[Ben Folds Five/Army] As an experiment I loaded all 1927 of the mp3s that I have that are easily accessible into XMMS hit “Random” and then “Play”. (Yes this was instigated by farrisgoldstein‘s experience this morning.) Throughout [Radiohead/Nice Dream] this post you will see song titles in brackets to inform you of the song it is choosing for me.
All though I have known this for quite sometime, this morning it really hit me hard that I need to quit smoking. I woke up, [James Taylor - VH1 Story Tellers/Line 'Em Up] made my coffee, and started my morning like usual. However, when I got to the portion of my morning at which I smoke a cigarette (right after the coffee is finished as I am sitting down at the computer) I realized I was out of cigarettes.
Frantically I searched the apartment, knowing there had to be one forgotten cigarette left in a pack somewhere in this apartment. I find nothing. I put on some pants, throw on my shoes, grab my keys and run down to my truck to see if there are any in there. I search under the seats, in the glove box, in the back seat…. nothing. I go upstairs and search again, thinking maybe I missed a spot [Soul Coughing/Suzy Snowflake]. Still nothing.
I can feel a strong sense of worry and anxiety creeping up in me as I frantically pace about looking in the same places, now, over and over again. Eventually I realize that I am not going to find a cigarette. I take a deep breath and tell myself “It is no big deal. [Cake/Race Car Ya-Yas] I’ll just take my shower, and then grab a pack on the way to work.” I am okay with that.
I sit down at the computer and see my cup of coffee sitting there. Again I want a cigarette. [Ben Folds Five/Fair] I feel the anxiety rush through me again. I start looking again, clearly a sign of the insane.
As if that wasn’t low enough, I see a half-smoked cigarette in the ash tray. Was it from last night? The night before? Do I care? No. I smoke it. Then I feel better. Then I realize how disgusting this addiction is.
I really enjoy smoking. The social aspects; the psychological aspects of it. But not so much that I am willing to be like this. This is just pathetic. I don’t like knowing that something other than me has so much control over how I think and act. I need to quit.
The problem is, I know I need to quit, I know I should quit, and I hate being like this… but I don’t WANT to quit. Not down deep inside. And not REALLY wanting to quit, makes it incredibly hard to do so. [Weezer/Only In Dreams]
I don’t really know what to do, but I know I need to do something.