final words?
February 28th, 2002Sarah responded to my email (subject: a reply to your post), and also posted it as a protected entry in her own journal.
From: Sarah Pryce
To: daniel
Subject: Re: a reply to your post
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 09:42:25 -0800 (PST)
There's a reason there was no comment ooption on that
post.
I'm not doing it anymore.
No more explaining.
No more defending myself.
No more no more no more no more.
I'm going to crawl under my sheets and cry for the
rest of the week.·
Then I'm going to crawl out from under my sheets and
I'll be alive again.··
Then I'll throw myself into my school work and finish
this fucking god damned semester if it kills me.
Because that's all I need in my life right now.
no more of this. no more. no more. no more.
but despite all the insanity and despite how you may
laugh and make me feel,·
deep down somewhere, i still love you.
what kind of love, who knows.
no more explaining. no more defending.
no more god damn fucking questions.
just my words. alone. standing as they mean.
mean what?·
NO. no more. no more. just listen.
maybe you'll learn something from me.
only cries. then normal. then back to respect.
then back to "huh.. that guy is pretty cool. I'd like
to get to know him better."
maybe sometime when I have time and energy. and a few
more experiences and have learned something. when I
don't feel like a social retard. when I learn how to
translate sarah language.
until then, no.
no more explanations, no more arguments, no more god
damn fucking questions.
done. but not gone.
just done. just distanced.·
still enamored. but no more god damn fucking
explanations.
This makes me feel a little better. Not because she is angry, or because she is upset, but because it validates some of the things I thought I had learned.
Her first response was so calm, and so cool, and so understandable, that it made me feel like the Sarah I had grown so upset with and so frustrated with didn't actually exist. As though she were merely a creation of her own in an attempt to piss me off and get me to leave her.
However, this response leads me to believe that it was her first response that was fake, and that I was experiencing the real Sarah all this time. The Sarah that doesn't ever know how to describe her own feelings. The Sarah that constantly contradicts herself. The Sarah that assumes more than she should and eventually blows something very simple and easy into something very complicated and difficult. The Sarah that doesn't like to talk about herself, either because she doesn't know how she feels or she just doesn't know how to say it. The Sarah who scowled at me every time I asked "How" or "Why". The Sarah who would try to talk to me about things she knew nothing about, and then stand by her opinion regardless of how uneducated it was, and then get angry– VERY angry– at me when I showed her that she was incorrect or mistaken. The Sarah that would say and do odd things, just to be odd. The Sarah that would rattle on for hours and hours in a barely connected line of thought regarding meaningless and trivial aspects of her life and, worse yet, the lives of people she USED to know in an attempt to prove to me that she was capable of intelligent conversation (at least I think that is what she was doing, though I can't be sure. I'd never heard ANYONE talk like that before. Perhaps that is the way she always speaks).
I am still hurt and upset and frustrated. But at least now I have back that clear vision and those fiery red coals.
I think Jaclyn (jaclyn) spoke to Sarah perfectly. She said things that I have said to Sarah many times. She said things I had always wanted to say to her, but was afraid of the fight that would ensue. She said things that I didn't even think of saying to her:
you are too hard on yourself. you were too hard on yourself before daniel, and you are too hard on yourself after him.
you feel as though you lack something, which in turns hinders your ability to do things in the world, such as gather in social groups, stand out in crowds, make an impression on someone….
this is because you have chosen it to be.
it doesn't have to be like this. you don't have to be quiet anymore. you don't have to sit back and wait for things to happen to you.
you are a twenty three year old woman and you have so much to look forward to in your life. these little issues can be traded in for so many things.
next time you feel like shouting, shout. next time you feel like crying, cry. don't hold back.
there is so much inside you that wants to get out, and you hinder it by using the statement "this is the way I am."
you are beautiful, and can be an excellent friend/anything else if you first concentrate on what it is that YOU want, that YOU love, and that makes YOU happy.
see this as an opportunity to focus on you, and what makes you happy. nascar, whatever. indulge in yourself.
pamper yourself.
you're never too old to learn these things.
It's all about healing, and learning, and growing, and strengthening and moving on.
