May 16th, 2001:

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger has advised Catholics not to masturbate, after performing a lengthy study of a pro-masturbation priest’s arguments, due to the immoral nature of such activities.

The Cardinal has also condemned homosexual relationships, saying only two kinds of sexuality are allowed by the church: heterosexuality and chastity.

The next time I beat my meat… I’ll stroke a few times for you.

A private email from my boss in response to another individual’s signature which reads “Senior Wholesale Services System Support Administrator”:

Daniel:

When you sign your emails back to Kevin, you should make your title
“Most Senior Wholesale Services System Support Expert Genious
Administrator”.

Heh. Sometimes he’s alright.