June 9th, 2002:

I love you. Like wildfire.

There is a new kitty here. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks old, at best. She eats out of a bottle and her name is “Shasta Daisy”. Bonnie’s mom rescued her.

I took about 150 pictures today. If I had used film that would have cost me $150 and I’d still have to scan them. And that’s not counting the number of shots I would have bracketed but didn’t have to because I knew how they came out. And that’s not counting all the rejects I deleted, because they weren’t quite right.

I wrote about 10 pages in my paper journal today, too. You might see some of that later.

Justin and Bonnie and maybe Ilija are going to get Thai Noodles. Mmmm.

Right now, what I miss most is seeing the world reflected in her eyes.

He points at my webcam, sitting in the middle of my room on a plastic storage box, pointed at my bed. “Do put it there when you sleep?”

I thought about laughing, or saying “no”, or making something up. But instead, I just said, “Yeah”, and went on with my business.

I want to walk a hundred miles and at the end be able to say that I didn’t really go anywhere. Not because I didn’t go anywhere, but because if I told you where I went, you wouldn’t understand.

More than anything,
I wish I could have
come home to you
tonight, sleeping
soundly in our bed.

I wish I could have
fumbled through our house,
trying not to wake you.

I wish I could have
undressed quietly
in our room hoping that
you would not be disturbed.

I wish that I could have
tried to crawl into our bed
without moving too much.

I wish I could have
tried so hard no to wake you
but in the end,
you would have woken anyway.

I wish you could have
rolled over and smiled,
still half asleep,
and kissed me
sweetly on the lips.

I wish you could have
woken up, only slightly, and
asked me how my evening was,
trying to stay awake
as I told the shortest
version of the story
that I could .

I wish you could have
rolled back over and tucked
yourself into my chest
and then fallen back sleep
in my arms where you belong.

I wish, as I was then drifting
off into sleep myself,
I could have smelled
your sleepy sweat and
kissed the back of your neck,
and felt you breathe
underneath my arms.