revjim.net

Heather of dooce.com got fired yesterday. "So what, Reverend? Who the fuck is Heather and why do I care?". Shut the hell up for about 20 seconds and I'll tell you. Don't you know you can go to hell for interrupting a Reverend? Listen my children.

Heather was not fired because she was a poor performer. She was not fired because she was racially discriminate at the work place. She was not fired because she was caught using drugs. She was not fired for having an image converse of that of her company. She was not fired for sexual harassment. "Why was she fired, Reverend?". I said shut up. Don't make me damn you to hell. *clears throat* She was not fired because she was trying to scan her ass with the company scanner. No!

Heather keeps a personal website, as many of us do. On Heather's website, she would often talk about co-workers and her company in a negative light. Did Heather ever use the name of her company? No. Did Heather leak company secrets? No. Did Heather ever use the names of the persons she spoke of? No. However, two weeks ago an anonymous person sent an email to the Vice-President of her company referencing this negative material which is, according to her superiors, grounds for dismissal.

The purpose of today's sermon is two-fold. First, the church wishes to seek council from its members that are fortunate enough to have more knowledge in this area than most folk. Do any of you know anything about laws that would support or speak against her employer's decision? Secondly, it serves as a warning to each of you that have conducted this type of behavior in the past. If it wasn't obvious to you before, it should be now: Satan draws near and we must be prepared.

This generous church has decided that today's collection plate will go to Heather, so be sure to tithe the 47% that God demands of you. I guess I can wait a few more days for my sex change operation, though, as I told you before, God will hold you all personally accountable if I don't get it.

And now, for a few announcements. The allegations that I had sexual relations with little Timothy Sanchez are entirely false and have been proven so by an external organization. In unrelated news, little Timothy Sanchez is missing. May your prayers be with him and his family.