revjim.net

I'm not quite sure how to even begin a letter like this. I've sat here for ten minutes, starting and restarting. First and foremost, I want you to know that this situation was never my intention. I am a very level headed individual. I take pride in my rationality. I am known by my friends, family, and co-workers for my ability to be analytical and calculating. I would never willing my place myself in a situation as irrational as this — and yet here I am.

Jess and I "met" about a year ago. We both maintain websites regarding our personal lives, and one day, our paths crossed. I found her interesting enough to continue to come back and read more, but nothing more ever really came of it. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, I found myself engaged in a conversation with her. Before I even realized what was happening, we were talking on a daily basis and sharing our lives with one another. I woke up one morning, and as I was getting ready for work I realized there was something very special about Jess — something that made me very happy.

Unfortunately, by this point, it was too late. Regardless of how hard I tried (and believe me, I tried) I couldn't stop thinking about her and the possibilities, however impractical, of this relationship. In my mind, I consider that day the beginning of what exists today, though, in reality, I guess it started long before then.

I come from a good family. A family that has always supported me, and cared for me, and helped me pick up the pieces when I messed up. I am more grateful for them than I have words to express. When I first realized what was happening, and that there was no way I could make myself forget about it, I went to them.

Now, my mom is very protective of her children. My siblings would probably argue that she is TOO protective, but I don't agree with that. It is because of her constant worrying, and stubborn opinions that I have the clear, level head I do today. When I told them of this situation with Jess, my mom was immediately defensive. She thought it was a bad idea. "She's too young, Daniel," she said. "She lives in another country, which will make this very difficult," she added. I knew she was right. Of course she was right. I had the same thoughts myself. But there was nothing I could do. When my mom realized how serious I was, and how Jess had affected me, I think more than anything she was very happy.

It isn't but once in a lifetime, if we are lucky, that two people that fit so well together will manage to find one another across this sea of faces. My mom offered to do whatever she could to help. She wanted me to be safe about it, and she didn't want to see me get hurt. But she knew it was a risk I was going to take, whether she approved or not, so she offered her help in more ways than I can list. One thing she offered, was to call the two of you, so that, at the very least, you would understand that I am a real person, with real feelings, and that this isn't some kind of game, or some kind of trick.

From the beginning I wanted Jess to be honest with you. I wanted her to tell you what was going on, and what had happened. I am not a sneaky person. Lies, fibs, half-truths and sneaking around bother me more than anything. I wanted Jess to let you know what was going on, how she felt, and to ask for your support — for her safety, for her security, and for your peace of mind. She was afraid, however, that you would not approve and that the heartache and worry caused by your disapproval wasn't worth it until we were able to meet and decide exactly how serious we were about making this happen. My mistake was that I didn't press the issue. I should have been more adamant about my desire for you to be informed. I should have been more clear with her about how important I thought it was. I apologize for not doing so. That was clearly an error on my part. And now that you have found out in the way that you did, she and I both wish we had done just that.

As I said earlier, I am a very level headed individual. I know that there are a million different ways that this could go wrong. I know that, sometimes, people are looking for something so desperately, that they paint the face of the next person they see to look like that image of perfection that they have in their head, only to find out later that this person is not who they are looking for. Though I still have a lot to learn about love and life and living, I've seen enough to know what people are capable of tricking themselves into believing. I'm doing the best that I can to ensure that neither Jess nor I are doing that.

More than anything, I want to be happy, and I want Jess to be happy. And I want that to come with as little sacrifice and hurt as is possible. Nothing is easy in this world. I've learned that you have to fight for the things you want, and stand up for the things you believe in to even have a chance.

I know it doesn't do much good, since you don't know me from anyone else. But I want to assure you that Jess will be safe when I come to visit this weekend. And if there is anything she or I can do to help ensure you of that safety, or to ease your mind about the situation, I will make it happen.

Like I said before, I didn't ask for this. I don't want to be involved with someone I can't see on daily basis. I don't want to have to deal with country borders. I don't want to be involved with someone who has barely begun to experience life. I don't want to put you through stress. I don't want the situation to be difficult. I don't want to spend $1200 just to see her for one weekend to give us an idea of whether this is worth the time and the pain and sacrifice we are going to have to put into it. But… there is nothing I can do. Because, regardless of how hard I try, I can't seem to make myself stop thinking about her.

Jess and I decided that the best thing we could possibly do, is to meet as soon as possible — before either of us put anymore into this, as we've both already invested much more than we probably should have. After this meeting, I'll talk to my friends and my family, and Jess, and together, we'll decide what to do next. More than anything I want Jess to feel like she can talk to you about this. For your support, and your advice, and your concern.

I hope that our dishonesty can be forgiven and that Jess and I can start out with a clean slate. Jess is very important to me, and, if this works out like I hope with everything in me that it does, I don't want you to hold this against us. We have plenty of other obstacles to overcome.

If there is anything I can do to make you more comfortable with the situation and with this weekend, please let me know. My parents offer to contact you is still good, if you think that will help in anyway.

Sincerely,
Daniel