In response to Jaclyn’s Post (protected entry, available to those on her friends list only. sorry)
Summary of her post:
We have been fighting to much. It is not because we quit smoking. We broke up long ago because we fought too much. Some day our friendship will disolve because we fight too much. It is because we know eachother too well. Every thing that we do irks one another. We need a vacation from eachother.
Jaclyn and I have been fighting non-stop.
It has occurred for much more than just this past week.
We have been fighting non-stop since the day we met.
In fact, I was fighting with her, before I even knew she existed.
It has nothing to do with us knowing each other too well. It has everything to do with us not knowing each other well enough.
Jaclyn is stubborn. Very stubborn. This is not an insult. It is fact. She will admit it.
I am stubborn. It is a different kind of stubborn than Jaclyn’s stubborn, but I am stubborn none the less. This is a fact. I will admit it.
Jaclyn wants to be catered to. Always. This is not always possible. When things do not occur as she would like them to, with or without her actually stating what it is she would like, she gets upset and takes it out on those she feels are responsible.
There was a time when I would try to cater to every need she had. And when I failed, I would accept full responsibility for her needs not being met. She grew accustomed to my acting this way.
I am no longer willing to accept the responsibility for occurrences that are out of my control. I am no longer willing to offer apologies or to feel guilty for being unable to cater to her every need.
Our constant fighting has always been due to internal conflicts within me. I did not feel that I should accept the responsibility for things that I was not responsible for. This would cause me to pull up my walls… strengthen my shields… prepare for her attack. And attack she would.
But she knew my weaknesses. She would infiltrate my defences and knock them down. She would confuse my intelligence. She would cloud my vision. And in the end, I would apologize. I would own up. I would take the blame. I would feel the guilt.
I will not do this anymore.
I have always felt that those who makes claims without any examples to prove the claims they make are standing on questionable ground. Therefore I will provide a few examples as evidence.
(… Daniel gets home from work …)
(… Jaclyn changes channels on TV …)
Daniel: Thanks for taking out the trash.
Jaclyn: You’re welcome.
Daniel: What do you want for dinner?
Jaclyn: I don’t know.
(… some times passes …)
Daniel: I am going to make Broccoli and Rice.
[... it is important to note that Jaclyn does not like Broccoli ...]
Jaclyn: Okay. I’ll just make something for myself.
(… Daniel begins to cook dinner for himself …)
Jaclyn: You know, maybe we should just start having our own groceries, and do our own cooking and do our own dishes.
Daniel: What?
(… after some confusion, the truth comes out and it is realized that she is upset …)
Jaclyn: You could have cooked chicken and rice. I would have eaten that.
Daniel: Okay.
(… Daniel starts to defrost the chicken …)
At this point, Jaclyn is upset. A fight occurs. She wanted dinner. She did not want to cook. She wanted me to cook her dinner. I don’t mind cooking her dinner (in fact, I cook about 90% of the time). We had little to no food in the cupboards. I didn’t take any meat out that morning. I really dislike the taste of Microwave defrosted meat. I very rarely get to eat the things I like, because Jaclyn doesn’t like them, and I cook for both of us. I figured I would cook this for me, and she could make a plate of nachos or some hamburger helper or go get some fast food or something for herself. She storms into her room. She refuses to eat the chicken I am now cooking. Eventually, I go in to her room and explain to her that I wasn’t trying to piss her off.
After some talking, she decides to just forget about it. No apology. No nothing. The issue is just dropped and she eats dinner. Everything seems okay.
(… getting late at night …)
Jaclyn: Are you going to bed soon?
Daniel: Yeah.
Jaclyn: Can me and the puppy sleep with you tonight?
Daniel: Sure.
(… soon, we go to bed and are talking …)
Jaclyn: What I am going to do next Tuesday?
(… some friends of ours made plans for Tuesday. the plans are in two parts. she was invited to the second part, but not to the first. the participants of the first part (lasting only about 30 minutes) are limited in number due to the activity taking place. Jaclyn would not have enjoyed the activity. The only reason she wants to go is to keep her from having to drive to the second part of the activity alone and wait for us to show up …)
Daniel: I guess you’ll just meet us there.
Jaclyn: You should have asked him if I could be invited.
Daniel: It is not my thing to invite people to. And the number of people that can go are limited.
Jaclyn: You should have said, “What about Jaclyn?”
At this point. Jaclyn is upset again because she is not getting her way. I refuse to argue with her about it, and do my best to roll over and sleep. I also do my best to show her that I am not upset with her, or mad at her, and that I simply refuse to participate in her being mad at me for something that is outside of my control. Eventually, I fall asleep. I wake up about 30-40 minutes later to find that she and the dog have moved into her own bed.
I don’t dislike Jaclyn.
In fact, when her and I are not fighting, we get along very well.
I love her, more than I love anyone else and I try to make this very clear to her as often as I can. But I cannot accept blame for things that are not my fault, for things that are out of my control, or for things that are not related to me in any way. If she needs sympathy, I can be there for her. If she needs help, I can be there for her. If she needs someone to talk to, I can be there for her. If she needs someone to blame, she can find someone else.
