July 11th, 2002:

Shit..

I haven’t gotten a free Slurpee yet.

Be back soon

It’s so close
I can taste it
in this Kilowatt
induced trance.
I feel you surge
through me. In me.
Beside me.

The static builds
between my
synapses. I feel it
form like honey.

It’s farm fresh
eggs and bacon
on an early spring
morning, hot black
coffee, and the smell
of slightly burnt toast.

I keep forgetting I
have a hole in my
flesh so I keep poking
at it to scratch that
deep internal itch
and end up digging
the hole deeper.

I should be packing, but I’m not.

Instead I’m going through linkbabyk>'s photography on Deviant Art [link] and wishing that I were even half as good as she is. The way she manages to combine color and shape and light and form is just, astounding. She makes what I would consider a very difficult shot look very easy. I’m disappointed that on the one ocassion I did have to shoot with her, I was too busy taking my own shots to watch how she worked.

Divine Intervention – Church 1
Abstract Hose 1 – Aquarium 4
Topless
Long Distance

Thank you, Kari, for such incredible work.

I’m going to try to take a nap for an hour.

Then Jaclyn’s going to come over and we are going to get dinner (company welcome).

Then I’m going to pack my room while she watches TV.

I just got an amazing “I love you” gift in the mail from an amazing girl.

She took a journal, just a plain ordinary journal like you’d find in the bookstore. She covered the front and back with torn pieces of newspaper to give it an “ink” feel. Then, in “ransom note” style, she wrote “inked thoughts” across the front of it. Then, inside of it, every couple of pages she mounted a small quotation in the corner of the page with photo squares.

Included with this was a very sweet card, several gel pens, a stuffed animal with a Canadian Flag tacked to his chest, and a postcard featuring Northern Ontario’s greatest tourist attraction, the big nickel!!!

Thank you, baby. I love you.

I am fidgety. I can’t concentrate. I can’t think. Nothing makes any sense.

I feel like all of the atoms in my body have released their bonds on one another a little bit. And so now, in between every little crack of me, there is this dead air. I can’t touch it, or see it, but I can feel it. When I walk, it’s almost as though my body sways more than it usually does because of the decrease in rigidness brought about by this extra space. I can feel everything passing through me, as opposed to going around me.

It’s almost like I’m liquid, instead of solid. It doesn’t feel bad, really, it’s just very distracting.

Is it too early to go home?

I just want to take a nap.

Then I’ll start packing, put the finishing touches on a present for my baby, pack some more, and then go back to bed.

I can’t decide if I should take tomorrow off or not. I get the keys in the morning, and there is PLENTY of work to be done. I just don’t know if it is worth taking a vacation day for or not. I mean, I can go sign the lease, do the paperwork and look at the place during the day. I’ll just run over there, deal with it, and come back. And, since it’s Friday, most people will be leaving work early, which means I can too. However, there is still about 5 or 6 hours worth of work that I could be getting done that I wont be, because I’ll be here.

Additionally, after I get off of work tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll be too tired to want to move. It seems like, since I’ve decided not to smoke, I’ve had more energy in the morning. However, I think the tense feelings of physical and psychological withdrawal tire me quickly, or, at least, I seem to get very tired a lot sooner than I did before. However, it also seems that, if I stay active, I retain that energy. So… if I get up in the morning and start moving, it is possible that I’ll stay energized until late that night, as long as I keep moving. But… if I get up, come to work and grow tired, I may not have energy at ALL when I get home.

Hmmm. I don’t know.

I’m not really that hungry. I just don’t want to sit in front of this computer anymore. So I am going to lunch. Not to eat. Just to drive.

I think I need to look at this a little bit differently.

I can’t “quit” smoking, because I never really started in the first place. I mean, sure, I smoked my first cigarette long, long ago. But so did Brad, and Justin, and Wes. Did they ever “quit”? Not in the usual sense of the word. They had no need to.

I start smoking every time I light a cigarette, and I quit every time I put it out, and that’s that. I can’t quit because I’m not smoking. Instead, I choose not to smoke today. And everyday, from now until forever, I will be presented with that choice.

On most days, I’ll choose not to smoke.

• Because I enjoy freedom.
  
• Because I enjoy life.
  
• Because I love Jess.
  
• Because I love myself.
  
• Because I like to smell good.
  
• Because I hate bad breath.
  
• Because food tastes better.
  
• Because I’ll have one more hand to hold her with.
  
• Because I can run faster.
  
• Because I can play harder.
  
• Because I can sleep less and live more.
  
• Because it’s hot outside.

And, if I should choose to smoke one day, it isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to die at age 14 of lung cancer. I know plenty of people who smoke on occasion. I also know people who drink on occasion, people who gamble on occasion, people who smoke pot on occasion, people who skydive on occasion, and people who have sex with people they don’t know on occasion. Sure some of these things aren’t “good for you”. Life isn’t good for you. Driving over the speed limit can cause undue stress eliminating precious seconds off your life. Living in LA can give you lung cancer. So what.

Smoking every day of my life is bad for me.

• It makes food taste less flavorful.
  
• It makes my kisses taste bad.
  
• It makes my hands smell funny.
  
• It makes me cough.
  
• It makes my clothes stink.
  
• It makes me angry when I can’t smoke.
  
• It makes me violent when I can’t find a lighter.
  
• It makes me hurt people that haven’t done anything wrong.
  
• It makes me waste time that I could be spending kissing Jess.
  
• It makes me spend money on something that I don’t really need.
  
• It makes a mess.
  
• It makes my mom sad.

I choose not to smoke today, because smoking isn’t worth all of these things.

Smoking hides himself as a friend. He makes it look like he is there whenever you need something. The truth is, you wouldn’t “need” something, if he hadn’t been there in the first place. He causes that need. Smoking is a parasite friendship. He feeds on you. He lies to you. He sucks out the best of you.

In the past 3 days, 2 hours, 56 minutes and 21 seconds, I have NOT smoked 94 cigarettes. I have saved $20.25 and I will live 17 hours longer.

I choose not to smoke today because, with the money I save, I am going to buy two nice mountain bikes for Jess and I. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll change my mind before then. What matters is that, in just six months, I’ll have saved enough money for both of them. And that’s something I would be giving up if I should decide to smoke every day of the next six months instead.

I can’t quit smoking. But I can choose not to smoke today. And even just this one day will make a lot of difference.

I choose not to smoke today, because there are too many things I would be giving up if I did. I choose not to smoke today because I love myself, I love my friends, I love Jess, and I love my life.

I choose not to smoke today. Period.