September, 2003:

Miette got a little “Nip Tuck” action of her own, yesterday. I dropped her off at the Vet on my way to work so that she could get a few shots and have all of her girly organs cut out. Jess picked her up around 4:30pm.

I’ve never had a female cat before, so I didn’t know what to expect. The operation on male cats is pretty quick and easy and it doesn’t take them very long to recover. Female cats, however, are much more affected by the surgery. Miette seems to be doing much better today than she was yesterday. She still doesn’t want to be picked up, and hasn’t eaten anything as of this morning. But, she was walking around a lot more, and that’s a good thing.

My place of employment is offering a Voluntary Separation Incentive Package to all of its management employees. That means me. In my specific situation, based on my 6 years of service and various bonuses, they are offering my 60% of my annual salary, plus cash for any unused vacation days and my banked vacation days as well as a prorated (10.5 months) performance award in March targeted at 11% of my salary and based upon our company’s performance. They are also offering a 5% pension bonus, but, as I am no where near to retiring, that doesn’t really affect me. Not now anyway.

While I don’t claim to know exactly why they are offering this package, I’m sure they are using it as an alternative to layoffs. It is expected that a lot of people will take the offer, as there is no cap. So this means that, if I do stick around, there will most likely be lots of room for advancement, promotions, and job changes. These, of course, all seem like good things. Things good enough to stick around for. However, when you work for an antiquated telephone company who hasn’t seen any real innovation in 10 years, it’s hard to consider anything that involves staying here a better alternative than leaving.

It would be a bit difficult for me to take the package, despite the fact that I could live the same lifestyle I currently live for 8 months before running out of money, without another job lined up. And finding a job in today’s market isn’t exactly easy. However, I figure it can’t hurt to look and I have about 45 days left to decide.

So I’m starting a job hunt, refreshing my resume, ironing my suit, and hoping for the best. If I find a job, it’ll mean a nice chunk of free money, a new atmosphere with a new beginning, and the end to a job that I find unchallenging, monotonous, and depressing.

I’m a highly skilled, very experienced, web and database programmer. I know Linux very well, and can easily double as a system administrator. I have a good understanding of TCP/IP and IP Networks. I managed a team of web and database developers for 2 years, stopping only due to a change in management structure, and currently continue to act as a technical lead for that team. I am well versed in most of the web related buzz words you can think of, including, but not limited to, PHP, Perl, XML, XML-RPC, SOAP, HTML, XHTML, CSS and RSS. I am also very familiar with the installation and administration of a whole host of server applications including, but not limited to, apache, sendmail, exim, MySQL, Samba, OpenSSH, GnuPG, and Courier. Aside from my list of core proficiencies, I have found myself working with many other technologies on a regular basis. This includes a long list of Microsoft products (IIS, Exchange Server, MSSQL, Access, Windows), Compaq’s Tru64 Unix, Netscape Enterprise Server, Remedy, Informix Open Dynamic Server, and Oracle, to name a few. I am a hard working, “jack of all trades” with good work ethic, excellent customer service skills, and a strong desire to change the world through technology.

Do you know someone who could use a person like me? If so, please let me know. I will gladly provide my resume upon request.

Last night, Jess and I went to see Underworld with Joel, Emily and Josh. Jess didn’t like it at all and got very bored. But I thought it was great. Then again, any movie that involves attractive women, pale faces, and sharp pointy teeth will intrigue me. I have a thing for vampires.

Today, we’re leaving at dawn to go to my parent’s house. Then it’s off to the Alliance airshow. My sister is way into airplanes, so they were going, and we decided to go with them. I haven’t been to an airshow in a while, so I think it should be a good time. I don’t mind getting up so early, as I would have probably been up already, but Jess doesn’t usually like it. She’s doing pretty well so far, having got up with me at 5:30am instead of sleeping until the last minute like I assumed she would. Plus, on the up side, I told her we’d stop to get Breakfast Taquitos at Whataburger. I think that might be her only motivation.

If I remember, I’ll be bringing one of my knives to my dad’s so he can fix it for me. I dropped it onto a hard floor a while ago, and the tip got bent just a bit. Hopefully, also, I’ll be able to get a Chilton’s manual for the 4runner today so I can take a multi-meter to all the sensors and see if any of them are acting up. I may also try to pull a spark plug or two today, if I’m ambitious. Car repair scares me a bit, and I’ve never really done more than Breaks, Alternators, and Batteries. But, I should be able to handle it. Maybe I can talk Dad into helping out. I always feel better if someone’s there with me, regardless of their knowledge level. And my Dad knows a lot more about cars than me, so that’s a bonus.

Then, tomorrow morning, Jess starts her first day of training at her new job. It’s weird to think of Jess working. But, it’s a good thing. It’ll give her something to do during the days, and bring in some extra cash to help us loosen our belts a bit.

For $400, the unreleased Minolta Z1 looks like a decent camera. Much more aggressively priced than that $1200 asking price for the dImage 7 when it first came out. It boasts roughly the same features as the dImage 7, with a longer lens (10x vs. 7x) and a smaller sensor (3.2MP vs 5.2MP). However, at 1/4 the price, it has almost all the same features. Certainly worth the money for advanced consumer or shoe-string budget pro/am. Unfortunately, it’s Minolta. And I hate them.

Not only does nobody else use her computer in more than a passing way, the computer, an Apple Macintosh, is not even capable of running the KaZaA file-swapping program. And though the lawsuit against her said that she was heavily into the works of hip-hop artists like Snoop Dogg, Ms. Ward says her musical tastes run to Celtic and folk. [via BoingBoing]

I guess I didn’t fully understand the power the RIAA had. They can subpoena name and address information from Internet Service Providers even when they have no real evidence? Could I contact, say, AOL and inform them that I hold the copyright to a specific song and that that song was being shared by IP address 1.2.3.4 at 10:43am yesterday? Would they have to give me that information? If so, hell, I’ll just do that whenever I have an IP address and I want to know who it belongs to.

This is absolutely absurd. Even after realizing what idiots they are, the RIAA didn’t even have the decency to apologize. Instead, with a letter, they dismissed the case “as a gesture of good faith”. But the letter added, “We will continue our review of the issues you raised and we reserve the right to refile the complaint against [her] if and when circumstances warrant.”

I’m going to be sick. How did we allow ourselves to lose this much freedom and right to privacy?

Tenía una cucaracha en mi coche. ¡Que imposible! Él no era mi amigo. Él intentó beber mi café. Pero lo rompí con una botella del agua. Es muerta ahora. Hola mi pequeña cucaracha muerta. Mujajajaja.

(enlarge)

I used to think that time stood still. Of course, I knew it moved. The sky would get darker every night, and lighten again each morning. But I stayed the same. My bones didn’t get tired. I didn’t gain any weight. Nothing decayed. Nothing broke down into smaller, simpler versions of itself. From my viewpoint, time stood still.

It was this narrow minded view of time that made life so interesting, so carefree. So what if I didn’t make it today, I could always try again tomorrow. Deadlines only existed at work, and I didn’t care enough about it to let it worry me when I wasn’t there. If that meant waking up 20 minutes before I had to be there, skipping my shower, and coming in with a wrinkled shirt, it wouldn’t really bother me. More often than not, until I got my very last job, work was really just another social gathering. Another place to meet people. Another chance to hook up. Another chance to connect with someone and really feel life, at least for an instant.

I am unable to point to the circumstances that made time move again. When an entire portion of your life is merely one long instant, the days and months and years all blur together. I can’t remember even what year it was that I quit one job and started another. Sometimes I get the order of who I dated when all mixed up. If you asked me how many people I’ve slept with, I’d have to count in my head and would most likely say, a few minutes later, “Oh, wait. I missed one.” It’s almost demeaning to list them all out in one long word, simply so I can count the syllables.

In reality, it’s easier to remember the names and faces of those that I couldn’t have, or didn’t have. If I were to try to make that list of names, I would list them slowly and perfectly. Stopping at each one to recount the closest that I came and why I didn’t get any further. I could tell you what made each of them so attractive; so desired. With this list, the order doesn’t matter, because the fact was constant and recurring.

From job to job, roommate to roommate, lover to lover, misfortune to misfortune, I have one blurry instant in time to keep it all.

Time doesn’t stand still any longer. I’m getting older. I’m getting tired. I’m losing my touch. I recently ran into the step-father of the first girl I ever slept with. I quickly extended my hand and announced, happily, “This is my wife, Jess”. He shook her hand, I think, and stood for a minute before saying only one thing to me. While patting his gut he announced, “You’ve put on a little weight, haven’t you?”. I didn’t even grace him with a response; just a curse masked with a chuckle. Then it was time to leave.

I wouldn’t trade what I have now to go back to where time stood still. But for a moment — for this moment — it’s nice to look back and live in that instant again.

I have trouble asking for things. Even simple things. Even things that I know would be given happily if I’d just ask for them. For instance, right now, in my pocket I have 55 cents. That’s 10 cents shy of a Pepsi from the vending machine. I’m sure there are 14 people around me who have a dime that they would be more than happy to part with. But I won’t ask for it.

It’s no secret, to me anyway, that this has a lot to do with my failure. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn’t exactly fix the problem. And, like I said before, trying to find the root of that problem simply leads to the discovery of more problems, all without solutions.

I don’t have trouble asking my parents for things. I imagine that, since I’ve lived 25 years of needing, and they’ve spent 25 years providing, it’s almost second nature to ask them for something when I need it. I try not to, and rarely do, really. Not because they’ll hold it over my head or anything like that, but because I enjoy being independent. I enjoy making it on my own. I enjoy knowing that I can provide for me and my family without help.

I was tempted to ask for help right after we bought the new truck. Our bank accounts were dangerously low, and I wasn’t sure we’d make it until my next paycheck without floating some bills or missing some payments. But I didn’t. I held out. We’re still dead broke. But we’re 3 days away from being paid and in very little danger of running out of money now. It feels good. To tighten down, and ride out the storm, instead of screaming for a life raft to get us to shore. Because, had we asked for a life raft, we’d only have to paddle it back out to sea to get where we were before.

In reality, it’s not going to hurt to ask for a dime. It’s not going to steer me way off course, or affect me in any great financial matter. Even if I was obligated to repay the dime at 100% interest per day, I could easily repay the person with two dimes tomorrow. But, it’s also not going to hurt me to go without.

That’s where the problem lies. I have a hard time choosing to ask for something, when I can most likely make it without.

(accept this notation as my expression of additional frustration in regard to not having a separate place for these things, where I could write more freely without concern)

I’m getting the itch to code Inklog again. bBlog’s been doing pretty well for me. But I’ve got some more functionality that I’d really like.

I dislike that my URLs (as clean as they are) only have ID numbers in them. Not very useful for trying to figure out what something is without looking at it. Dates, or title words, or both would be more useful. Adding another field into bBlog to allow for this would be fairly easy, I think.

Additionally, I’m getting the hankerin’ to have multiple blogs again. I know, every attempt I’ve made in the past to split my life into nice little chunks has failed miserably. But, none the less, I’d like three main sections: Tech, Life and Art. Really, they should all be on one blog. So, I may end up doing some super-complicated category assignment to handle what shows up where and why. But that’s confusing. I’m thinking that I’ll have SUPER categories for the various sections of the site (which are already mostly employed). This would be things like “Tech”, “Life” and “Art”. Then, I’ll add another category called “Front Page” which is for items worthy enough to make the Front Page of the site. Then, the actual Front Page will be broken up into three pieces, each showing the most recent entries from each of the three sections but ONLY including those items found in the “Front Page” category. People using RSS readers can then subscribe to the entire site, just one (or more) categories, or just the Front Page category, getting just the good stuff (as I deem them “good”).

One of the reasons for wanting different sections of the site is to allow each of them to have a different look and feel. This can also probably be implemented in bBlog fairly easily.

I really like to improve bBlog as opposed to rolling my own, because that way I’m working towards the greater good of open source software and fostering interaction and improvement. The bBlog project has been very generous to me, allowing me direct CVS access and the ability to modify whatever I please. However, sometimes, retaining backward compatibility and upgradability is difficult. And having to keep that in mind makes coding a little bit more difficult. There are many changes that exist in MY code, that I have not commited to bBlog CVS, simply because too many things would break for other people if I did. The problem with that is, when bBlog gets updated in anyway, my code has severe problems. And, because fixing things that aren’t broken isn’t exactly what I call fun, it’s easier to just not update my copy of the code than it is to fix all the problems that doing so would bring. However, now that I’m planning on altering the code again, and not just updating, I’ll have to sync up before I can begin.

[ decay ]

(click to enlarge)

rusted ambition

Prosper, TX

Nikon D100