First of all, to the intruder who invaded my home last night, somehow bypassing our security system, to molest me in the middle of the night I have only one question: did I enjoy myself? I sure hope so, because my left testicle feels as though I got kicked in the balls by a soccer player.
To the lady that I spent at least 15 minutes in traffic with you riding my ass convinced that your behavior would somehow cause all the cars in front of me to concurrently accelerate therefore allowing me, and subsequently, you, to drive faster: As much as I would have enjoyed driving faster, I apologize that I couldn't meet your subtle request. I did attempt to use my super traffic arrangement powers, but apparently, the solar flares are causing a disturbance in my ability to harness the energy of the traffic.
Also, to the lady in the yellow mustang who decided the best way to flirt with me would be to cut me off while approaching an intersection and then stop at a *green* light with plenty of room for both of us on the other side and wait for it to turn yellow, and almost red, before flooring it to get across and leave me stuck on the other side: I have a suggestion… next time just flash me your boobs. I'm much more likely to appreciate you that way. It sure was nice, however, to see you 30 minutes later a mere 4 cars ahead of me in traffic. And there I was thinking I'd never see you again.
And finally, to the asshole who ran the red light at intersection of 121 North and I-35E South: After *my* light turned green, I waited at least two seconds before advancing, as confirmed by the vulgar digit I received from the gentlemen in the car behind me in appreciation, because I know that people travelling North on 121 only do so in emergency situations and therefore should have the right-of-way yielded to them at all times. I would have waited longer had I been able to see you coming, but the 18-wheeler to my left prevented that. I do appreciate your perseverance in besting the red light that shined daringly in your eyes, however. I also appreciate the coffee that spilled from my cup and into my lap after I decided it was safe to proceed and began to accelerate only to push my brake pedal through the floor when I noticed you rushing by in front of me in excess of 30MPH. I admire your complete lack of responsibility, your depreciated self-worth and the value you place on the lives of those around you. You are truly an inspiration.
*Ugh*.
At least it only took me two and a half hours to get to work this morning — a *new record*. And I never did see an accident. Whatever.
