February, 2002:

Sarah responded to my email (subject: a reply to your post), and also posted it as a protected entry in her own journal.

---

From: Sarah Pryce
To: daniel
Subject: Re: a reply to your post
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 09:42:25 -0800 (PST)

There's a reason there was no comment ooption on that
post.

I'm not doing it anymore.

No more explaining.

No more defending myself.

No more no more no more no more.

I'm going to crawl under my sheets and cry for the
rest of the week.·
Then I'm going to crawl out from under my sheets and
I'll be alive again.··
Then I'll throw myself into my school work and finish
this fucking god damned semester if it kills me.
Because that's all I need in my life right now.

no more of this. no more. no more. no more.

but despite all the insanity and despite how you may
laugh and make me feel,·
deep down somewhere, i still love you.
what kind of love, who knows.
no more explaining. no more defending.
no more god damn fucking questions.
just my words. alone. standing as they mean.
mean what?·
NO. no more. no more. just listen.
maybe you'll learn something from me.

only cries. then normal. then back to respect.
then back to "huh.. that guy is pretty cool. I'd like
to get to know him better."
maybe sometime when I have time and energy. and a few
more experiences and have learned something. when I
don't feel like a social retard. when I learn how to
translate sarah language.

until then, no.

no more explanations, no more arguments, no more god
damn fucking questions.

done. but not gone.
just done. just distanced.·
still enamored. but no more god damn fucking
explanations.

---

This makes me feel a little better. Not because she is angry, or because she is upset, but because it validates some of the things I thought I had learned.

Her first response was so calm, and so cool, and so understandable, that it made me feel like the Sarah I had grown so upset with and so frustrated with didn’t actually exist. As though she were merely a creation of her own in an attempt to piss me off and get me to leave her.

However, this response leads me to believe that it was her first response that was fake, and that I was experiencing the real Sarah all this time. The Sarah that doesn’t ever know how to describe her own feelings. The Sarah that constantly contradicts herself. The Sarah that assumes more than she should and eventually blows something very simple and easy into something very complicated and difficult. The Sarah that doesn’t like to talk about herself, either because she doesn’t know how she feels or she just doesn’t know how to say it. The Sarah who scowled at me every time I asked “How” or “Why”. The Sarah who would try to talk to me about things she knew nothing about, and then stand by her opinion regardless of how uneducated it was, and then get angry– VERY angry– at me when I showed her that she was incorrect or mistaken. The Sarah that would say and do odd things, just to be odd. The Sarah that would rattle on for hours and hours in a barely connected line of thought regarding meaningless and trivial aspects of her life and, worse yet, the lives of people she USED to know in an attempt to prove to me that she was capable of intelligent conversation (at least I think that is what she was doing, though I can’t be sure. I’d never heard ANYONE talk like that before. Perhaps that is the way she always speaks).

I am still hurt and upset and frustrated. But at least now I have back that clear vision and those fiery red coals.

I think Jaclyn (jaclyn) spoke to Sarah perfectly. She said things that I have said to Sarah many times. She said things I had always wanted to say to her, but was afraid of the fight that would ensue. She said things that I didn’t even think of saying to her:

you are too hard on yourself. you were too hard on yourself before daniel, and you are too hard on yourself after him.

you feel as though you lack something, which in turns hinders your ability to do things in the world, such as gather in social groups, stand out in crowds, make an impression on someone….

this is because you have chosen it to be.

it doesn’t have to be like this. you don’t have to be quiet anymore. you don’t have to sit back and wait for things to happen to you.

you are a twenty three year old woman and you have so much to look forward to in your life. these little issues can be traded in for so many things.

next time you feel like shouting, shout. next time you feel like crying, cry. don’t hold back.

there is so much inside you that wants to get out, and you hinder it by using the statement “this is the way I am.”

you are beautiful, and can be an excellent friend/anything else if you first concentrate on what it is that YOU want, that YOU love, and that makes YOU happy.

see this as an opportunity to focus on you, and what makes you happy. nascar, whatever. indulge in yourself.

pamper yourself.

you’re never too old to learn these things.

It’s all about healing, and learning, and growing, and strengthening and moving on.

From: Sarah Pryce
To: daniel
Subject: Re: a revelation
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 09:33:47 -0800 (PST)

It makes me sad, too. And the only thing I have to
say to any of it is that we're just not compatible.··

I think a lot of what has happened over the last few
weeks is just in my head. But regardless of that, it
wouldn't be in my head if it weren't for us.·

So no more us.

sarah

---

Somehow, I had hoped I would either not get a response from her at all, or that she would at least attempt to describe to me how she feels, and what this means to her. I was prepared to live with either of those situations.

But, this response is something completely different and unexpected. It makes me feel as though she wanted it to happen, that she wanted us to be over with. And what makes me angry about that is the fact that I have spent a good chunk of time wanting to leave, and telling myself that I shouldn’t– partially for her sake, partially for mine, and partially for “us”.

This makes me feel like the good things that I thought I was walking away from this with are somehow now rendered invalid. Knowing that the things I have learned from this are based on actions that may have been generated in a false sense simply because she wanted out makes them somehow useless. And if I walk away from this with nothing, then I feel a great loss. For that means that my time, effort, tears, thoughts, heart-ache, worry, doubt, and compromise were all spent for nothing.

A REAL crackmonkey.

I sent these emails to Sarah a few moments ago. While I am generally adverse to saying such things via email, Sarah has made it a habit of doing so throughout the course of our relationship. I think she prefers it this way.

---

From: daniel
To: Sarah
Subject: a reply to your post
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 08:40:27 -0600

> I have never had this much trouble being understood.
> Nor have I in a long time felt so bad.

Nor have I had this much trouble trying to understand someone. I’m
not saying it’s your fault, but it do find it an interesting
coincidence that you constantly complain about being misunderstood
by people in general. I could just pretend that I understand and
move on, as I am sure many people in your past have done, but I am
not that kind of person.

> But apparently, since it’s my fault…

Apparently you have a listening problem, as I have stated, more
times than not, that I am not placing blame on you. In fact, here is
a quotation from my most recent email to you:

“I am not in anyway attempting to put all of our misunderstandings
and problems on you. In fact, I am asking you to point out instances
where you believe I have failed you and have no acceptable reason
for doing so, so that I will be able to see where I went wrong.”

> Since that’s what we do to ourselves
> Here on Planet Absurd ..

Again, I never said your PLANET was absurd. I merely said that one
argument you were trying to make was absurd. Allow me to quote
myself again:

“To be perfectly honest with you, I am a sucker for tears. Just
about anyone (even people I barely know) can cry and get just about
anything they want from me, including a hug and a, hopefully,
helpful ear. So your argument that “proves” that we don’t have the
type of relationship that would cause me to feel compelled to hug
you when you cry is absurd.”

> There’s nothing someone can, should, or will do
> about it.

Well, that leaves our options pretty clear then, doesn’t it?

> Guilt. It’s useless to get attention.

With me, yes. It is.

> Sympathy. Nope, that doesn’t work either.

With me, yes. It is.

> Not that I’m making anything up. Or
> Sythesizing those feelings. Or trying
> Anything deceiving.

If you are consciously aware of the fact that you believe I SHOULD
feel guilty for something, and yet at the same time you are telling
me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, then that is an act of deception.

> I’m just not worthy of those things…

You can only mean two things by this.

1. You are trying to make me feel guilty (immediately following the
sentence saying that you aren’t) for not falling victim for your
guilt-trip or not offering you sympathy when you felt it was
required, which will never work on me.

2. You truly believe that you are not worthy of sympathy, in which I
ask you this: How can you possibly expect someone else to offer you
sympathy when you yourself believe that you do not deserve it?

> attention. sympathy. probably overrated
> anyway.

Attention is something that is earned. I like attention. Many people
do. But I very rarely feel that I *NEED* the attention of others.
And on the rare occasion that I do, I *DO* something worthy of
affording me that attention as opposed to just expecting that it
should be there, or throwing guilt-trips around until I get it.

Daniel

---

From: Daniel
To: Sarah
Subject: a revelation
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 08:38:25 -0600

Sarah,

This is ridiculous (again, I am not saying YOU are ridiculous, nor
am I placing BLAME on you… I am merely saying the situation we are
in is ridiculous). Obviously I am defective. I am unable to offer
you those things that you require from a relationship. On the same
token, you are unable to offer me the things I require. I was
willing to let the things that I need go, for now, continue to enjoy
being with you as we are, and wait for a time to come when either I
was certain you would never be able to offer me those things, you
began to offer them, or I decided I didn’t really need them to be
happy. Apparently, you are not willing to afford me that same
latitude.

While I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t want to offer me
that latitude (as I have great respect for someone who knows exactly
what they want, and wont settle for anything less) there is no point
in pretending that I can be the person you want, and there is no
point in pretending that you don’t want those things.

This saddens me greatly. You and I had VERY good times together when
we weren’t fighting. Our relationship showed so much promise in the
beginning. I was so excited about the prospect of what you might
become to me that, within only a few weeks, I wanted to show you off
to my parents, and was telling every friend I had about how
wonderful you were.

Perhaps I am guilty of painting a face on you. Perhaps I saw more in
you than I should have. Perhaps I led both myself and you to believe
that you offered, or someday might offer, me those things that I
have been looking for. Although I haven’t had enough time to sit in
retrospect to determine if this is what happened, if it is, I offer
you my most sincere apologies.

It was never my intention to hurt you. I never meant to confuse you,
or frustrate you, or make you feel like less of a person. I
apologize from the depths of my being if I did any of those things.
I merely meant to learn from you, and to teach you, and in those
things, find the true happiness that crosses our paths once in a
lifetime, if we are lucky.

Continuing on, round after round, with this boxing match is doing
neither of us any good.

I want you to know that, as I have stated before, I don’t think
there is anything wrong with you. On the contrary, I think you are a
wonderful person with very good qualities. You are loyal,
compassionate, supportive, and forgiving, to name a few.
Unfortunately, people are very different in what they want, and what
they are willing to offer. In our case, it is obvious that we are
mismatched. The things that you are looking for are the things that
I refuse to participate in. And the things that I am looking for are
the things that you strongly try to avoid. This doesn’t mean that
either of us are bad people. And it doesn’t mean that either of us
should change ourselves, or what we are looking for. It just means
that we should recognize our differences and realize that we aren’t
going to find what we are looking for in one another.

I apologize for dragging this on as long as I did. After sometime,
my instincts began to tell me that we weren’t well matched. I began
to realize that you weren’t willing to offer me what I wanted, and
that I wasn’t willing to offer you what you wanted. But I saw so
many wonderful things in you, that I pushed my instincts deep down
inside me in the hopes that, someday, we might be willing to offer
one another those things. I was wrong to do so, I accept full
responsibility, and I offer you a most sincere apology.

Again, I don’t blame you. Neither one of us are to blame. It is
merely a matter of circumstance. The important thing is that we
realize our mistake, learn something about ourselves and people in
general, and begin looking somewhere else, with a little more
experience and a little more knowledge behind our eyes.

As I have said before, I think you are a wonderful person. Despite
the fact that we require different things from our partners, you
have many great and true qualities that are seldom found in the
people of this world. It is my hope that, once we have absorbed the
sorrow and hurt that comes with so great a disappointment, we will
remain friends, as I find it truly refreshing to know that people
with your qualities exist in this world, and I consider myself a
better person with you in my life.

With the Utmost Sincerity,
Daniel

Heather of dooce.com got fired yesterday. “So what, Reverend? Who the fuck is Heather and why do I care?”. Shut the hell up for about 20 seconds and I’ll tell you. Don’t you know you can go to hell for interrupting a Reverend? Listen my children.

Heather was not fired because she was a poor performer. She was not fired because she was racially discriminate at the work place. She was not fired because she was caught using drugs. She was not fired for having an image converse of that of her company. She was not fired for sexual harassment. “Why was she fired, Reverend?”. I said shut up. Don’t make me damn you to hell. *clears throat* She was not fired because she was trying to scan her ass with the company scanner. No!

Heather keeps a personal website, as many of us do. On Heather’s website, she would often talk about co-workers and her company in a negative light. Did Heather ever use the name of her company? No. Did Heather leak company secrets? No. Did Heather ever use the names of the persons she spoke of? No. However, two weeks ago an anonymous person sent an email to the Vice-President of her company referencing this negative material which is, according to her superiors, grounds for dismissal.

The purpose of today’s sermon is two-fold. First, the church wishes to seek council from its members that are fortunate enough to have more knowledge in this area than most folk. Do any of you know anything about laws that would support or speak against her employer’s decision? Secondly, it serves as a warning to each of you that have conducted this type of behavior in the past. If it wasn’t obvious to you before, it should be now: Satan draws near and we must be prepared.

This generous church has decided that today’s collection plate will go to Heather, so be sure to tithe the 47% that God demands of you. I guess I can wait a few more days for my sex change operation, though, as I told you before, God will hold you all personally accountable if I don’t get it.

And now, for a few announcements. The allegations that I had sexual relations with little Timothy Sanchez are entirely false and have been proven so by an external organization. In unrelated news, little Timothy Sanchez is missing. May your prayers be with him and his family.

Happy Birthday to monica> and .

I am grateful to know you as I do, and am looking forward to wherever our friendships might lead us over the next year. Best wishes to both of you.

Being so caring of so many people is not as good a thing as it might appear on the surface. In doing so, I sometimes end up giving more of myself than I desire to. I hold on to friendships and relationships longer than I should. I continue to take abuse from people I love, because I care enough to believe that they might change. I take the judgment that those I care about might pass on me very close to my heart, and very rarely offer such judgements myself, and certainly not in as harsh a tone. I often sacrifice my wants, needs, and desires in order to assure that those I care about are not hurt, or that they do not go without.

I’m sure there is a happy medium between caring about others, and caring about yourself. I just haven’t found it.

Many men are horrible people. Many women are horrible people. The truth is, this world– at least the portions of it I have experienced– is filled with mostly selfish people. People who, like me, have not found the happy medium between caring for themselves, and caring for others. The only difference between me and what makes them appear so horrible is where the weight sits on that scale. While they appear to be self-centered and uncaring, for the most part, they don’t spend each day wanting one thing, and yet doing something completely different.

The people at Tootsie Roll said it best: “Whatever it is I think I see, becomes a Tootsie Roll to me.”

I have a friend who is going though some hard times. She is guilty, as I have been MANY times in life, of something so simple it is often obscured: looking for love. She wants so badly to find “the one” that when someone presents the possibility of being that person, she makes him out to be more than he is. She paints the face of the person she wants him to be over the top of his own. This works well for a while. However, after some time, the paint wears thin, and she is left starring at the face of a man she doesn’t know and doesn’t love. She feels betrayed because he is no longer the man he was and she feels great loss because the hopes and dreams she had with him are being wiped away with the paint on his face.

It is a sad situation. Unfortunately, it cannot be remedied with anything other than time, and cannot be prevented with anything other than retrospect. She’ll get through this. I’ll see to it.

I have two mantras in life. One of them is “Challenge Me”. Believe it or not, my screen saver at work consists of nothing more than those two words. Twisting and gyrating about my screen in a psychedelic range of colors and in more positions than one could find in a book on Kama Sutra, those words serve as a subtle request to the world. The second is “Learn Something”. I constantly repeat it in my head like a physics student attempting to commit a formula to memory before a test.

Learning is good. Challenge is good. Life isn’t really worth living without either of them.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 353 days since my last confession.

I live in the past. I try to hold every memory from every friendship and lover, regardless of how mangled it is.

I very rarely have the desire to see things through, though I love to plan them.

I like it when a fountain pen leaks on my fingers.

I am easily bored and emit nothing but an annoying “uh-huh… uh-huh” when I am.

I am easily amused and get very excited and loud when I am.

“Fire in Cairo” by The Cure is still one of my favorite songs.

I get very upset when my train of thought is interrupted.

Somehow, in the back of my head, I still believe if she would give me a chance, we would work out.

I have a tendency to become infatuated with under-aged girls before I know how old they are.

I have no tolerance or respect for people who are incapable of thinking things through.

I am lazy.

I don’t get enough exercise.

I don’t follow my own advice.

I masturbate almost daily, regardless of sexual content or activity being present in my life.

Often I am regarded as a man who has thought things through when, many times, I make it up as I go along.

I have slept with someone out of sympathy. It was horrible.

I am assertive when I know I have more experience in a given subject, yet am very shy when it is possible that I don’t.

The last time I passed by that hill in Denton I thought of you and the afternoon we spent on that hill smoking cigarettes in the sun. And I still have the poem you wrote me, coffee stains and all.

Oftentimes I dream of a life very unlike the one I am living.

I still remember every detail about the best sex I have ever had.

I still remember my first kiss.

I spend money with reckless abandon.

I never lie, but sometimes I don’t tell the whole truth.

I have a short temper, though I hide it well.

I get very annoyed at people who insist on subtly showing off at every chance they get.

I have a hard time staying on track.

When I am interested in something, it is very difficult to distract me.

I have never had a wet dream.

Without external motivation, I have a hard time completing menial tasks.

I have a tendency to see the good in people that don’t deserve it.

I don’t see my friends often enough.

People have a hard time making me happy, because I don’t know how to make myself happy.

I would be more content with my job if I enjoyed the company there.

I am always late for work.

I try to present more of every trait than I actually posses, be it intelligence, creativity, sympathy, concern, or understanding.

I don’t care about the fact that Korean’s eat dog.

I believe in a woman’s right to choose.

I hate abusive men and, even more so, abusive women.

In all regards of my life, I only clean up those things that people can see when they aren’t looking too hard.