revjim.net

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
–the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

–ee cummings

I am a logical person. Just about everything I do is premeditated, over-analyzed, and laid out before I even begin. I don't really know why I do this, but I do. Logic and order (of some sort) seems to take precedence over everything.

Additionally, I am logically obsessive. When I begin to think about something, I can't think about anything else. It is all encompassing. I have always felt this was a strength of mine because I was able to see an idea or concept through from end to end in a very short period of time. Before now, the only problem I have had with my way of thinking is that once I have planned something out in my head, I want to see it that way in real life. I don't want to exert tedious amounts of energy into making that thought in my head tangible. I learned to deal with that though, and, as long as I can get started and not have any major interruptions, I have trained myself to be able to complete most things.

I am not quite sure why but, with Sarah, that logical line of thought doesn't work. Regardless of the amount of thought I have put into something, or the amount of time I spend trying to explain it to her, she doesn't accept it. I am open to alternate suggestions, different ways of thinking about it, that I perhaps overlooked… but, on the occasion that she does have something, she cannot explain in a way that I will accept as logical.

This isn't very easy for me to swallow because I don't work that way. I am not used to needing anything more than a logical explanation for something. And, regardless of how the minds of the other people in my life work, for the most part, when I explain something to them logically, and in a way they can understand, they are capable of either accepting that, or logically offering an equal or better alternative.

So, last night, I was talking to Sarah about seeing one another Friday night. I had already thought it all out and decided what I wanted, what was the most logical, and what was the best way to marry the two. The only thing that I needed, was to know her opinion on the matter, so that I could adjust the final outcome in a logical fashion to accommodate her needs and wants as well. I started out by giving her the summary of my thoughts, assuming she would contest it… which she did.

Then, instead of pouring hours of time into explaining how I came up with what I got… I decided to try something different. I listed out what I thought our options were, and listed what I felt the pros and cons were of each option. Regardless of how hard she stuck to any one option (either in agreement with what I said, or directly opposed to it), I continued to remind her of the opposite option. I tried to leave my personal wants and needs out of it, unless asked directly. In the end, somehow, we ended up with a more detailed version of what I suggested in the first place, altered slightly to accommodate her, which, not knowing her wants and needs before hand, I couldn't account for in my planning.

I'm not quite sure WHY we had to take that route. I'm not quite sure why the logical and most accommodating option couldn't have been accepted upon first glance. But I don't really care. I'd gladly throw out all the logic and wisdom and experience in my head for a chance to see her, regardless of the terms of that visitation. Wisdom isn't everything, and it certainly pales in comparison to even one kiss from her.

I've just got to learn to let it go right up front, or better yet, to not even bother thinking about it until she is there to participate. It's just VERY hard for me to do that.