September, 2004:

Here’s a snippet of an email conversation (edited slightly) that started out innocent, and ended up delightfully dirty:

Her:

I was wanting to buy your wifey a nice bottle of hootch for her bday. Any suggestions on what she likes?

Jim:

Hmmmmm. I’m guessing “hootch” is a reference to either alcohol in general or a specific type of alcohol (based on the context in which it is being used). However, I wasn’t sure so I decided to look it up on Urban Dictionary. These are the results (filtered to get rid of the stupid stuff):

1. A nasty smelly cunt.
2. girl whore that is known to like guzzling cum and other body fluids on a nightly basis.
3. Booze, usually homemade.

So… I guess urbandictionary isn’t what it used to be. Just in case, I’ll respond to all three:

1. I’m not really sure, but I’d guess pierced and either shaved or very trimmed.
2. Again, I’m not too sure, but we usually agree on which women are attractive so… blonde or redhead preferred. Brunette with green or blue eyes also a plus. Small to medium sized breasts. Nice ass. Casual dress. Cheerful personality.
3. She’s not a big alcohol fan, and generally drinks either red wine or those bottled fruity drinks (mike’s hard lemonade, smirnoff ice, etc). However, she did quite enjoy the raspberry margarita she had the other day. All in all, as long as it doesn’t taste a lot like alcohol, she’ll probably like it.

Her:

Yes, that was a reference to alcohol. Since in my dictionary. Hootch = alcohol, Cootch = smelly cunt, and Hootchie = whore. :) Just too many ootches out there.

1. Projecting much?
2. Casual dress??? Cheerful personality? How did that get in the description for a cum guzzler?
3. Ok, so maybe some *edited* and some *edited*. To be indulged in on separate occasions because I am not cleaning it up if she does them both in the same night.

Jim:

1. Well… you know… maybe a little. Actually… only about half. Pierced isn’t really my thing.
2. Well… I figure if she were going to have a cum guzzler… she prefer one dressed casually and of cheerful disposition. As opposed to a cum guzzler dressed like a hootchie, with a nasty cootch, and all the personality of a pissed off bag of rocks.
3. Yeah. That sounds like it might be right up her alley. And, I seriously doubt she’ll let herself get drunk enough to
   need any… cleaning… but… the mean, devilish side of me hopes that she does. :)

This party is going to be great!!

For those of you interested, Jess is now, officially, the beneficiary of a USCIS issued Permanent Resident Immigrant Visa, a.k.a. a Green Card.

The interview wasn’t even close to being as bad as either of us expected. In fact, aside from showing proof of our marriage (a signed marriage license), proof that we are living as a married couple (joint bank accounts, joint medical insurance, joint apartment leases, join property deeds, etc), and proof that Jess will not become a charge to the system (paystubs, tax returns, W2s, etc), we were only asked two questions. The first was “How did you meet?” which I answered with “On the Internet” and was then told that that question was directed toward Jess who then answered “On the Internet”. The second question was “When were you married?” which Jess answered with “On March 29th, 2003″ and was then told that that question was directed towards me to which I responded “March 29th, 2003″. The only other thing we were asked to do was run out and obtain two immigration style photos for Jess. We were given 40 minutes to complete this task and were directed toward a place nearby that did the work for $13. After returning, he made us sign a paper saying that we understood that her Green Card was conditional upon our staying married for two years from this date and that, in two years we needed to apply to have the condition removed. Then he stamped her passport with an Immigrant Visa and we were told we would receive a Green Card in the mail in one to six months.

All in all, it was a piece of cake.

Even though the Green Card holders here at work say that *Jess* should be offering *Me* a treat in exchange for petitioning for her Green Card and offering my own income as collateral that she will not become a charge to the system, I’m taking her out for a celebratory sushi dinner this evening at Yokohama Sushi (just south of the George Bush Turnpike on Preston Road in Plano). If you’d like to attend, let me know.

So, we’re all moved in. I wish I could say it went off without a hitch, but that isn’t the case.

First, I’d like to thank my Mom, my Dad, my brother, Jason, and Mike and Lisa for helping out on move day. Jess and I both really appreciate it.

U-Haul told me I could pick up the truck at 7am. That was a lie. There are no U-Hauls in DFW that open before 9am. So, despite everyone being at the apartment and ready to go by 7:30am, the truck wasn’t there until 9:30am. The truck was a piece of crap. Broken in every way possible. The A/C didn’t even work, they knew this, and didn’t care.

After watching Brad and Morgan fit all their stuff into a 17′ truck, I figured it would be MORE than enough for us. I was wrong. So, we had to make two trips. That wasn’t so great, since I am paying by the mile.

On the second trip to the apartment, my mom and Jess stayed at the house to unpack. The second we pulled into the apartment complex parking lot my dad said, “I hope you have your keys”. Nope. I didn’t. The apartment office wasn’t going to be open for another hour or so, and I didn’t want to drive back to the house in the U-Haul to get keys, so I called Jess and asked her to bring them. Jason looked at our back door and said, “I can pick that lock”. My dad and I tried to explain to him that not only was there a keyed dead-bolt, but there was also an “inside-only” dead-bolt and the lock in the handle to contend with. Regardless, he was determined that he could do it with a flat head screw driver. So, we got him one. Within 30 seconds he had the door open without ruining the locks or the door frame one bit. I was felt, grateful, scared, and unsafe all at the same time.

All together, the truck cost just under $100, which wasn’t bad. Finding diesel fuel to fill it back up before returning it proved to be a bit difficult but, after 5 gas stations, Mike and I finally found one.

So, now I’m sitting at home, in a still very packed house. But, my computer works, the TV works, the kitchen is livable, so all the basic day-to-day requirements are met.

If things go as planned, we’ll have almost everything unpacked by Saturday. At least, that’s what I’m aiming for. If you’re bored any day this week, and want to come help, supervise, or crack the whip to make sure we keep working, please do. We’d love to have guests.

We’re going to celebrate Jess’ 21st birthday on September 18th. Not tomorrow, but the Saturday after that. We’ll most likely go somewhere, for a few drinks, and then head back to someone’s house/apartment for the rest of the evening. Perhaps our new house, maybe somewhere else. That hasn’t been decided yet. If you’re interested in attending send me an email, call me on the phone, or find me in IM. Do not comment here.

Because I know Jess would want it this way, all women will be required to be topless for 75% of their time at the party. If you have special needs or concerns, please let me know.

The big move is this Sunday. I pick up the truck at 7:00am, and we’re going to get started around 8:00am or so. If you’ve got nothing better to do on Sunday and would like to lend a hand, let me know. Mike and Lisa are probably coming to lend a hand, as is a good chunk of my family. But still, a few more sets of hands certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Somehow, one of the wires that connects our doorbell wiring to the transformer in the attic got cut cleanly. So, I decided to fix it. Of course, I’m a whiny wus when it comes to electricity, so I was a bit scared to do so. After calling my Dad 100 million times to be sure I wasn’t going to die, I finally decided to try. It went pretty well. I managed to create a spark, once, which almost sent me falling out of the attic, not because I was hurt in anyway, but because I was afraid that I would be.

Our refrigerator came yesterday. Again, thanks to “Joel”:http://livejournal.com/users/rockbugg/ for hooking us up with a good deal. The guys who delivered it were real jerks, but, in the end, everything worked out and it should be ready to store food by now.

Our new furniture came yesterday, as well. We ended up getting another couch and a new dining room table. We’re going to put the old dining room table (the one I made) into the Garden Room and we’re going to put the futon that is in our Living Room currently, into the Game Room. My quick evaluation of the condition of the furniture had me pleased. However, after the delivery guys left I realized a few problems. The couch has a tiny hole in the fabric on the back, and one of the chairs has some very sticky, very stuck on, tape residue… even though I never saw any tape on the chair and can’t think of a reason to tape the chair. A very nice gentleman at Freed’s customer service is scheduling a technician to come out and repair the problems and/or replace the furniture entirely. I’m sick of taking days off work to sit at home and wait for people, so I’ve scheduled it for the next available Saturday, which is the 18th of this month. It’s no big deal, as neither problem makes the furniture inoperable or dangerous, I just want it repaired.

Our blinds came on Tuesday. I installed them all myself in about 2 hours. They look fantastic. I mismeasured one window — the one in the master bathroom — by about 1/4″. So it rubs just a little on the way down. It’s no big deal, for now, but I’ll see if there’s any way to modify it, either myself, or for a small fee. I have yet to put the hold backs on to the shades on the doors. But that’s because my attempts to do so failed miserably. I think I need a different kind of screw that will hold well in a metal door. The ones that came with the shades just want to pull out.

I mowed, weed-eated, and edged my lawn for the first time yesterday. It was quite a pain in the butt. I haven’t mowed a lawn in so long, I didn’t even remember how high to set the mower. Well, I guess I set it a little too low. No big deal, I’ll just raise it up a bit for the next time. One thing is for sure, I’m going to have to put my fear of flying bugs on hold every Saturday morning, or I’ll never get the lawn mowed.

Tuesday night, Jess and I saw STOMP with Lisa and Mike at the Bass Performance Hall. Mike and I had seen it before. It was a decent show, but not nearly as good as last time. This time, our tickets were $60 each and, even then, we sat pretty high, and pretty far back. Last time, our tickets were so cheap that I can’t even remember paying for them, and we were up in front, very close. The cast also seemed to be more “on” last time. Regardless, it was a lot of fun.

Seeing it, or even thinking about it, always makes me realize how much I enjoy all things related to percussion. And, displays like STOMP mix both the theatre arts and percussion into one big event. In an alternate reality, I’d spend my life, and bring home a paycheck doing something like this.

I’d like to publically thank “Mike”:http://livejournal.com/users/mw/ for spending last Saturday busting holes in our walls. With his help, I have all the wiring I want in all the places that I want it. Of course, since we busted holes in the walls, they now have to be patched up. Jess and I have plastered them back together and sanded them silky smooth and flat. However, I’m having a hard time texturing them just right. I’ve read different ways of doing it in several different forums, but, the general rule of thumb seems to be “it’s nearly impossible to make them match”. So, we’ve got a call in to the builder to see if he can send a guy over to retexture for us. I’m not sure what it’ll cost, but it shouldn’t be too much.