It’s been so long since I’ve written anything really personal here. I just feel like this isn’t the place for it anymore — like I need to go somewhere else to get those personal aspects out. I feel like this has become the part of me that I’m not afraid of showing people, and that my secrets should be kept that way: as secrets. Sometime last year I started Amorphous thinking that I might feel more freedom to write there, but the technicalities involved with drawing a straight line in the middle of my life and saying “These things go here and those things go there” just became too difficult. So I’ll write this here, I guess.
When Jess finally made it back into the US toward the end of January, I knew it was only temporary. I knew that, in a little more than two months, she’d have to go back to Canada. And I knew that, when she was able to return, it would only be harder for her to get back into the US. For some reason, it didn’t really phase me then. We talked a little, made pseudo-plans to attempt to get her enrolled in school here, and that was good enough to satiate me then. I felt like I was doing something even though, in reality, I was doing nothing at all.
It wasn’t until two or three days ago that I really realized she would be gone and that, unless INS happen to be in an incredibly good mood, the likely hood of me seeing her here again before September was slim — and even then it was questionable. I panicked. I did. I freaked out inside, though, unless you were incredibly perceptive, you wouldn’t have noticed it. And, in that panic I started an internal debate with myself.
Jess and I had mentioned marriage on and off as an option to avoid all of the INS troubles we were having. Every time one of us had brought it up, Jess entertained the idea seriously. Despite the fact that I’m almost 25 and, in order to meet that list of unwritten requirements society created, should be married and at least considering children by now, I still had this fear of that eternal commitment. Being an individual very opposed to even the concept of divorce, I wanted to make sure that, when I did get married, I was making the right choice. So when we’d talk about marriage, I was seriously considering it, and that scared me inside just a little. But, really, I never actually made that internal choice to do it. It was just a thought; an idea; something to consider.
It wasn’t that I didn’t think Jess was “right”, but that I was afraid being married to her might mean I had to compromise more of myself than I was willing to. The truth was, I couldn’t even think of anything that I would be compromising, or anything that I would be giving up that I hadn’t given up already. I was already committed to her financial support. I was already committed to her physically. I was ready to be there for her regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the difficulty, regardless of what that meant I had to sacrifice. I guess that’s part of who I am. When I’m in a serious relationship with someone, I’m in it with everything I have. And my relationship with Jess is certainly the most serious I’ve ever been in. While it wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to put a name and a face to the reason why I wasn’t ready, I think it all boils down to a single strand of thoughts that I have.
I like flirting. I like being flirted with. I like knowing that, if I wanted someone, I could have them. I like feeling like I have sex appeal. I like feeling like I am found attractive. I like it when a girl smiles at me. I like seeing naked women. I like knowing that a woman wants me to see her naked. I think about my past girlfriends and relationships, and sometimes even recount in my head the explicit details of our physical activities. I could go on and on…
I haven’t always had these thoughts. In fact, when I lost my virginity to Amanda at the age of 19, I didn’t have thoughts like these. Sure I was still your typical 19 year old boy who enjoyed flipping the pages of the Victoria’s Secret catalog every once in a while. But it wasn’t the same. I’m not quite sure how the thoughts progressed or where they came from, but it certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I’ve been having them since well before I started dating Jess.
Now I know I’m not the only man or woman to have ever had thoughts like this. I know that single and dating men and women have these thoughts all the time. However, I’ve never heard nor read of anyone other than the slimiest of men and women having these thoughts while involved in a serious relationship. Therefore, I’ve always felt that, as some sort of sign, when it is time for to get married, I’ll no longer have these thoughts. Either that, or the person I am marrying will be understanding and accepting of them. And, while these thoughts certainly don’t consume my entire being, they are still present. And, while I’ve never made them constantly known to Jess in any fashion, I can tell by the way she handles other situations that she would certainly not accept nor appreciate them.
These thoughts don’t make me uncomfortable when I’m not dating someone seriously. I figure it is a perfectly normal, instinctual, built-in portion of being human; of being a mammal; of being an animal that pro-creates for survival. However, women that you are involved in a serious relationship with don’t really appreciate thoughts like this coming from their significant other. Well, I’ve met a few that do, but not many. And since I’m not a woman, I don’t know if that unacceptance is instinctual, or is part of societal programming, or is simply due to a lack of understanding. However, I do know that my ideal marriage is one of pure honesty and openness. And therefore, these feelings have to either go away, or be accepted if I’m going to be married to someone. Maybe I’m just too idealistic.
So as this internal conflict raged inside me, something in my head clicked, if just for a brief moment, and it all made sense. It wasn’t like the thoughts had gone away, or that Jess suddenly gave me a sign to let me know she accepted them, but, for some reason, they just didn’t seem to matter any longer. And so, deep inside the very depths of everything that I am, I decided that, if she would have me, I would marry Jess.
Jess has a piece of paper (and I-94) from INS that states she must be out of the US no later than April 2nd. With less than two weeks to work with, if we were going to do it, we had to act fast: Get a marriage license Tuesday, marry on Saturday, start the paperwork on Monday, file for her Green Card on Friday. It was already Monday night. Despite all of the crazy plans I had dreamed up since childhood regarding how I would propose when I did it, I didn’t have the time to even think about planning it. I didn’t even have time to pick out a ring. So, I mustered all my courage and asked her in the most romantic and heart-felt way a man with about an hour of planning and less than two hours of time left could: “Why don’t we just get married?”. I was serious, though I don’t know if she realized it at first. She considered it, and said, “okay”. It didn’t even seem like she had to think about it and I really liked that she didn’t.
I barely slept that night thinking about it, and Tuesday morning was filled with nothing but research on what had to be done to make this happen. I spoke with an immigration lawyer to calm my fears and make sure we were doing everything right. Everything was right on track and, in my mind, there was no turning back. The weirdest thing was that I was okay with that. I didn’t have any second thoughts. My feet didn’t drop in temperature by even one degree.
And then Jess told me she couldn’t do it. I was shocked. Truly I thought that if anyone was going to back out of this at the last second, it would be me. She said that, while her father wasn’t telling her she couldn’t do it, he was strongly suggesting that she wait. And, her respect for her father and his opinion is so great, that she had to honor that.
I realize now that I shouldn’t have challenged her. A “no” is a “no” and she doesn’t need any more reason than that when it comes to something this serious and long lasting. And, even if I could convince her to change her mind thorough reasoning, I would then be filled with doubt about her desire to go through with it and worry that she was just doing it so she wouldn’t hurt me. When I came home for lunch we bought her plane ticket home for April 2nd. I was still very shaken up, but I didn’t feel I should argue with her any more. It wasn’t productive and didn’t really matter. She had said “no”. That was the important part.
I went back to work and couldn’t think of anything but this. I didn’t know for sure, but something inside of me told me that she was hiding behind her father in order to remove the responsibility of hurting me by saying “no”. I knew there had to be another reason. This made me uneasy. It made me crazy. I had to know what it was. We argued, we fought, and, when I finally came home from work that evening she was crying.
You see, Jess and I are a lot alike in this respect. Neither one of us wants to hurt anyone else, especially each other. Because of this, neither one of us wants to take the blame when it happens so we hide. We’d much rather manipulate the situation so that someone or something else is doing the hurting. Or, if hurt is inevitable, adjust the situation so that, in the end, we are the one that gets hurt. In this respect, we get to be the victim and live guilt free and yet, we still get what we wanted to begin with.
So I sat down with Jess that night and presented myself and our situation to her more honestly than I believe I have ever been with anyone. I told her that I knew she was hiding behind her father. I told her that I knew there was another reason for this. And, slowly but surely, I told her what I thought the real issue was: she was afraid. She was afraid of putting herself in a situation where she wouldn’t be able to live her life the way she wanted to at the age of 19. She neither confirmed nor denied this as the conversation went on, however, for some reason I went to sleep that night feeling as though everything had been worked out and that not getting married right now was the right choice.
I still had a lot on my mind. I had a lot of things to figure out. I had to get over my pride being hurt. I had to figure out what we would do while she was gone for six months. Should we see other people for that six months to give her a chance to be 19 and free and see if that was the life she wanted right now? She would take the difficult route and maintain a long distance relationship for six months, only to see each other for three months and then enter another state of being apart? What should we do? What would we do? Additionally, all of those worries that I had about the thoughts that run through my head gradually came back. And, with those worries securely in place again, I was convinced that I shouldn’t be married until they either went away, or I was marrying someone who understood them.
A lot has happened since then. Everything’s turned upside down. Jess spoke to her parents a few more times and decided that they really aren’t saying “no” — they just aren’t saying “yes” either. She’s also reconsidered her reasons for saying “no” in the first place, and reconsidered just how affected she’ll be without me for six months. Those twists and turns led us through all of yesterday and this morning. When I went home for lunch today, Jess told me that she had reconsidered everything and that she now thinks we should get married.
Woah! Wait! Hold on!
So now I’m filled with worry that the time isn’t right for me, that she’s changed her mind because she doesn’t want to hurt me, and that we need a lot more time to sort this out. What if I’m not ready? What do I do about these thoughts that I have? If the time were right, wouldn’t they go away? What made me so capable of dismissing them in the first place? Is there a woman out there that I will love as much as I love Jess, that will love me as much as she does, and that will accept these things about me? Is it right and normal to have these thoughts and feelings while in a serious, committed relationship?
Even if I weren’t having these worries, it’s a little late. It’s past Tuesday. There’s no way we’ll get our paperwork in before the 2nd of April. And while that doesn’t really hurt our chances of our marriage being approved and her being allowed to stay in the US, it does mean that, during that time between the 2nd of April and when we do file our paperwork INS can detain and deport her if they can catch her. I do not like even the mere thought of her being considered an illegal alien.