July 10th, 2002:

She. Is. All. I. Need.

My nicotine addiction seems to be over. It usually goes quickly. I can feel the last drops of it pass out of my fingertips, taking that sweet smell with them as they go. Now it’s purely psychological. This is the part where things get tricky, because my brain tries to rationalize with itself. It’s very dangerous.

I salivate for no reason. I can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, and even then it’s a challenge. I have no motivation at all. I want to eat, or sleep, or do abosolutely nothing. Even checking my email is almost too much work. Watching TV requires far too much effort. If I am actually to do something active, it ends up being good in the long run. I’ll be charged with energy for a while, and feel really good inside. But, as soon as I start driving, or sitting, or doing nothing again, I can feel it creeping back into me. This restlessness. This desire. This need. And, regardless of the truth, my mind is convinced that smoking a cigarette will end it all.

The real trouble comes when my mind tries to tell me that just smoking one wont bring back the nicotine addiction (which is true) and it will help incredibly to ease all of the tension this brings to me (which is also true). The thing that my mind doesn’t bother to mention is that, if I continue to feed the psycological portion of this addiction, then I will never be free, and I will always be a smoker. However, I present a pretty good argument to myself. Especially when the “good” half of me really wants to “lose”.

I also lie to myself by telling myself that I am ready to be a social smoker. I tell myself that I can have one now with a friend over a beer, and be totally fine and have no cravings for a cigarette later. And someday, that might be true, and when it is, that’s great. But I know better right now. I know that, if I really were ready to be a social smoker, I wouldn’t be thinking of the fact that I am ready when I’m not even in a social smoking situation. And I wouldn’t be trying to think of who I could get to have a beer with me that smokes so I could bum a cigarette off them. I know I’m lying. And that’s good. But, I lie pretty well sometimes. Especially when I want so badly to believe the lies.

So, I’m holding on. I’m trying. And I really am ready for this to be over.

Going to pick up Brad, Morgan and Zoe. Either at 4:00pm like Joel and Jaclyn say Brad said. Or at 5:49pm, which I am pretty sure is correct.

We’ll see. I like airports, so I don’t mind being there for 2 hours if need be.

SURPRISE!

Jaclyn’s surprise party is still in the works. We have 7 confirmed guests as follows:

Bonnie (bookriot)
Amy (bleu92)
Morgan (s1m0n)
Brad (sn0w_cr4sh)
Zoe (z03)
Justin (farrisgoldstein)
Laura (stick_figure)

It made it easier for more people to come by making it a dinner event, so it has been moved to occur right around 6:45pm on July 13th (THIS SATURDAY!!). Additionally, since it is at night and the group is smaller than initally expected, I am considering moving the party away from the lake and to some place a but smaller and that we can stay at past sundown. I think one of the courtyards at the new apartment complex will work out just fine for this. If anyone has a problem with the new time or the location, please let me know.

Morgan/Brad: If you two are up for it, I’d like you to show up early (6ish) to meet people and let them in to the courtyard and setup some small decorations.

There are a few more people from her work that I have yet to invite and one more person from her personal life outside of LJ that I’d like to invite. All in all, the attendance list should be below 15. It’ll be a nice little gathering and I know that she will really appreciate it.

I will have a book there for you to write in for her. For those of you that cannot make it this Saturday, if you’d like to write in the book, let me know and I’ll arrange to get it to you and back from you before she leaves.

I will be sending an email to those of you that did not respond to my initial post that I thought might be interested in coming. I’m not singling you out, or “expecting” that you come, I’m just making sure that you get the message.

I will get the hamburgers and hotdogs and the condiments.

Amy has volunteered to bring Pepperocinis (or however you spell that).

We still need the following food items:

• Chips Tortilla
  
• Velveeta Cheese and Rotel for Queso
  
• Chips Plain
  
• Dip
  
• Other chips.
  
• Hamburger Buns.
  
• Hotdog Buns.
  
• Soda/Wine/Beer.

I am still getting two cakes, only smaller than originally planned, one for ther birthday and one for her going away.

You are not required to bring anything, giftwise. Your smiling faces alone will make her very happy. However, if you do decide to bring something rememeber that we are doing two events in one.

I am still taking ideas for events, games, and other assorted fun things.

I will post directions to the new apartment as soon as it is decided that it is the best place to have it.

Thanks again, to all of you, for helping to make this day special for her.

At least in my life, LiveJournal is not an effective method of communicating crucial information. If you need to tell me something and be SURE that I get it, talking to me in person is your best bet. If that can’t be done a phone call is your second best bet.

After those very conventional methods of communication the not so conventional methods fall in line. Next comes an email. Then an IM. Then a voicemail. Then comes sticking a note to the front windsheild of my truck. After that comes pissing your message into the sidewalk in front of my apartment door. Finally, after all those, comes leaving a post in LiveJournal. And even then I’ve probably left a few out.

It doesn’t matter how big you stamp a picture of me on the post. It doesn’t matter how big the font is. My friends list is long, and sometimes I don’t get to all of it. If I don’t scroll down far enough to see your post, then it doesn’t matter how flashy you make it, I’m not going to see it. It’s not that I don’t like you, and it’s not that I don’t want to read your post. I just have too many people on my friends list, and sometimes I can’t read them all. Once a week, I try to visit the journals of the people I really care about to make sure I didn’t miss any posts, but even that doesn’t always happen.

If you need to tell me something important, please don’t use LiveJournal to do so. While there is a possibility that I will get the message, there is also a possibility that I will not.

Thanks.