September, 2001:

You can cover a puppy in tear drops and he’ll never complain. He just keeps licking them away.

I have several emails to write. Then I have a few phone calls to make. Then a big LJ update.

But first, this puppy and I need a quick nap.

God it is early.

I’m up, showered, dressed, and am now walking out the door.

Great weekend. Ben was incredible. Austin was fun. The crew (rockbugg>, , and ) were a lot of fun, as usual.

My clothes are in the dryer.
In about 15 minutes they will be on me.
Five minutes after that, I will be packed.
20 minutes after that I will be at rockbugg‘s place.
Several hours after that I will be in Austin.
Several hours after that I will be seeing Ben Folds.

Fuck work. If I don’t have time to do it tonight, they can wait until tomorrow.

In response to Jaclyn’s Post (protected entry, available to those on her friends list only. sorry)

Summary of her post:
We have been fighting to much. It is not because we quit smoking. We broke up long ago because we fought too much. Some day our friendship will disolve because we fight too much. It is because we know eachother too well. Every thing that we do irks one another. We need a vacation from eachother.

Jaclyn and I have been fighting non-stop.

It has occurred for much more than just this past week.

We have been fighting non-stop since the day we met.

In fact, I was fighting with her, before I even knew she existed.

It has nothing to do with us knowing each other too well. It has everything to do with us not knowing each other well enough.

Jaclyn is stubborn. Very stubborn. This is not an insult. It is fact. She will admit it.

I am stubborn. It is a different kind of stubborn than Jaclyn’s stubborn, but I am stubborn none the less. This is a fact. I will admit it.

Jaclyn wants to be catered to. Always. This is not always possible. When things do not occur as she would like them to, with or without her actually stating what it is she would like, she gets upset and takes it out on those she feels are responsible.

There was a time when I would try to cater to every need she had. And when I failed, I would accept full responsibility for her needs not being met. She grew accustomed to my acting this way.

I am no longer willing to accept the responsibility for occurrences that are out of my control. I am no longer willing to offer apologies or to feel guilty for being unable to cater to her every need.

Our constant fighting has always been due to internal conflicts within me. I did not feel that I should accept the responsibility for things that I was not responsible for. This would cause me to pull up my walls… strengthen my shields… prepare for her attack. And attack she would.

But she knew my weaknesses. She would infiltrate my defences and knock them down. She would confuse my intelligence. She would cloud my vision. And in the end, I would apologize. I would own up. I would take the blame. I would feel the guilt.

I will not do this anymore.

I have always felt that those who makes claims without any examples to prove the claims they make are standing on questionable ground. Therefore I will provide a few examples as evidence.

(… Daniel gets home from work …)
(… Jaclyn changes channels on TV …)
Daniel: Thanks for taking out the trash.
Jaclyn: You’re welcome.
Daniel: What do you want for dinner?
Jaclyn: I don’t know.
(… some times passes …)
Daniel: I am going to make Broccoli and Rice.
[... it is important to note that Jaclyn does not like Broccoli ...]
Jaclyn: Okay. I’ll just make something for myself.
(… Daniel begins to cook dinner for himself …)
Jaclyn: You know, maybe we should just start having our own groceries, and do our own cooking and do our own dishes.
Daniel: What?
(… after some confusion, the truth comes out and it is realized that she is upset …)
Jaclyn: You could have cooked chicken and rice. I would have eaten that.
Daniel: Okay.
(… Daniel starts to defrost the chicken …)

At this point, Jaclyn is upset. A fight occurs. She wanted dinner. She did not want to cook. She wanted me to cook her dinner. I don’t mind cooking her dinner (in fact, I cook about 90% of the time). We had little to no food in the cupboards. I didn’t take any meat out that morning. I really dislike the taste of Microwave defrosted meat. I very rarely get to eat the things I like, because Jaclyn doesn’t like them, and I cook for both of us. I figured I would cook this for me, and she could make a plate of nachos or some hamburger helper or go get some fast food or something for herself. She storms into her room. She refuses to eat the chicken I am now cooking. Eventually, I go in to her room and explain to her that I wasn’t trying to piss her off.

After some talking, she decides to just forget about it. No apology. No nothing. The issue is just dropped and she eats dinner. Everything seems okay.

(… getting late at night …)
Jaclyn: Are you going to bed soon?
Daniel: Yeah.
Jaclyn: Can me and the puppy sleep with you tonight?
Daniel: Sure.
(… soon, we go to bed and are talking …)
Jaclyn: What I am going to do next Tuesday?
(… some friends of ours made plans for Tuesday. the plans are in two parts. she was invited to the second part, but not to the first. the participants of the first part (lasting only about 30 minutes) are limited in number due to the activity taking place. Jaclyn would not have enjoyed the activity. The only reason she wants to go is to keep her from having to drive to the second part of the activity alone and wait for us to show up …)
Daniel: I guess you’ll just meet us there.
Jaclyn: You should have asked him if I could be invited.
Daniel: It is not my thing to invite people to. And the number of people that can go are limited.
Jaclyn: You should have said, “What about Jaclyn?”

At this point. Jaclyn is upset again because she is not getting her way. I refuse to argue with her about it, and do my best to roll over and sleep. I also do my best to show her that I am not upset with her, or mad at her, and that I simply refuse to participate in her being mad at me for something that is outside of my control. Eventually, I fall asleep. I wake up about 30-40 minutes later to find that she and the dog have moved into her own bed.

I don’t dislike Jaclyn.

In fact, when her and I are not fighting, we get along very well.

I love her, more than I love anyone else and I try to make this very clear to her as often as I can. But I cannot accept blame for things that are not my fault, for things that are out of my control, or for things that are not related to me in any way. If she needs sympathy, I can be there for her. If she needs help, I can be there for her. If she needs someone to talk to, I can be there for her. If she needs someone to blame, she can find someone else.

I woke this morning, a few minutes before 5:00am, for no apparent reason. I turned off my alarm and got up.

One would think that, having gotten up so early, I might be inclined to get ready early, and therefore get to work early. I didn’t.

I spent the morning reading e-mail, cleaning out my ever cluttered home directory, and reading LiveJournal (one user in particular). I have decided that I need to make more use of the LJ memory feature.

I ended up leaving work yesterday at 2:00pm. I couldn’t stand up or walk in a straight line. I don’t know what was wrong with me. It felt VERY similar to the time I ate a baked potato and then got incredibly sick. At first, I didn’t know what could have caused it, until two days later I ate another baked potato and got sick all over again. The only thing I ate yesterday (prior to me getting sick) was a ziplock baggie full of Cheez-Its that came from a box I have been munching from for several days now with no ill effects. Other than that, I also had a cup of coffee from a gas station, because I was running late yesterday and didn’t have time to make any at home. But I always get coffee from that gas station and it has never made me sick before.

Driving home wasn’t easy. I was so dizzy, that I couldn’t see straight, and turning my head only made it worse. I just pushed my head against the back of my seat to hold it as still as possible, and kept focusing on the bumper of the car in front of me. When I got home I sat in the bathtub with the shower running on me until it ran out of hot water. Then I got in bed and slept on and off until jaclyn got home from work.

I had a couple really weird dreams in my very interrupted sleep, but I don’t recall even one of them.

At any rate, I feel 100% better now.

Tonight we are celebrating Have someshutterbugg>’s birthday with some bowling and laser-tagging fun. She said, “Have some” and for some reason that sounds dirty to me.

Since foxyred mentioned that I didn’t post any pictures of me from our evening at IHOP, I went through them all and picked out the best one for your viewing pleasure:

I miss you, Elizabeth.

Frankford and Marsh is the spot
to get your coffee, pipin’ hot.
so meet us there
don’t be square,
we’ll be in our underwear.

I am feeling sick.

I am dizzy. My head is spinning. I can’t walk straight. My throat feels like there is something stuck in it. My ears feel like they need to pop. I tried the plug-your-nose-and-blow thing… it didn’t help.

Either I am REALLY sick all of a sudden, or this is a reaction to me not smoking. Or… my mind is making my body think that it is sick because it knows that I will think that it might be due to meet not smoking and is attempting to use that as a reason to get me to smoke again.

Ugh. I am going to try to make it down stairs for a glass of water.

Happy Birthday to you, bizetsy.

May the light and love of those around you fill your heart with happiness and your mind with peace.

Though I don’t know you that well from personal interaction, you have been an incredible friend to jaclyn and for that, I owe you the world. I wish you the best on this Bizetsy Day.

PIZZA FOR EVERYONE!