Despite what the "God FAQ":http://www.400monkeys.com/God/ would have you believe, GOD EXISTS! While there is much evidence to support this claim, the single most recent, compelling, and disgusting piece was brought to my immediate attention late last Sunday night just as my beautiful wife and I wrapped up a day spent with my parents reflooring my photography studio.
Unless you slept through all of high school Physics and Chemistry you've heard the Law of Conservation of Matter that states that mass can not be created nor destroyed. This isn't some half-baked scientific theory, no! This is a fundamental, proven, repeatable, and regularly observed scientific *law*. So, when you see an act of nature that contradicts this very law, you know you are witnessing nothing short of the hand of God. With all of you as my witness, I'm here to proclaim that *god exists* and I've got three times my weight in snot to prove it.
It is apparent to me now that our house was built by a handful of Satan's minions with no regard for mankind, sanitation, straight lines, or right angles. With reckless abandon walls were raised and carpet was laid on top of broken glass, rusty razors, headless nails, floorboard gaps, dust of unknown origin, crooked support beams, and unmentionable biological deposits. If you have even the slightest thought in your mind that your house is even partially clean I double-dog dare you to just peek under your carpet. Satan knows what he's doing and he hides it well.
With God watching over us and an arsenal of power tools at our side we un-carpeted and re-floored my studio unknowingly unearthing the deposits left by Satan's handy men in the process. Now free, yet exposed, these deposits hastily fled for shelter embedding themselves into the lining of my nostrils. As a natural reaction, my nose began to produce additional mucus to force out these foreign bodies, but these were super Satan-charged particles and my poor earthly mucus was unable to do the job. If not for the hand of God I would surely now be overtaken by their power. But god's power is an awesome one.
My nose did run for two days straight and during this time my body did excrete over three times it's own weight in snot. Now I ask you, brothers and sisters, is it possible for a mortal body to create mass? The Law of Conservation of Matter tells it is not. But this was not the doing of a mortal body. God's righteous right hand itself did create this snot and place it within my body to force out Satan's particles.
Naysayers be damned, I have saved the snot that has come from my nose and placed it in over 40 mason jars as proof of God's awesome power. These jars will be on exhibit in my home for the next 15 days and can be seen for a $10 admission the proceeds of which will go to funding more of God's work. After this time the jars and their contents will be sold on eBay.
