September 17th, 2004:

Here’s a snippet of an email conversation (edited slightly) that started out innocent, and ended up delightfully dirty:

Her:

I was wanting to buy your wifey a nice bottle of hootch for her bday. Any suggestions on what she likes?

Jim:

Hmmmmm. I’m guessing “hootch” is a reference to either alcohol in general or a specific type of alcohol (based on the context in which it is being used). However, I wasn’t sure so I decided to look it up on Urban Dictionary. These are the results (filtered to get rid of the stupid stuff):

1. A nasty smelly cunt.
2. girl whore that is known to like guzzling cum and other body fluids on a nightly basis.
3. Booze, usually homemade.

So… I guess urbandictionary isn’t what it used to be. Just in case, I’ll respond to all three:

1. I’m not really sure, but I’d guess pierced and either shaved or very trimmed.
2. Again, I’m not too sure, but we usually agree on which women are attractive so… blonde or redhead preferred. Brunette with green or blue eyes also a plus. Small to medium sized breasts. Nice ass. Casual dress. Cheerful personality.
3. She’s not a big alcohol fan, and generally drinks either red wine or those bottled fruity drinks (mike’s hard lemonade, smirnoff ice, etc). However, she did quite enjoy the raspberry margarita she had the other day. All in all, as long as it doesn’t taste a lot like alcohol, she’ll probably like it.

Her:

Yes, that was a reference to alcohol. Since in my dictionary. Hootch = alcohol, Cootch = smelly cunt, and Hootchie = whore. :) Just too many ootches out there.

1. Projecting much?
2. Casual dress??? Cheerful personality? How did that get in the description for a cum guzzler?
3. Ok, so maybe some *edited* and some *edited*. To be indulged in on separate occasions because I am not cleaning it up if she does them both in the same night.

Jim:

1. Well… you know… maybe a little. Actually… only about half. Pierced isn’t really my thing.
2. Well… I figure if she were going to have a cum guzzler… she prefer one dressed casually and of cheerful disposition. As opposed to a cum guzzler dressed like a hootchie, with a nasty cootch, and all the personality of a pissed off bag of rocks.
3. Yeah. That sounds like it might be right up her alley. And, I seriously doubt she’ll let herself get drunk enough to
   need any… cleaning… but… the mean, devilish side of me hopes that she does. :)

This party is going to be great!!

For those of you interested, Jess is now, officially, the beneficiary of a USCIS issued Permanent Resident Immigrant Visa, a.k.a. a Green Card.

The interview wasn’t even close to being as bad as either of us expected. In fact, aside from showing proof of our marriage (a signed marriage license), proof that we are living as a married couple (joint bank accounts, joint medical insurance, joint apartment leases, join property deeds, etc), and proof that Jess will not become a charge to the system (paystubs, tax returns, W2s, etc), we were only asked two questions. The first was “How did you meet?” which I answered with “On the Internet” and was then told that that question was directed toward Jess who then answered “On the Internet”. The second question was “When were you married?” which Jess answered with “On March 29th, 2003″ and was then told that that question was directed towards me to which I responded “March 29th, 2003″. The only other thing we were asked to do was run out and obtain two immigration style photos for Jess. We were given 40 minutes to complete this task and were directed toward a place nearby that did the work for $13. After returning, he made us sign a paper saying that we understood that her Green Card was conditional upon our staying married for two years from this date and that, in two years we needed to apply to have the condition removed. Then he stamped her passport with an Immigrant Visa and we were told we would receive a Green Card in the mail in one to six months.

All in all, it was a piece of cake.

Even though the Green Card holders here at work say that *Jess* should be offering *Me* a treat in exchange for petitioning for her Green Card and offering my own income as collateral that she will not become a charge to the system, I’m taking her out for a celebratory sushi dinner this evening at Yokohama Sushi (just south of the George Bush Turnpike on Preston Road in Plano). If you’d like to attend, let me know.