Though over the course of the past two or more years I have done what I can to not be this way so much, I tend to give freely and readily. Some people may disagree with this statement, and that’s fine. I’d like to think that there are certain things about me that I’ve analyzed enough times over that I understand them pretty well. This is one of those things. Chances are, if you disagree with this, it’s because you don’t actually understand what I am saying, or because the situation is different with you, and you just don’t understand how it’s different.
Partly, it is a trust thing. There are certain aspects of my trust that are easy to gain. Not because I trust you, per se, but because I have some instinctual trust in humanity as a whole. I know, that’s an odd statement coming from someone as skeptical and cynical as I am, but it’s true. This trust is easily built upon when certain things are reciprocated in a relationship (and I don’t mean just a realationship between lovers. I mean any relationship).
Other portions of it have to do with my unwillingness to hurt people. If someone asks something of me, regardless of how much it inconviences me, or troubles me, or is something I don’t want to do, I will almost always say “yes” simply because I don’t want to hurt thier feelings or leave them saying to themselves, “well, I would do it for you”. Lately, I have gotten much better at saying “no” to those people who I know wouldn’t do the same thing for me, or who wouldn’t serve some simple basic request I could make of them. I’m still working on it, however.
So, almost always, I start off giving. Straight out of the gun, I am giving. I have found that other people are reasonably quick to give when they think you have something to offer them. People seem to be more willing to give at the beginning of a relationship than they are four or five months into it. This is merely my observation and doesn’t represent proven fact. After this period of time, they stop giving, but keep asking for things. I have always been tricked into beliving that this was because they were having a hard time at that moment, and to make it easier on them, I should give more. This, I am beginning to realize, is a mistake.
The thing is, I want to give. I enjoy giving. I enjoy making other people happy. That, in turn makes me happy. But I don’t like to feel like I’ve given too much. I don’t like to feel like I am being used without reciprocation. I don’t like to feel like I care, and you don’t.
I have another problem. I analyze everything. EVERYTHING. Yes, even that. Now couple that with the first problem. If I begin to feel, even remotely, like I am giving more than the other person would ever be willing to give me (regardless of how accurate that statement is) I will analyze the situation to death, having violent downs when I start thinking that maybe I am giving more than them, and then very sudden ups when that person makes me feel wanted, or appreciated, or cared for.
Part of me says I should stop being so available. I should close up. Get a little colder. Stop being so willing. Other parts of me believe that this is one of my good qualities and that giving it up would be a travesty. Perhaps I should just stop analyzing things so intensely. The problem with that is, not only is it hard to stop, and difficult to measure, but, if I stop too much, and keep on giving, then I leave myself WIDE OPEN for attack from those that would abuse me. I can’t require additional attention from those I care about. Attention is something that should be given and not asked for. At least not constantly.
I guess I just have a lot of thinking to do. I guess I wish someone could think this out and just give me all the answers somehow. But I know that isn’t possible. The best I can hope for is help.
I don’t want to stop giving. I don’t want to stop being available. I don’t want to be the one that people start doubting in regard to weather I care or not. But I also don’t want to be the guy that is getting abused and stepped on repeatedly while I just sit there and beg for more, which is what I have been in the past. I guess what would be perfect would be to find people who give as much as me, and are as available as I am, and make that known as often as I do. I don’t think that’s going to happen. And keeping things the way they are now is horrible, because I’m driving myself AND everyone around me insane. And, to top it all off, though she doesn’t say so, I am hurting Jess, and that is the last thing that I want.
What will I do? I don’t know. I guess I’m reaching out with this, somehow.
(I thought typing all this out would help, somehow, but it hasn’t. It’s just make things seem more desperate.)