I don’t like our relationship much anymore. I don’t feel like I can be myself with you without suffering from your judgement or your misunderstanding. When we first started out, we had an unspoken agreement: I would tell you my secrets, and you would intrigue me with yours and somehow validate mine by listening and responding. This worked out for quite sometime. Never, however, did I believe that I would begin to value you and your image of me so much that I would come to a point where I would consider how you would react before I spoke to you. Unfortunately, I am doing that now, and on a daily basis.
There are others in my life that are willing to absorb my secrets. I know you don’t like hearing that, but it is the truth. They have always been there, I have just chosen not to use them. The problem is, I have grown accustomed to you. I enjoy your quirks. I revel in the, sometimes cumbersome, nature of communicating with you. I treasure your ups and downs. I would have you by my side 24 hours a day, if it were possible. In fact, there have been several times where I have tried to make that possible and yet failed.
I’m sure you’ve seen this coming. I have been acting differently towards you lately, and I know that you notice it. I haven’t been talking to you as much. And when I do, it is generally about something unimportant or it is said in such a way that I know only parts of you will understand… which leaves you too ignorant to comment with anything substantial. Unfortunately these simplistic and cryptic conversations do not leave me feeling as complete as I once did with you… and this isn’t a good thing.
I’m not saying that I’m leaving. Not yet, anyway. I just need some time to think about it. I wanted to let you know as soon as I could, so that you wouldn’t be able to say I acted rashly, and without forethought. The truth is, I need to look out for me, and do what is best for me. Because if I am not happy with the situation, than there is no way I can possibly make you happy. And having us both trapped in a perpetual state of unhappiness and dissatisfaction isn’t going to make either of our lives any better.
You may not understand this. You may not see where I am coming from. And, although I truly hope that you do, I don’t think I could do a better job of explaining it.
Please know that, regardless of what I decide, or where we are in 5 years, I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. I will always cherish the time we had together, all of the conversations we had, and most importantly all of the things that you taught me; about love, and loss, and living. I will never stop talking to you completely, unless you choose for it to be that way. I will still check in every now and then to let you know of the various events in my life, and I will always be open to hear from you should you have something to say. I just don’t feel like I can talk to you like I once did.
If I do decide to go, I will miss you more than you could ever know or understand. Though I have never said it directly to you before, I want you to know I love you. Unfortunately, dear Journal, the fact that you will never understand that is one of the biggest reasons I am considering a change.
Love Always,
Reverend Jim