July 2nd, 2002:

When you have well over 1500 entries in Moveable Type and you tell it to rebuild all the individual pages, it takes quite a while. A LONG while.

I am at odds with myself.

From the moment I walked into the apartment that would be Jess and I’s, I’ve been bombarded with visions. We have an apartment. We have an apartment number. I’ve seen her standing on the other side of the kitchen watching me cook. I’ve seen us cuddled up on the floor in front of the fireplace reading to each other. I’ve seen the sun coming in the bedroom window, waking her up, wrapped in our bright red bedspread. I’ve seen us both in the bathroom, her standing in her bra and underwear, getting ready for work, and squeezing by one another as we try to get ready. I’ve seen the bookshelf that we made together, up against the wall by the front door. I’ve seen our dirty laundry in a big pile on top of the dryer. I’ve seen us sipping coffee on the living room couch as the rain streams down our windows. I’ve seen me coming home from a late night at work and seeing her asleep on the couch waiting for me.

It’s almost like I’ve actually lived an entire year in that apartment; our apartment. And those visions won’t stop coming.

And now I’ve found this new place. It’s better in almost every way. The most annoying thing is that, it was on my list to be visited right after the place that I ended up getting for us. But I was so happy with the place I found, I never bothered to go look. One of the downsides to this new place is that I will lose $245 in deposits and fees on the old place, if I don’t sign a lease. Additionally, we’ll spend about $100 more a month for various reasons at the new place. Additionally, because it is by a beautiful canal, there are huge problems with water bugs (read: 2 inch cockroaches). But the benefits outweigh the negatives by far.

The place is nicer. The floorplans are nicer. The appointments are nicer. We’re getting more for our money. There are more places to walk, and more things to do. Brad and Morgan will be living in this new place as well, which means I’ll have two of my best friends within a one minute walk away. The new place is filled with pretty courtyards, and running water fountains. The lights are pretty, the burning lamps on the walls are pretty, and the pools are pretty. Walking along the canal at night is very romantic and peaceful. The courtyards are covered in leaves and are the perfect place to just sit and talk. The pools are beautiful, and would make a wonderful place to entertain friends. There are many, many restaurants within walking distance for Jess to work at, and not have to drive everyday. Everything about this place is romantic, and very… Bohemian, in a yuppie sort of way (if that makes any sense). It’s wonderful. Really wonderful.

Jaclyn said when I first showed it to her, she saw Jess looking out over the canal and me looking at the reflection of the sun in her eyes, and on her face. Brad says he can imagine walking along the canal at dusk and then dropping by the Italian place on the corner for something to eat. He can imagine walking along the streets and under all of the lights that hang above them in crisscross patterns.

I can imagine all the wonderful things that come with living in this place. I can imagine seeing her and I together here. But it’s just me painting pictures in my head. They aren’t just hitting me over and over and over again with no work on my part like they’ve been doing with the old place ever since I found it.

I think (thanks to some help from Brad and Morgan) that part of the reason I am not getting these visions about the new place, is because I’m still stuck in the old place. It is ours. It has a number. It has a front door. It has an address. I even sent Jess a card a few days ago and but OUR address as the return address, just because it was ours. I’m fairly certain that, if I were to go to the new place, and just say “screw it” and rent something these visions would start coming to me in the new place, because then it would be ours.

I know we’re going to be happy no matter where we live, because we’ll be together, and all of this really isn’t a big deal. And I tend to create more conflict for myself than I should.

If I were looking for an apartment for us right now, and I were given these two options, having not settled on either one yet, I KNOW I would choose the new place. And I am pretty sure that, even though I have all these dreams locked into this old place, if I get the new place, they will follow me there. I just have to do it. But something that I cannot explain is still holding me back.

Jess is being very good about this. She hears the hesitation in my voice, and tells me, “let’s keep the old place. It’ll be less hassle, and less money, and we won’t be throwing away our deposit”. She’s so good to me, to not even think of herself, but to think about what she thinks will make me happiest. But, I honestly think that, all in all, we’ll both be happier in this new place. I just have to get my mind to stop dreaming about the old one.

I have today and tomorrow to make up my mind, and then the deal on the new place is over, and I can’t possibly afford it without it.

Please help me.