August 9th, 2001:

You okay? I thought you were gonna die choking. I’m glad that kind soul brought you a glass of water.

I want to be a musician. I want to stand on a stage and hear the cheering and clapping of my fans. I want to pick up my guitar and hear the crowd silence, waiting to see what I am going to play, only to begin cheering a few seconds later when they figure it out. I want to know that people all over this planet are probably fucking, crying, fighting, laughing with my song as the score to the movie of their life. I want to stumble across an Internet message board devoted to me, post a message and watch as the regulars argue over whether it was really me or not. I want to play a small venue under a different name just to see who shows up. I want to pour my sad lyrics into a song so that those who care will know and understand, and those who don’t will love it anyway.

I want to be a musician: but for mostly the wrong reasons.

I always thought that having access to e-mail, LiveJournal and other Internet Resources at work is what caused my lack of motivation to complete projects on time. So far this week, our external network access has been down. Have I gotten any more work done than usual? Yes! Does this prove my initial assumption correct? No!

Instead of working on the projects that are very due real soon now, I worked on the projects that are the most fun. I worked on the projects that I enjoy working on, and the projects that I see the most potential in. I worked on the projects with the friendliest, most helpful, user bases.

I always thought I was a slacker. I still think I am, but I don’t think that is the reason for my lack of motivation at work. Instead, I believe it is the lack of an interesting project to work on that decreases my motivation to do that work.

This is helpful because, if I can come up with a way to motivate me to do work that I don’t like, I will get more things done and have more time to move on to things I like.

This comes into play in my personal life too. For instance, I don’t enjoy doing the dishes, cleaning my room or paying my bills. I always wait until the last minute to do these things, hoping that they will either go away, or that someone else will do them for me.