December 22nd, 2002:

reaching new levels of procrastination

As if my track record for procrastination wasn’t known all over the world already, this year I’ve decided to test myself. I’ve waited until 3 days before Christmas to go shopping. One would think that would be enough to test my endurance, stamina, and ability to knock down old ladies with a shopping cart. But, just to really show the world what I’m capable of, I’ve booked a flight on Christmas Eve, meaning I actually only have 2 days to shop and pack and prepare my household for my week of absence.

In order to determine the magnitude of this event, I ventured out to Wal-Mart last night at 2am. The place was packed. People were randomly grabbing boxes from the shelves, with no regard to their contents. The stuffed animal aisle looked as though it had never recovered from the L.A. riots. The DVDs were piled high in the center of the store and being used by children like the ball-pens in the McDonald’s Play Place. My observances showed me what I already knew: today will be hell.

If you’re like me, and have waited this long to attempt any level of Christmas shopping, I have a tip for you.


And run over as many people as you can on your way into the parking lot. The less people there are, the less competition you have for that last bright green night gown and stocking cap set.