March 4th, 2002:

Hypocrites are funny.

I like how they tell you how horrible of a person you are for treating them a certain way and then continue to make you feel guilty even after you explain and apologize and then apologize again. And then, after all that, they turn around and do the SAME thing to you without even realizing it.

I also like how they make you think they care about you, and then hold that concern over your head like a sack of bricks ready to be dropped. And then, when you need them as a friend, as a concerned person, as someone who cares…. they don’t even bother to acknowledge you.

That’s okay though. I’m learning. I’m starting to see right through you.

• Repairing 20GB+ of MySQL tables is not fun. Especially when the indexes are corrupted. I’m not quite sure what is going on, but I am having to repair each of them MORE THAN ONCE to get all the errors fixed. In this case, if we lose a few rows of data it’s not a big deal, as long as we still have most of it. At this rate, it is taking about 5 hours of work per 2GB of data. And this isn’t hit a few keys and let it go type work. It’s running the repair, waiting for it to finish (about 5-10mins) then running the repair again until I can run it twice in a row with no errors. I have never seen MySQL data corruption like this before (though I can understand why this data is so bad). Anyone know of a faster or less cumbersome way to repair this data?
  
• Miss Bella had a dream about me. She says nothing naughty was going on, but I have my doubts. ;)
  
• I am hungry. In a few minutes I am going to get some cash and then go find something to eat. Probably fast food, I just don’t know what yet.
  
• I haven’t made my truck payment (due 02/21) or paid my Target bill (not sure when it is due, cause I haven’t opened it) yet. I am going to do that while at lunch.
  
• I’m going bowling tonight. And before that, I am going to have dinner with Mike.
  
• I had a good time at the DSO yesterday.
  
• I hadn’t had a Slurpee in at least three years before last night.
  
• My Slurpee exploded.
  
• Jaclyn is a very good friend.

I enjoy technology and I enjoy reading technical manuals. While doing so has obvious effects such as increased knowledge, an updated skill set, and a better understand of existing tools, there is one additional effect that, while I am sure I noticed it sub-consciously, I hadn’t seen before now: during times like these, it numbs my emotions.

Sometimes silence shatters your eardrums like a stone does a thin glass window. So used to hearing the noise, they begin screaming back themselves. When the noise stops they shatter in their own resonance. Pointed shards of glass lodge themselves in the back of your mind and stab again and again every time your head so much as turns. Just before they go, you can hear their final silent scream. You’re left wondering if anyone else heard it as you stand there in the quietest of quiets and the most painful of pains with one less sense to guide you down the darkest of tunnels.

Your enemies are strong, but you could destroy yourself faster than they could ever dream of. Your poison is quick, and your aim, deadly. You infect yourself with dreams higher than most dare, and the determination to reach them. As you climb, higher and higher, you inject hopelessness like an air-bubble in your veins. When it hits your heart, your engines stall. Your body shakes and shudders as your nose turns and points downward. Faster and faster in a nose-dive you fall towards the ground. You watch each of dreams you had obtained along the way speed by you, a few of them crashing into you as you fall, side-swiped by yourself. Below the mountain peaks you built so high and glorious, you watch the tree-line come close and closer. And then you hit the ground, to be remembered only by those who saw you splatter.