Going to a comedy show at the Improv with a ton of people. Here is a, probably very inaccurate, list of those LJ peeps that will be attending:
June 9th, 2001:
over a year ago…
It has been well over a year. Well over a year since we arranged to meet in that crowded bar. Over a year since Tom Waits and her teamed up and convinced me to stay the night. Over a year since I woke up with her by my side in that small Dallas apartment with the screen-less windows wide open and the sun shining in on her fair skin. Well over a year since I watched her wake up and then proceeded to have a conversation with her regarding the virtues of carpet.
And since that time she has held many titles: girlfriend, lover, friend, best friend, ex-girlfriend, counsellor, savior. Our wants and our needs from one another have grown together, and then apart, and then together and now apart again.
And in this tide of togetherness we are both left with choices to make… and whomever chooses first, chooses for both. I must choose between being completely with her, and being without her completely. And she must choose between being a friend, or not. And neither of the choices either of us have to make are what we would consider the way we want things to be. And yet, in most cases not choosing at all is worse than either of the two choices we could make.
If either of us makes the choice to be without the other person I lose that one person who constitutes half of the most incredible relationship I have ever had. Though I cannot be certain, I believe this applies to her as well.
Both of us wish for the other person to choose, and both of us wish the other person does not choose to be without. And so we both sit and wait and wonder and hope for the best.
Sure. I could give in. I could choose to be with her. I could convince myself that I am happy enough. That people are not meant to be truly happy and that the key to life is finding that person who makes you as close to perfectly happy as you can find within a certain, undetermined, amount of time. And maybe I would be right. Of course, if this is the case, I am left wondering if there might be another person somewhere, with whom I would be, even slightly, happier with. And this constant wondering brings additional unhappiness and discontent.
Sure. She could give in. She could choose to be my friend. She could convince herself that if I don’t want her as she wants me then it isn’t meant to be, and that when she finds the person she will be with he will want her as she wants him and there will be no question. And maybe she would be right. Of course, if she just holds on to what she wants a little bit longer, maybe I will see things her way and maybe I will be that person who wants her as she wants me.
And she could choose to be my friend, and yet secretly still want me and not mention it. I could choose to be with her, and secretly continue looking for someone else.
Of course.. if she could choose to be my friend and if we could live life like that for a while (which we have never really done) maybe things would just work out in the end. Maybe she would find that guy that loves her as she loves him, see what happiness really is, and find herself incredibly grateful that her and I did not get back together. Or perhaps I would realize that I am truly happy with her, and that nothing could ever make me happier than being with her again.
Then again, maybe I just see it this way because I am on this side of the rope, and being on the other side would be a whole new situation.
I do know that I have never had a friend as good as her and I probably never will again. All my life I have wanted and wished and hoped for a friend like her. A best friend. Someone who understands me, and accepts me, and knows just what to say to comfort me. Someone who I can trust. Someone who will laugh with me at things that most people wouldn’t even find funny. Someone who I can tell something to, and know that they will understand what I mean, and how I feel, without having to go into a forty hour lecture about me and my life. Someone who knows when I get grumpy, and knows when I get happy and knows how to deal with me in both situations. Someone who has different opinions than me, and yet is willing to listen to my side of things, simply because they know who I am, and therefore know that my opinion cannot be completely unfounded. Someone I can watch TV with, and not worry that I am not being entertaining enough. Someone that comes over just to hang out unannounced and it doesn’t bother me. Someone I can be myself around. She is all these things, and then some. And losing something as wonderful as her and this friendship will make me sadder, lonelier and more heart-broken than I have ever been before.
A friend was talking with me today about a piece of his past. He said, “and I’ll love her until the day I die but I just hope to never, ever see her again.” More than anything I am afraid that if things continue with her and I as they are now, or if I jump into a relationship simply to save this friendship, I, too, may be uttering those words someday.