January 14th, 2003:

No matter how tired I am or how long I sleep, I never seem to rest without you here.

Through an ongoing series of events I believe I have accomplished something so great, my grandchildren’s grandchildren will speak of it in common dinner-table conversation. I currently have three (3) automobile insurance policies for the same vehicle. That’s right ladies and gentle, you heard me correctly.

I had a policy with Progressive that was supposed to renew on 2003-01-11. I called in to cancel it. The agent on the phone said he did so and he removed my billing information. Somehow, however, I have been billed $300.92 and I still have an active policy.

On 2003-01-11 I called Progressive to establish a new Policy and informed them of my intent to cancel it within a week. This policy was established and now that I am requesting to cancel it, they are telling me it will take 3 weeks to go into effect.

Today, I have established a new policy with NationWide insurance. This is the only policy I actually wish to have.

I have spent over $1000.00 in automobile insurance alone this month, and, unless some magic occurs in the offices of Progressive the fucking bastards who steal my money, don’t do what they say, and — regardless of how much I beg — tell me they don’t want my business, I will pay another $1000.00 in automobile insurance next month.

I know what you’re asking: “Good Reverend, how is it possible that a man of your humble and giving nature could have so much money to spend?”. The truth is, my children, I don’t. But the good Lord will provide.

Lord, if you’re reading this, please place $2000.00 in unmarked bills on my doorstep sometime this evening. Or, alternatively, insert $2000.00 into my checking account.

Progressive’s slogan is “Not what you’d expect from an insurance company”. I only have one thing to say: you’re damn right I wouldn’t.