July, 2002:

I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to clean.
I don’t want to pack.
I don’t want to unpack.
I don’t want to pay the bills.
I don’t want to sell my truck.
I don’t want to write a rent check.
I don’t want to make supper.
I don’t want to check my email.
I don’t want to go get coffee.
I don’t want to take pictures.
I don’t want to write poetry.
I don’t want to play guitar.

I don’t want to sing.
I don’t want to suffer.
I don’t want to dance.
I don’t want to hurt.
I don’t want to play.
I don’t want to feel pain.
I don’t want to laugh.
I don’t want to cry.

I just want to sleep until you get here because
I don’t want to do ANYTHING anymore without you.

But I have to.

I have to work.
I have to pay the bills.
I have to eat.
I have to clean.
Everyday.
Without you.

I have to try to play.
I have to try to dance.
I have to try to sing.
I have to try to laugh.
Everyday.
Without you.

I have to hurt.
I have to suffer.
I have to cry.
I have to feel this pain.
Everyday.
Until you get here.
And I will.
Everyday.
Because you are worth waiting a lifetime for.

Going to see a movie on my lunch break. Is that allowed?

I haven’t written anything substantial here in quite a bit.

I’m sure you’ve noticed. Maybe you haven’t. Either way, I don’t really care.

Everytime I sit down to write about the things that weigh on my mind, I cry. Sometimes they are the slow silent tears that you can pass off as though you had something in your eye. Other times it’s crying so hard that I have to keep myself from screaming. And on some occasions, my tears are angry, and I want to just kick and break whatever is nearest me. And I am not a person that usually lashes out in violent rages of anger, so you can imagine how angry these tears are.

This morning, it’s a little bit of all of these. But, mixed inside it all, are tears of happiness, for the first time in quite a while. And that feels good.

This song makes me feel so close to you, and yet so far away all at the same time.

And this morning you told me you loved me. And I knew that you meant it.

• Tuesday
  • Remove trash from Brad’s old place.
  • Clean Brad’s old place.
  • Get LAST load of stuff from my old place.
• Wednesday
  • Clean my old place.
• Thursday
  • Clean my new place.
  • Unpack my new place.
  • Arrange furniture in logical formation.
• Friday
  • Sleep all afternoon/evening.
  • Do something fun for the first time in 8,000,000 years.

I bought a D-Link DI-604 to share my broadband connection so I don’t have to deal with having a Linux router any more if I don’t want to. Everything works perfectly after applying the recent firmware upgrade. The admin interface is a tad slow… but not bad. I show no decrease in speed using various Internet Bandwidth tests, so that’s good.

I also bought a new 400W power supply, a new 80GB Western Digital 7200RPM drive, and a new desk (because it’s a nice desk and was on sale for about 75% off).

[mundane]

(click to enlarge)

long, lazy day
My parent’s house
Keller, TX

I just had lunch with Brad, Morgan, Zoe, and Brad’s Mom and Dad. I like having them drop by unexpectedly. That’s fun. I got dressed and we walked to Subway and I fed Zoe Cheetos and let her drink my coke and she spit it all over me.

Brad confirmed that the problems I am having are most likely Power Supply related. Since I don’t have another 300W Power Supply laying around, I am going to buy one. Brad also gave me a Debain NetInst CD and 15 Invader Zim episodes. Woo! So now I can rebuild Chupacabra to do something useful, like backups. I might get a nice fat harddrive just for backup purposes and stick it in there and let it run nightly backups from my laptop/windows box/whatever. No system stuff. No applications. Just data. I’m sick of losing data. I have to find a way to share this DSL connection with only ONE network card in the laptop (the only working computer, right now), because the Debian install disk I have is a Network Install, which means it has to have network connectivity and DOESN’T support PPPoE (which is required for my DSL connection) during install.

I really like Folk Rock / Acoustic Rock. Regardless of what mood I am in, it seems to amplify it some how. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again now. I’d be real happy being a Folk Singer / Songwriter. Even if just as a hobby — something to do on weekends for pennies and jeers on the cigarette covered street corners. It’s hard for me to say why I’d want to do it. Perhaps it’s purely a form of expression, in hopes that someone, somewhere, would hear and understand. Perhaps it’s merely a cure for boredom, something to pass the time that amounts to more than doing nothing at all. Perhaps it’s with the hopes that some day I’d make a fortune strumming those strings and singing as loudly as I can. Perhaps it’s merely that I think you might love me more.

I know I should have left the house by now. I know I should be gone — out the door — doing something, nothing, anything. I have lots to do, and lots that I shouldn’t do, but still I sit here. It’s almost like I am waiting for something to happen or someone to call or some thought to make itself known. Maybe I’m just waiting for you.

Plans for today may (or may not) include the following:

• Going to Fry’s for a new motherboard, harddrive, and powersupply.

• Going to the old apartment to get the last few drops of shit I have left so that all that is left is cleaning.
• Finding a quiet place to sit an write. (Java Dave’s in Ft. Worth, maybe?)
• Seeing if Brad and Morgan need any help unpacking.
• Unpacking some of my own things.
• Bringing back the pots and pans I bought at WalMart (they suck bad — I should have known better).
• Filling up my memory card with pictures that I will never show you.