June 9th, 2005:

Jess and I are probably going camping this Saturday afternoon through Sunday. Either at lake Ray Roberts, or at Joe Pool lake. Or, if we get really ambitious, Lake Texoma. Would any of you be interested in going? If there are enough people, I’m considering renting a boat for one of the days. So. Yeah. Let me know.

So, I’m heading out in about 15 minutes for another photo lunch. Today’s goals are

# Don’t worry about the subject, just look at the shapes it makes.
# Get closer.

Last week I tried to go to the Gaylord Texan Resort. As I was told (a few days later), I was unable to find free parking. The cheapest I could find was $7. The closest thing that I could park at for free (and even that was questionable) was the one of the Grapevine lake Boat Ramps about a mile away. One day when Jess is going to the mall or something, I’ll have her drop me off there. It just wasn’t worth $7. So, I went to downtown Grapevine instead and got a few shots.

I’m not sure where I’m heading today. Maybe the Las Colinas Canals, or the Irving Ghetto, or maybe a little park just down on Northgate. I just need some place where I can park and walk. I find I get about 10 times more shots if I am walking. It’s just too hard to pull over every time you see something you might want to shoot.

under the shade of a tree

(click to enlarge)

Not my best works, but both are educational, which has it’s own value. In this case, I’m reminded that subject matter is not the only thing that makes a photograph. I think it was Garry Winogrand that said, “If a dramatic subject were the guarantee of a dramatic photograph, every picture of a close play at home plate would be a masterpiece.” In “under the shade of a tree”, the lighting would make or break this shot. And in “about to cross the road”, composition played the most important role. In both cases, the subject matter was nothing at all extraordinary.

about to cross the road

(click to enlarge)

I was exhausted yesterday. I’m pretty sure it was from some of the new medicine the doctor gave me on Tuesday. So, today, I’m not taking any of it, just to see if it makes a difference. I do feel better this morning, however, so maybe the stuff actually works and if I can get used to the sleepiness it’ll bring some relief. Maybe.

I have another appointment next Thursday for some more tests.

I like this new doctor a lot. Even better is that his wife has Meniere’s and, while hers isn’t as disruptive as mine, it’s good to know that he understands this a lot better than most people would.

Thanks to those of you that sent your words of concern and encouragement. They meant a lot to me.

I’m hell-bent on getting out of this 8to5 mess that I’ve gotten myself in. All the fun is gone. All of the accomplishment is lost. I am merely a cog in a giant, inefficient machine. I’ve got lots of plans. Lots of ways out. Lots of things I enjoy more than this. Lots of things I’m good at. But, it’s in my nature to be cautious, especially now that I’ve got a wife, two car payments, and a house payment. I can’t afford to just drop everything and try something new. I *have* to be cautious. But, cautious doesn’t help get me where I want to be any faster.

Finally, after all of this hunting, I feel like I have found a cautious way out of this — and then Jess objects to spending the money required. I guess she’s mostly right: I don’t think we’ll feel the expense right away but, if we don’t see some return soon, we certainly will. But I feel like I am good enough and smart enough and determined enough to make it work — especially with her help. And, this route is very cautious. Even if we fail miserably… sure, there will be wasted money, and our belts will have to tighten for the next year or so, but, we don’t go deeper in debt, and I don’t have to run away from my current job to do it. I’d say that’s a fairly good compromise.

That’s okay, though. I’ve found another, much slower way that involves a lot more work and a lot more time to get where I want to be. But, the up side is that it doesn’t cost anything but time. Jess doesn’t really connect time and money. She doesn’t feel that paying out some money to have the potential to make more of it is better than spending lots of time to have the potential to make a little of it which will eventually lead to the potential to make more. So instead of paying, say $100/wk and getting $200/hr for work that I find, I work 5-10 hours a week to, maybe, bring in $100 — at least at first. To make matters worse, in my eyes, I put a *very high value* on the 60 or so free hours I have each week outside of work and I’d drop $100 on a meal for two without flinching. So, for me, the priorities are all wrong.

Despite my resistance, there is some good in what Jess says. It’s good to get back to the basics. It’s good to sacrifice. It’s good to take the harder road, sometimes. In the end, I’ll learn more, grow more, and will be more stable when it actually takes off. It just takes so damn long and seems to futile at times.