revjim.net

I much preferred ordering my phone service through AMLIconnect (AMLI's online utility connection service) because I don't have to speak to ANYONE that way, unless something goes wrong.

I call SWBell to have my order placed, now that my bill has been taken care of. The lady takes down all my information and, before I can even select the services I want, she tells me that I will be getting a million services and my bill will only be $25.89. Wow. That sounds nice.

Um, "How much will my second bill be?" I ask her.

"$45.89," she says.

No way. "Well, how much is my bill if I just want Caller ID and Call Waiting?"

"$38.35," she says confidently.

"Shouldn't it be $22.70?" I ask.

"No… you're forgetting that there is a $5 SBC line charge," she explains.

"Okay. So, I didn't know that. But then, shouldn't I be paying $27.70 and not $38.35?"

"Oh… well.. I assumed that you wanted InLine service which means that we take care of all of your in home wires should anything ever go wrong. Everyone gets that, so I assumed you wanted it too," she tells me, being deceitfully helpful.

"Well.. I don't actually need that, since my lines are owned by my apartment complex. And anyway, that's only $3.95.. where's the rest of the money going?"

"Oh well, you have to have our phone protection plan," she exclaims.

"Your what?"

"Our phone protection plan!"

"What is that?" I ask.

"If any of the phones in your house break, we'll fix them or replace them for free. Nobody goes without it because it offers you so much protection for so little," she says, realizing she's not gonna get this one.

"I don't think I need that either."

"Well.. okay… if you know what you're doing," she whines.

"I know exactly what I'm doing." I'm keeping you from STEALING from me.

"Well Mr Jim. Everything is taken care of. Now normally we'd have to charge you a $50 deposit to get your service installed, but, we've run a check on your credit and it is excellent."

I choke. "It is?"

"Yes. And because of that, we're going to waive that $50 deposit."

"Great. Thanks," I say, as I start to grow weary.

"Additionally, because of this, we are prepared to offer you a 2.4 GHz phone.." her voice trails off as I stop listening until the very end, "… and since your credit is so outstanding, we'd be willing to break it up into six small payments that would appear on your monthly phone bill."

"So how much would that be?" I ask.

"6 payments of $54.98. And remember that's for the phone and the second handset."

I choke again. "How much is that all together?"

"$334.00," she says as though she has that much in her right shoe from picking up lucky pennies.

"Thank you, but no thanks."

"Well, Mr. Jim, we can send it to you with no risk and no obligation and if you don't like it, you can just send it back," she says.

"It's not that I won't like it, ma'am, it's that there is no way in hell I will ever pay $334 for a telephone."

"But there's no obligation to buy…"

I cut her off, "Thanks. But no thanks."

"Well. Ok, Mr. Jim. We'll process your order and call you if there are any problems. You may be asked to take a survey over the next couple of days regarding your experience here, and I ask that you tell them you received 'very excellent service'."

"I'll do that," I say with my fingers crossed behind my back.

"Have a nice day, Mr. Jim."

"You too."

Click.