shoeboxes
December 2nd, 2000Digging around in old shoeboxes this evening. Here are a few excerpts from my journey.
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 18:20:03 -0600 (CST)
the prickly pain of passion shows its head and my eyes glaze out of habit. i know you see through me. i am a golden-eyed call-girl with a smile that is far too thin and we both known fear is not sold by door-to-door salesmen.
with so many questions and answers too simple to understand, i ask you this: does my fear frighten you?
paranoia warms my neck with its breath. all i have learned is useless. i habitually turn heads in this sea of faded faces no longer looking, and your glowing eyes have caught me off guard. twice as fast and twice as long, each beat couples with breath. you are almost like kissing transparent lips.
i dream of walking in the rain. playing and splashing and not giving a fuck about ourselves or see-through clothing. and all of our worries drip from our faces with our tears.
hope has proven to be untrustworthy. i may as well dismiss it before it consumes me.
Date: Sun, 19 Mar 2000 23:33:49 -0600 (CST)
i visited with my brother and his girlfriend today for the first time in quite a while. they both mentioned that i look different than the last time they saw me. since that time, i've grown my hair out some… and i've met you. i am not sure which they noticed.
thoughts pound against the inside of my skull like hail stones against my kitchen window. as a pariah amongst society, my pen has been my only outlet. being near others is confining, and being away is being alone.
in a world bedizened with stoic souls, i can only dream of finding another insatiable mind. therefore, i cannot help but wonder if you are merely a personification of my dreams created by my mind, and find myself doubting you will bleed when cut.
if i allow myself to yaw from the safe, lonely path i have created, will i be able to find my way back when you turn out to be nothing more than a vision?
i have peeled back too much of the skin i have worked so hard to thicken. and now that most of my esculent heart is showing, i am afraid to say anymore.
