February 5th, 2002:

I have Internet access!

I am a corporate droid.

I do not question the authority or intelligence of my superiors. I do not question the value or usefulness of my companies products and services. I show up at work every day at 8am and leave at exactly 5pm, because that is EXACTLY when my company needs me.

I work out during my lunch break. I stick my nose in the asses of my superiors on weekends, by losing golf games, running errands for them, and mowing their lawns.

I spend my time at work answering email and sitting in meetings. My meetings always last at least two hours, and they NEVER run through lunch. I know exactly who should be doing which jobs at which times, and none of those jobs are mine. My desk is always clean. I am a member of the coffee club.

My clothes can be separated into two piles: work clothes, and old clothes. All of my friends work with me. I see them at work and at golf games. I get drunk at company parties. I buy my boss a Christmas gift every year.

My life long dream is to move up within my company, therefore getting paid more for doing less. Seniority is the ultimate measure of intelligence and worth. I sometimes forward pornography and lewd jokes through our corporate email system. I have a fax machine, and prefer that you send large amounts of data to me though it.

I once got a blow job from a coworker in the back seat of my car. We waited for our lunch breaks so as not to interrupt our productivity. My wife talks to her sometimes at company parties and it makes me nervous. I would do it again, as long as it didn’t interfere with work.

I don’t really know much, but I pretend that I do. Since none of my coworkers know much either, I rarely get caught. I use phrases like “I’m going to spearhead this issue”, “I’d like to echo what Joe said”, “This is a non-issue“, and “I think we should mechanize this process” because they show my coworkers and superiors that I am dedicated to my job, and that I know what I am doing.

I hold meetings to discuss when we should hold meetings. I constantly complain about the number of meetings I have to attend, because it interferes with my ability to check my email, and do my job of passing work on to other people.

When I take a vacation, I assign someone to handle my tasks while I am away. The person I assign them to will not actually have any additional work to do, though he’ll complain about it just the same.

Someday, I’ll retire, and then come back to work here as a contractor. I get a 4% raise every year.

I am a corporate droid.