to each of them many times today via Facebook, text message and on the phone. Each of them inviting me and encouraging me to visit. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I was there too. But that's an hour away, and an hour back. And, because I wasn't told until too late, I've already got plans on the other side of the world. And when those plans are over, I have more going on in my own backyard.

If were in closer proximity to them, chances are that's where I'd be tonight.

But "move there" is not the answer. Because, there will be another night, even tonight for instance, where I am "there" with plans and I get invited to something out "here" that I really want to attend. And then it's the same situation in reverse.

So because of this, there's a certain "something" between my brother's and I that will go missing tonight. Something that, in a smaller, less connected world with either be fulfilled or would have never been known about in the first place.

If all of my family and friends lived within 5 miles of one another, my day to day life would be quite different indeed. This is one of the big appeals to country, small town living, and "big city" living and one of the major drawbacks to suburbia and sprawl.

But there's really nothing we can do. Our lives are enriched by these connections, virtual or otherwise. And even if we long for them to be more "real" more often, that doesn't discount their value in anyway.

They say that the human mind isn't really capable of considering or truly acknowledging or feeling a connection to more people than a small village's worth. And in our first days, that's all we had — small villages. And this is why now, even when we hear of starving children in Africa, for the most part, we remain unaffected and unmoved. But if those starving children were right next door, or, close friends of ours, the situation would be much different, and we'd be much more active.

Maybe I just need to be more local.

It's a constant state of confusion in here. In thought I go from one extreme to another and it's often hard to sort out what's left in the end. Sometimes, what I need is a final answer.

I'm making tea and I step on "The Foot Book" and think, I should clear this clutter. I'm checking the mail and I notice the grass growing from inside my cedar bushes and I think, I either need to pull that grass or pay someone else to do it. I sit down to enjoy my tea and write a few words and I think, I should be cleaning her playroom.

Having a high level of introspection doesn't do any good if I can't focus myself enough to actually draw a conclusion from it.

As soon as my little girl wakes up, though, then all that ends. I've learned how to give myself a task (sometimes randomly, if I'm unable to come up with a decision) and follow through with it. And I employ this as a rule whenever my daughter is awake and in my care. Otherwise, the confusion in my head only carries over to her.

Those that see me regularly and both with and without Celeste must see a strange duality in me. And now you can see it too. Fun huh?

Doing some research I found that even the lowest of the platform beds I can find hold the mattress at a height of 12″. My frame and box springs currently sit at about 14″. 2″ is not really going to make much of a difference. At least not enough to make it worth all of this trouble. So I'm either going to stick with what I have or build something of my own out of 6×6″ posts and a set of IKEA bed slats. I'm trying to find a way to mock up my plan so I can test it out before buying the material to see if it's too low.

Sometimes, having too many options is a bad thing.

Consider the husband and wife who have no options other than one another. Due to circumstances, whatever they may be, if they separate, their happiness, stability, finances, and social standing will all be worse off apart than they are together. That couple stays together. Period. That couple makes it work. That couple figures it out. Because there's no other place to go and all they have is each other. You throw in another option for either of those people, and the whole game changes.

All of this talk of projects reminds me of a few things. I still haven't painted the base boards for the living room. It's like a 30 minute job and I haven't done it yet. I've been putting off doing it with Celeste around: paint, heat, manual labor, and a toddler just won't mix well for me. I know myself well enough. And when I finally get time without her, I'm too busy with other things. Which is why the new "stay home more" plan is a really good lifestyle change. Important for sanity.

Thinking about the flooring reminds me that Costco is currently having their flooring sale again. $8 off each box, which is a really good deal. Before all of this talk of selling houses and renting houses my plan was to buy enough hard flooring to finish every surface in my house the next time it went on sale at Costco. Now I'm not sure if it'll just go to waste. I know I need to do at least two of the rooms. So that's a start, I guess.

Thinking of the house reminds me of the fact that I'm about a week a way from finalizing my refinance here, which might be a really bad idea. I save about $120 a month, which is awesome. And rates are going back up, so if I don't do it now, I miss a window. But, at the same time, due to loan costs, if I try to sell this place in less than 3-4 years after refinancing, I actually end up worse than I was before, cost wise. So deciding to refinance is really like deciding to stay her for at least five years, which is the same as deciding to put Celeste in school here.

I hate my head sometimes.

And maybe renting this place out was never an option to begin with. The guy that came to see it had said he'd call yesterday to let me know what his family thought about the place. I never got a call.

Like I said, sometimes having too many options is a bad thing. My life might be easier and I might be healthier if I simply forced myself to make a choice and then stuck with it. In certain cases, reevaluation is okay after some time to make sure nothing better is being missed. And, in most cases, these choices won't be able to walk away from me.

Late Saturday morning, Celeste and I are going to IKEA. Come with us! I'm getting a few things for Celeste, maybe a bed for me, and a few things for the house. IKEA is just fun. Especially when it's crowded on a weekend. Well do some shopping, have lunch, and come home in time for a late-ish nap.

Small Table and Chairs.

I think Celeste would really benefit from a table and chairs set. She's growing up so fast and having a place that she can sit and draw or play with blocks would be good for her. My mom has a set that she enjoys quite a bit even though she never actually sits in a chair and instead just uses the table. I tried to bring my parents to IKEA with me before to help me watch Celeste so I could pick out and buy a set but in the end my mom got bored of being there and walked out before I was finished looking. So, Celeste and I will just do it without them.

I looked around at a few resale shops and stuff and found very few sets, let alone one that I liked. IKEA has this stuff for a fairly inexpensive price, so I figure I'll just buy it there.

A Platform Bed.

Also, I'm in need of something to make my bed look nicer. Jess and I had always planned on building a headboard into the wall and so for over two years now there's just been a giant bed on a metal frame. I've also decided I want to lower the bed and/or get rid of the box springs. This will make it easier for Celeste to get in and out and will also keep the cats from hiding/living underneath it. Plus I think it looks nice.

Unfortunately, I'm having a real hard time finding a simple frame that will hold a mattress without box springs. I did manage to find one at WalMart of all places, but the height is the same as it would be with box springs. I also managed to find some low profile metal frames, but they don't have railing that reaches from head to foot on both sides and in the center. So supporting the mattress with wood slats doesn't work. I guess I could build something if it comes to that. But, given my current time constraints, I'd rather it didn't.

So, the best thing I can find right now is IKEA Malm. It's simple (which is good), seems to be made cheaply (which is bad), is inexpensive (which is good), isn't exactly what I want (which is bad), but will get the job done (which is ok). However, it's also one of most common low profile beds I've seen in the homes of other people (which is silly and kind of annoying).

Surely there's some other option?

The WalMart platform frame raises the bed 14″ off the ground. I'm looking for more like 4-6″. The low profile metal frames I've found raise the bed 6″ off the ground, but can't support slats all the way to the foot. If you can find me something that would work better before Saturday, I'll let you be the first to test drive it. If it's just a frame, ideally, it'd be less than $150. And if it's a full bed (like the Malm) ideally it'd be less than $400. At this point, I'll entertain either idea.

Home Decor? What?

Sadly, Jess and I never bothered to decorate much of anything. I'll save speculation for some other place and just say that I don't know why, but that it's about damn time that I started. I have ideas. Lots of ideas. But I need someone with a mind geared toward this sort of thing to help me keep them in check and then figure out how to make them happen for a decent price. I think I'll start in the bedroom, since it seems to be lacking the most, and work my way out from there. So, who wants to help?