addiction
July 10th, 2002My nicotine addiction seems to be over. It usually goes quickly. I can feel the last drops of it pass out of my fingertips, taking that sweet smell with them as they go. Now it's purely psychological. This is the part where things get tricky, because my brain tries to rationalize with itself. It's very dangerous.
I salivate for no reason. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, and even then it's a challenge. I have no motivation at all. I want to eat, or sleep, or do abosolutely nothing. Even checking my email is almost too much work. Watching TV requires far too much effort. If I am actually
The real trouble comes when my mind tries to tell me that just smoking one wont bring back the nicotine addiction (which is true) and it will help incredibly to ease all of the tension this brings to me (which is also true). The thing that my mind doesn't bother to mention is that, if I continue to feed the psycological portion of this addiction, then I will never be free, and I will always be a smoker. However, I present a pretty good argument to myself. Especially when the "good" half of me really wants to "lose".
I also lie to myself by telling myself that I am ready to be a social smoker. I tell myself that I can have one now with a friend over a beer, and be totally fine and have no cravings for a cigarette later. And someday, that might be true, and when it is, that's great. But I know better right now. I know that, if I really were ready to be a social smoker, I wouldn't be thinking of the fact that I am ready when I'm not even in a social smoking situation. And I wouldn't be trying to think of who I could get to have a beer with me that smokes so I could bum a cigarette off them. I know I'm lying. And that's good. But, I lie pretty well sometimes. Especially when I want so badly to believe the lies.
So, I'm holding on. I'm trying. And I really am ready for this to be over.
