Yesterday and today I received two completely wonderful pieces of email from two different and wonderful people. Who decided not to tell me the world was ending?
In both cases, and as one of the two messages also mentioned, I am left thinking “what if”. “What if” is just about the worse question you can ask yourself, because you can NEVER know the answer. Thinking such things always leaves me in a dream like state, physically here, but living out each infinite possibility in my head, over and over again, and without conclusion.
All of these thoughts break my mind in two. I enjoy my life now. I bitch constantly about it, and I am forever trying to make a change, but I am at least reasonably satisfied. But, as I was telling Elizabeth Monday night, I am always left wondering if things couldn’t have been better had I made a different choice along the way. And though these thoughts are constantly occurring within me, they are mostly background noise that my mind, over the years, has learned to tune out. But when it becomes known that someone else shares some of the same thoughts that occur in my head, those very thoughts jump forward and scream, “Listen to me, damn it”. And when they do so, they come hand-in-hand with one hundred of their friends.
And I am dazed.
I love you both incredibly, and always will.