Now that it is over, and I have had some time to think about it, I am rather proud of myself.
Last night, I went to get a cup of coffee alone. I went to Starbucks first, but there were too many people there. Instead, I went to C.C.’s coffee house. I went inside, ordered my coffee, and then went outside to sit and smoke and write. Seconds later, the girl who worked the register came outside to smoke a cigarette. She started conversing with me almost immediately.
“Do you write poetry?” she asked.
“Sometimes. You?”
“Only when I’m angry.”
Conversation went on regarding Starbucks, “The Simpsons”, The Onion, and “Friends”. I didn’t initiate anything. When each mini-conversation appeared to come to conclusion, I returned to my writing book.
Her coworkers all came out and they all sat with her and smoked cigarettes. She talked with them, and occasionally said a few more things to me. One of the two other employees went inside and she continued to talk to me.
Eventually, she went in as well, and I continued writing. One of the employees came out, and told me he had to chain up the chairs as they were closing. I decided to leave. I got in my truck and called farrisgoldstein just to chit chat. The entire time I sat there in my truck, she kept peering out the window looking at me. Eventually, I left.
As I was driving home, it struck me that this girl might be interested in me. At first I denied it. Then, as I really started thinking about it, I realized how possible it was. Though I was not incredibly interested in her, she was cute, and very nice, and I thought to myself, “Why don’t you go back and give her your phone number.”
Then the fear set in. Just thinking about it destroyed me. I was literally shaking. Then I said to myself, “Fuck it… I’m going to do it.” I made a u-turn and headed back towards the coffee house. I almost ran three red lights on the way there. As I approached the building I saw the three employees sitting outside smoking cigarettes together, the shop completely closed. I drove past just watching, and shaking and missed my turn to get to the place. I made another u-turn, yet when I got to the place again, I couldn’t do it and just drove past.
I started thinking some more. Got even more nervous and then said, “I am going to do it.” I made another u-turn and then drove past the shop again. They were still sitting there. As I pulled into the parking lot I remember thinking, “you can’t turn back now, you’re here”.
I parked and got out of my truck. She leaned backwards so she could see me and said, “Did you forget something?”
“No,” I said as I continued to walk closer. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Alone?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
We walked about ten feet from the table and I started talking. “I don’t do this. In fact, I have never done this, but for some reason I decided to this time.”
There was a slight pause before I said, “Can I give you my phone number?”
As each second from this point on passed, I began to melt into the very sidewalk we stood on. Eventually I said, “Or, maybe you are unavailable, you have a boyfriend or something?”
“Yeah. Got a boyfriend,” she said, “and he’d be pissed.”
“Okay,” I said, as proudly as I could.
“Well, wait,” she returned. “What’s your name?”
“Daniel.”
“I’m Sara,” she said holding out her hand. “You can come up here anytime you’d like and chat.”
“Thanks,” I said, not knowing what else to say.
She nodded, we parted, and I drove off.
After it all happened last night, I felt I had made a big mistake. I called farrisgoldstein. He thought it was a good thing. I didn’t believe him then, but I am starting to now.
One good thing that has come of it is that I am no longer really concerned whether Shannon ever calls me. If she does, that’s great, but I am not putting much more thought into it than that.
I feel like such a teenager.