November 7th, 2001:

RING

Me: Hello

Her: It’s too bad you don’t live in Euless any more.

Me: Why is that?

Her: Cause I need to get laid.

I’m running a little late, Justin, thanks to that. I’ll be there soon. Heh.

Several people have, in the past, told me that when they hurt, they wish to hurt more. If they were experiencing any kind of emotional pain, they would turn to a good friend to have physical pain inflicted on them. Others would cut themselves, inflicting the pain on themselves. I don’t claim to understand them yet, but I am a bit closer.

I want this hurt to go away. And something tells me that if I manage to bruise my hands this evening that would help a lot.

These are not healthy thoughts. I am trying to be as rational as I can about them.

It looks like I am making a darkroom tonight.

Somehow, the drivers for my printer at work got screwed up, so the only printing method I can get it to perform is dithered. Low contrast, black and white photographs look horrible when printed dithered. The magazine style “dotted” prints look much better. The dithered ones are unusable. Since I can’t figure out how to make my printer work I have to move to plan B: go home… convert my bathroom into a darkroom. Wait until it is LATE so there is no light to leak in… try to make about 25 8×10 prints in a couple hours after having not having printed ANYTHING for about 9 months.

Or I could just tell her to fuck off. I should just tell her to fuck off. But I am too nice of a guy. I should tell her, “here’s the negatives, do what you want” but I know she cannot afford the prints. I could tell her, “just bring the proofs in… it’ll be fine” but I would be flat out lying to her.

in the corner of my soul there is a little black box with a broken latch.
it is filled of the things that no one wants to see or hear about.
i’m not sure how the latch was broken.
on top of the box i have stacked hundreds of books.
every now and then i take each book off the stack slowly,
open the box quickly
and stuff something else inside.
then i quickly rebuild the stack that helps hold it shut.

today’s item is labelled:
“forbidden desire”

I am considering going to the Across the Street Bar for the Wednesday night Drum Circle. It lasts from 9:30pm to 1:30am. I wouldn’t have to stay for all of it… but I would rather be there for the latter part. Perhaps I can go home, take a nap, get coffee, and then go to the Drum Circle.

I need a new drumhead pretty bad. As best as I can tell, I can pick one up for $25. That isn’t bad at all. Maybe I should change my plans to be: go home, change clothes, go to guitar center to get a drum head, grab some fast food, go back home, take a nap, get coffee, and then go to the Drum Circle. That sounds good… but I’ll end up skipping the nap.. and that will lead me to skipping the Drum Circle. We’ll see.

I’ve been feeling rather ambitious lately. This is good because, ambition makes life more exciting and much more fruitful. This is bad because all of my thoughts involve me quitting my job.