July 17th, 2002:

I’m going on a photo adventure. Yes at 9:15 at night. Just me, my digital camera, a tripod, and my journal.

Maybe I am hostile. But, is only related to the fact that I am not smoking indirectly. Life is kind of crappy right now. Certainly not the worst it has ever been, but it isn’t all happy and pretty either. Just about EVERY person that I have ever met has turned to some sort of vice when they get stressed out, or worried, or anxious.

Some people drink. A lot of people drink. More often than not I’ve heard statements like “I need a drink to be able to tolerate him” or, “I can’t take this any more, want to go out for a beer”. Other people run or lift weights. Some people eat. A lot of people eat. Think of how many girls pig out on dessert type foods just before/during/after their period. Some people masturbate. Some people have sex. Some people go out dancing. Some people go shopping.

Everyone has a vice. That’s just how people work. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I’m not debating that. The problem is when a person is unable to use that vice, he begins to overflow with negative feelings and without the knowledge of a method to relieve them.

So, the person like me has three choices (in order of ease).

1) Use your vice.

2) Replace your vice with another vice.

3) Calm yourself with your own mind and require no outside assistance.

But everyone bitches and complains and makes you feel like a failure unless you choose option 3. Let me see you choose option three the next time your live gets tough. I can think of VERY few of you that would.

To appreciate this story, you need a small history lesson:

Last Thursday I had a cyst removed behind my ear and it required one stitch. When the doctor was finished he told me that I needed to come back in a week to have it taken out. I went to the front office and paid my copayment. Then I stood there waiting for my appointment, and they looked at me funny and said, “did you need something else?”. I informed them that I did indeed need another appointment. They asked, “what for?” and I explained that I had to have the stitch removed. They informed me that a nurse could do that, and that it would be easier and faster if that was okay with me, to which I agreed and scheduled an appointment for today at 9:30am.

So today I get to my appointment a few minutes early where I proceed to sit for over an hour while patients who arrived after me are handled. Finally, I am called in to see the nurse who tells me that I need to see the doctor. I inform her that I just need my stitch out and that the front desk said a nurse could take care of that and then she informs me that the doctor left a note in my file specifically stating that I needed to see him.

So, now I have another appointment for tomorrow at 12:10pm. As I was at the front desk making my NEW appointment, the bitch behind the counter had the balls to ask me to pay a co-payment, to which I very politely told her that she would get $15 out of me if, and only if, she dropped to her knees and sucked my dick. Okay, I didn’t really say that, but I wanted to. Instead I just told her that no services were rendered and that I was merely rescheduling.

If one more person tells me “you can do it,” I’m going to stab myself. I have no doubt that I can do it. I can also jump off of bridges, and run in the wrong direction down 75 at 2:15am wearing all black. I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I can do it. That is not the issue at all.

When you are stressed out and you can’t turn to a vice (even though the rest of America does just that including those fucks that look at me in shame when they hear that I smoked another cigarette) what do you do? You call people that you are pissed off at and bitch at them.

Raine at the Mansions of Coyote Ridge… come on down… your the next contestant on, “I don’t care if I’m right, I’m pissed”.

She’d be smart not to answer her phone.

Update: She was smarter than I thought. She either quit or was fired, but she is no longer with them. I feel VERY sorry for Amber, her replacement, whom I left a message with.

breathing isn’t easy.

breathe, daniel, breathe. mind over matter. control the situation, don’t let the situation control you. breathe, daniel, breathe. look for positives. breathe.

Ugh. My apartment rent check just cleared. And I mailed my truck payment on Saturday, so it should clear soon. Once it does, I will have $20.62 left in ALL my accounts. That is officially the poorest I have been in quite a while. This really sucks. I am getting VERY stressed out.

Ugh… and I am about to leave for the doctor, which is a $15 co-payment, and I don’t have any cash, so, make that $5.62. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.