My recent near mental breakdown is receding now, thankfully. More than anything, writing out what was going on in my head helped me to understand myself. It also brought Jess closer to understanding where I was at and how she could help. As much as I don't like accepting help from other people, I don't think I would have made it without her hand to hold. So many other people came, seemingly, out of nowhere, to offer a kind ear or a helping hand, and I'm very appreciative of that.
Which brings me to now. I'm a mumbling mess. There isn't a single clear thought in my head. Objectively I can see this. Yet somehow my heart thinks it knows exactly what it needs and, at times, convinces my mind of these things and together they devise terrible plans. I've been missing things I shouldn't miss, wanting people I shouldn't want, and wishing for places and things that will only act as a band-aid. This leaves me confused, wanting, and restless.
Even the "finches":http://revjim.net/2006/03/25/feeding-finch/ chirping "outside my window":http://revjim.net/2006/03/21/the-birds-outside-my-window/ don't bring the smile to my face that they usually do. I'm bombarded with this overwhelming desire to create and experience yet, lately, my outlets for those things feel clogged. I've even tried to create new outlets like our recent adventures in home remodelling but it has only resulted in becoming a new thing that consumes time needs to be done.
Despite what I should be doing, I think I need to take some time for myself this morning. I'm going to relax for a bit. Then I'll get ready to go and head outside for a walk with my camera. Maybe being alone and without a vehicle to provide escape will help me clear my head and find my outlet again.
