I have trouble asking for things. Even simple things. Even things that I know would be given happily if I'd just ask for them. For instance, right now, in my pocket I have 55 cents. That's 10 cents shy of a Pepsi from the vending machine. I'm sure there are 14 people around me who have a dime that they would be more than happy to part with. But I won't ask for it.
It's no secret, to me anyway, that this has a lot to do with my failure. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't exactly fix the problem. And, like I said before, trying to find the root of that problem simply leads to the discovery of more problems, all without solutions.
I don't have trouble asking my parents for things. I imagine that, since I've lived 25 years of needing, and they've spent 25 years providing, it's almost second nature to ask them for something when I need it. I try not to, and rarely do, really. Not because they'll hold it over my head or anything like that, but because I enjoy being independent. I enjoy making it on my own. I enjoy knowing that I can provide for me and my family without help.
I was tempted to ask for help right after we bought the new truck. Our bank accounts were dangerously low, and I wasn't sure we'd make it until my next paycheck without floating some bills or missing some payments. But I didn't. I held out. We're still dead broke. But we're 3 days away from being paid and in very little danger of running out of money now. It feels good. To tighten down, and ride out the storm, instead of screaming for a life raft to get us to shore. Because, had we asked for a life raft, we'd only have to paddle it back out to sea to get where we were before.
In reality, it's not going to hurt to ask for a dime. It's not going to steer me way off course, or affect me in any great financial matter. Even if I was obligated to repay the dime at 100% interest per day, I could easily repay the person with two dimes tomorrow. But, it's also not going to hurt me to go without.
That's where the problem lies. I have a hard time choosing to ask for something, when I can most likely make it without.
(accept this notation as my expression of additional frustration in regard to not having a separate place for these things, where I could write more freely without concern)
