revjim.net

> I have never had this much trouble being understood.
> Nor have I in a long time felt so bad.

Nor have I had this much trouble trying to understand someone. I'm
not saying it's your fault, but it do find it an interesting
coincidence that you constantly complain about being misunderstood
by people in general. I could just pretend that I understand and
move on, as I am sure many people in your past have done, but I am
not that kind of person.

> But apparently, since it's my fault…

Apparently you have a listening problem, as I have stated, more
times than not, that I am not placing blame on you. In fact, here is
a quotation from my most recent email to you:

"I am not in anyway attempting to put all of our misunderstandings
and problems on you. In fact, I am asking you to point out instances
where you believe I have failed you and have no acceptable reason
for doing so, so that I will be able to see where I went wrong."

> Since that's what we do to ourselves
> Here on Planet Absurd ..

Again, I never said your PLANET was absurd. I merely said that one
argument you were trying to make was absurd. Allow me to quote
myself again:

"To be perfectly honest with you, I am a sucker for tears. Just
about anyone (even people I barely know) can cry and get just about
anything they want from me, including a hug and a, hopefully,
helpful ear. So your argument that "proves" that we don't have the
type of relationship that would cause me to feel compelled to hug
you when you cry is absurd."

> There's nothing someone can, should, or will do
> about it.

Well, that leaves our options pretty clear then, doesn't it?

> Guilt. It's useless to get attention.

With me, yes. It is.

> Sympathy. Nope, that doesn't work either.

With me, yes. It is.

> Not that I'm making anything up. Or
> Sythesizing those feelings. Or trying
> Anything deceiving.

If you are consciously aware of the fact that you believe I SHOULD
feel guilty for something, and yet at the same time you are telling
me that I shouldn't feel guilty, then that is an act of deception.

> I'm just not worthy of those things…

You can only mean two things by this.

1. You are trying to make me feel guilty (immediately following the
sentence saying that you aren't) for not falling victim for your
guilt-trip or not offering you sympathy when you felt it was
required, which will never work on me.

2. You truly believe that you are not worthy of sympathy, in which I
ask you this: How can you possibly expect someone else to offer you
sympathy when you yourself believe that you do not deserve it?

> attention. sympathy. probably overrated
> anyway.

Attention is something that is earned. I like attention. Many people
do. But I very rarely feel that I *NEED* the attention of others.
And on the rare occasion that I do, I *DO* something worthy of
affording me that attention as opposed to just expecting that it
should be there, or throwing guilt-trips around until I get it.

Sarah,

This is ridiculous (again, I am not saying YOU are ridiculous, nor
am I placing BLAME on you… I am merely saying the situation we are
in is ridiculous). Obviously I am defective. I am unable to offer
you those things that you require from a relationship. On the same
token, you are unable to offer me the things I require. I was
willing to let the things that I need go, for now, continue to enjoy
being with you as we are, and wait for a time to come when either I
was certain you would never be able to offer me those things, you
began to offer them, or I decided I didn't really need them to be
happy. Apparently, you are not willing to afford me that same
latitude.

While I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to offer me
that latitude (as I have great respect for someone who knows exactly
what they want, and wont settle for anything less) there is no point
in pretending that I can be the person you want, and there is no
point in pretending that you don't want those things.

This saddens me greatly. You and I had VERY good times together when
we weren't fighting. Our relationship showed so much promise in the
beginning. I was so excited about the prospect of what you might
become to me that, within only a few weeks, I wanted to show you off
to my parents, and was telling every friend I had about how
wonderful you were.

Perhaps I am guilty of painting a face on you. Perhaps I saw more in
you than I should have. Perhaps I led both myself and you to believe
that you offered, or someday might offer, me those things that I
have been looking for. Although I haven't had enough time to sit in
retrospect to determine if this is what happened, if it is, I offer
you my most sincere apologies.

It was never my intention to hurt you. I never meant to confuse you,
or frustrate you, or make you feel like less of a person. I
apologize from the depths of my being if I did any of those things.
I merely meant to learn from you, and to teach you, and in those
things, find the true happiness that crosses our paths once in a
lifetime, if we are lucky.

Continuing on, round after round, with this boxing match is doing
neither of us any good.

I want you to know that, as I have stated before, I don't think
there is anything wrong with you. On the contrary, I think you are a
wonderful person with very good qualities. You are loyal,
compassionate, supportive, and forgiving, to name a few.
Unfortunately, people are very different in what they want, and what
they are willing to offer. In our case, it is obvious that we are
mismatched. The things that you are looking for are the things that
I refuse to participate in. And the things that I am looking for are
the things that you strongly try to avoid. This doesn't mean that
either of us are bad people. And it doesn't mean that either of us
should change ourselves, or what we are looking for. It just means
that we should recognize our differences and realize that we aren't
going to find what we are looking for in one another.

I apologize for dragging this on as long as I did. After sometime,
my instincts began to tell me that we weren't well matched. I began
to realize that you weren't willing to offer me what I wanted, and
that I wasn't willing to offer you what you wanted. But I saw so
many wonderful things in you, that I pushed my instincts deep down
inside me in the hopes that, someday, we might be willing to offer
one another those things. I was wrong to do so, I accept full
responsibility, and I offer you a most sincere apology.

Again, I don't blame you. Neither one of us are to blame. It is
merely a matter of circumstance. The important thing is that we
realize our mistake, learn something about ourselves and people in
general, and begin looking somewhere else, with a little more
experience and a little more knowledge behind our eyes.

As I have said before, I think you are a wonderful person. Despite
the fact that we require different things from our partners, you
have many great and true qualities that are seldom found in the
people of this world. It is my hope that, once we have absorbed the
sorrow and hurt that comes with so great a disappointment, we will
remain friends, as I find it truly refreshing to know that people
with your qualities exist in this world, and I consider myself a
better person with you in my life.