I try my best to keep people happy. In fact, people often say I try too hard. But sometimes, there is so much going on in my life that I cannot make other people happy. It seems that the more I try to be in two places at once, the harder it becomes.
I hate men. I hate the fact that he hurt her. I hate the fact that he just disappeared with no reason or explanation or even a goodbye. I hate the fact that men do this more often than not. I hate the fact that I, myself, have done this in the past.
I wish I could be there for her, to watch movies and joke around and make her feel better. But I can’t.
It is a catch 22. If I cancel my plans for the evening, not only will I be jeopardizing what could be a new and lasting friendship, but I upset her even more for cancelling. She told me this herself when I suggested it. However if I don’t cancel, she stays at home upset and alone. And somehow I feel responsible for that.
Either way I lose. There is no right answer. There is no way to correct the situation. And because of that, the situation gets even worse. If I go out this evening I will do so feeling bad and upset and will not have a good time. If I stay home, she will be upset and mad at me for staying, and at the same time I will be worried that I will have jeopardized this new friendship. So now, the situation is bad on all sides, and there is nothing I can do to make anything better.
And my tears fall, and I sit here worried and not knowing what to do. I think of another life and the way things could have been. I think about what I could have done differently to avoid this. I think about running away and getting out. I feel guilty and hated. And I know it isn’t my fault. And I know I cannot be expected to solve everyone’s problems or be there for everybody all the time. But I want to.
And I try to talk to her. I try to make her feel better. But I cannot get through to her, not while she is upset with me. And she wont stop being upset with me until the situation is resolved. And the situation cannot be resolved.
And I just want to run and hide. I want to put on a disguise and be someone else for a while. So I can start again. And yet I realize what a big mistake that would be.
And so I do nothing about any of this, which most likely will be the biggest mistake I can make right now, but I don’t know what else to do.