Over the years I've heard my fair share of complaints from men about their stay-at-home-moms and the expectations they have from them. I've also, equally, heard complaints from stay-at-home-moms in regard to the willingness of their men to help out around the house.
I think that taking care of a child all day long can be a bit more work than someone who hasn't done it can imagine. As much as you may want to come home, kick off your shoes, have a beer and relax, you may find that she's hoping for the same thing to happen for HER when you get home. If you're playing an active role in the care of the child and the happiness of your partner, then this is something you should certainly consider. On the same token, however, is the fact that you also deserve a chance to wind down, relax, and get the day's stresses off of your shoulders.
I know of stay-at-home-moms who manage to handle a child (or two), grocery shopping, cleaning, the bills, errands, and still serve dinner when their man gets home with a smile on her face and, every now and then, a little somethin' somethin' in the bedroom later on. However, I also know of stay-at-home-moms who work hard all day just to keep the child from killing itself, and the chores often don't get done until he gets home to either help clean, help watch the child, or both.
The truth of the matter is, most any man or woman can handle caring for a child and maintaining a household without outside assistance. Single mothers and fathers do it every day all the time with, in many cases, great success. It's not the best situation, and the stress levels can rapidly approach a tipping point, but, humans are quite capable when then need to be.
Every person is different. Different people will be comfortable with (notice I didn't say "capable of") handling different amounts of work and stress. I, for instance, work very well under stress, but have a hard time dealing with menial tasks. Thankfully, Jess is the opposite in many ways, so, we work well together.
Part of the point of being in a loving, caring relationship is not to load as much work on one half as possible so that the other can live in the lap of luxury. It's about sharing the load. I feel that the ability for a relationship to "just work" is dependent on the amount of concern each member of that relationship has for the other's happiness. However, I also feel that that concern must be mostly equal or the relationship will be off balance.
It is quite likely that, some day, my wife will be a stay-at-home-mom. I know that, just as she did as a stay-at-home-wife, she will do her best to put as much effort into our household as I do. Sure, she'll slack off some days. But, that's no different than my slack-off days at my job. There are some days that she wont feel like getting out of bed, but she will anyway because she knows it needs to be done. I have days like that too. There are some days when she'll surprise me with a clean house and dinner on the table. There are some days when I'll surprise her with a pre-arranged sitter and a night alone at the movies. There are days when she'll want to be alone. There are days when she'll want my company regardless of whether or not I want to be alone.
What makes the relationship successful isn't who does what and who gets what time when. What makes it happen is that we both consider each other's happiness to be of the utmost importance. That seemingly small things keeps us in check with one another and with ourselves. It keeps me from planning a night out for coffee alone, without checking to make sure that she doesn't need some company or some help this evening. And it keeps her from being selfish and saying she needs me home when, really, she can handle it on her own.
Along with this desire to make one another happy comes an understanding that, sometimes, we will be misunderstood, grumpy, disgruntled, selfish, cranky, or moody. We know that, during the times when the other is feeling this way, we have to fill in a bit, lift them up, and reassure them of our love and support and appreciation.
We also know that communication is always open. If she doesn't feel I'm helping out around the house, she can say so without fear that I'll be upset. We can talk out why she feels that way. Maybe I was preoccupied with something she didn't know about. Maybe I have been slacking and need to get my butt in gear. Maybe she's just being utterly unreasonable. Maybe I think she's spending too much money, or that she's going out too often. Maybe I think she's not going out enough. Whatever the case is, we know we can talk about it with one another openly and honestly, because we both know deep in our hearts that, regardless of how the words may sound, our intent is not to upset one another, but only to make each other happy, and to clear up any misunderstanding so that we can go back to making each other happy.
Of course, not every one is capable of this level of understanding, honesty, and the mutual desire for each other's happiness. If that's the case for you, then I don't know that I can offer much in the way of a guideline to fairness. However, I can say that, unless your job is waaaaay up there in levels of stress and workloads (think, President of a Small Nation, Brain Surgeon, etc), then chances are if you work your day job and she does everything else, that's probably not too fair unless, maybe, you're also paying for daily child care and a maid twice a month.
If you have any doubt, let me know and I'll arrange for you to watch my brother's two children for a weekend. I'm sure they'd enjoy a nice little vacation.
