Jess’ talk of the replacement of passion and Bonnie’s mention of infatuation being only for younger couples has brought a few thoughts to my mind.
I think we all crave to be craved. We all want someone to want us. We all want to be infatuated. And I don’t think that is something that disappears with age. At some time we’ve all heard someone say — either in regard to ourselves or in regard to someone else — “I just want something different”. I don’t think it is “different” that we seek. It is infatuation. It is excitement. It is our desire to be desired. We don’t want something “different” we just want what brought us to that person in the first place.
Regardless of how long two people have been together, and regardless of what stories or lies they will tell you, it is exciting to be flirted with. It is exciting to know that someone wants you. It is thrilling to know that someone desires something about you. And there is nothing wrong with that feeling. But to think that, with age, our desire to feel this way will fade is to believe a lie.
As couples grow older, many of them find new and interesting ways to be infatuated with their partner. Others are still infatuated with the same things that infatuated them in the first place. These are both good things. However, in some cases, we find ourselves “growing up” and learning to cope without that infatuation. But all we’ve done, in this case, is to suppress one of the very things that make us human beings, and, in the end, we will find ourselves very unhappy or very numb.
Let me be clear about this: I’m not saying that it’s okay to “cheat”. And I’m certainly not saying that every relationship has a pre-determined lifetime and that it should be discarded once it has expired. There are many facets to a happy, engaging, infatuating, desirable relationship and they all play into its success or deterioration.
As a relationship matures, some of those things that made us tingle deep inside will fade. That’s a given. It just isn’t possible to maintain those things and still find ourselves in a growing relationship. But that doesn’t mean that the infatuation disappears. It merely means we find new things to be infatuated with. In the beginning, just the mere thought of speaking to that person on the phone would shoot warm tingles all over our bodies. We’d find ourselves nervous, and stuttering and, when the phone call was over, analyzing every word we said and kicking ourselves for not saying things a little bit differently, or, in some cases, for saying anything at all. But imagine, for a second, if that never faded — if we still got that same, wonderful, magical tingly feeling with every phone call. Would be be able to hold the mature, fulfilling, satisfying, erotic, intelligent, thought provoking, heart warming conversations that we have today? Since we’d spend 90% of the phone call trying to keep the phone from slipping out of our sweaty palms, probably not.
It’s not important to maintain every single thing we’ve ever been infatuated with about a person. Instead, we should remember how amazing those things were, and allow them pass naturally and be replaced by even more amazing and fulfilling things. Just because every kiss doesn’t feel the same as the very first kiss you ever shared doesn’t mean it’s time to call it quits.
Deciding when a relationship is “over” is one of the more difficult things to do. And it isn’t something that you can be taught in a 2 day seminar, or something that you can read in a book, regardless of the author. It’s ultimately up to you (and your partner) to decide when enough is enough. But it should be known that force, ultimatum, lavish offers, imaginary promises and all-out begging generally don’t do much good. We want things to work out. We want this one to be “the one”. And, oftentimes, we’ll do whatever it takes to try to make that happen. And that is a very noble mind-set to hold. However, there comes a time when trying to hold things together is actually making it worse. And it is important that both partners retain enough of themselves and their own sense of security to see when that point has come, to acknowledge it, and to move on.
Love isn’t easy. And there aren’t any rules or a nice neat handbook that we can refer to. A guy might send an email to a girl he was interested in and tell her that he’d like to meet her for a cup of coffee only to be turned down. Then, a few days letter, send an almost identical email to a different girl and find himself sharing a cup of coffee with her that evening and waking up with her the next morning.
Don’t think for one second, however, that, if the person you’ve found is the “right” person, that everything will progress perfectly without a hitch. Love doesn’t work like that either. But, when you find that person that continues to infatuate you, even when he pisses you off, you’ll know that, regardless of how hard some days are, being without him isn’t an option. And he’ll know that too.
Oftentimes, it is easier for us to accuse our partners of being the reason things aren’t working out than it is for us to accept the blame ourselves. It is easier for us to say “You aren’t infatuated with me anymore” instead of saying “I don’t infatuate you any longer”. Sometimes we’re right. Sometimes it is their fault. Sometimes we’re sure we’ve done everything we can and our partner just doesn’t desire us any longer. If you think you’ve come to that point, there’s only one way to be sure: ask.
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