revjim.net

*1. Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?*
I'm assuming this means real-life, live-action, honest-to-goodness, "insert Tab-A into Slot-B" sex with a member of a genetically similar species… in which case, no.

*2. Are you gay?*
To quote my favorite, random, uninvited guest to our campsite this past weekend in New Braunfels "I'm not gay, okay. Two in the pink one in the stink."

*3. Do you have hairy legs?*
When I wear my Tarantula Costume, yes. Otherwise, I'd say they are only moderately hairy. Compared to a Tarantulas legs they aren't very hairy at all.

*4. Do you smoke anything?*
Not any more, but kept tempting me and I'll smoke your ass, bitch.

*5. Do you like monkeys?*
Yes. All the poo flinging reminds me of my childhood. It brings a tear to my eye. *sniffle*

*6. How many fillings do you have?*
I have a bunch but I generally I go with one at a time. Chocolate is my favorite but I like raspberry too. If I'm feeling crazy I'll mix the two.

*7. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?*
Why is it always "the" ocean? There are 7 of them you know, idiot. But, given the option of any ocean or any lake, I'll pick an ocean. Specifically the pacific off the coast of Peru because I've always wanted to go to Peru. But if there's a lake in Peru (and I imagine there is) then that'd be okay too as long as it isn't one where people bathe a lot cause the bubbles would tickle my nose.

*8. Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?*
I've never seen a square battery. I mean, I'm sure they exist somewhere. I have licked one of those rectangular batteries though. When I was younger my Dad told me I could tell if it was still good that way. Hmmmm. That reminds me. I need to kick my Dad's ass.

*9. Have you ever read the Bible?*
which one?

no seriously… there are a lot of books that are referred to as "the Bible". Even if I assume you mean the "Christian" bible, I still don't know which one.

Jewish? Protestant? Catholic? Anglican? Greek Orthodox? Ethiopic? Even if I assume you mean the "Protestant Bible", which translation are you referring to?

The Analytical-Literal? American Standard? Latter Day Saints edition complete with the Book of Mormon? International Standard? King James Version? New International Version?

Let's just wrap this up simply. Yes, I have read one of the bibles in one of its translations in its entirety.

*10. Did you ever go to Sunday School?*
Not only did I go, I taught. Scary thought, huh?

*11. Do you wear a lot of black?*
I like to think that I'm black inside.

*12. Did you ever bring a weapon to high school?*
My fists are considered a deadly weapon as is my rapier wit.

*13. Have you ever hugged a tree?*
Only when I see one crying.

*14. Do you know what a sphincter actually is?*
Yeah. It's what tapers your doodie so your butt doesn't slam shut when you're done.

*15. Describe your hair?*
A brown colored filamentous outgrowth of the epidermis consisting of threadlike structures.

*16. Are you a wildebeast?*
First of all it's spelled wildebeest. And since I'm just about the worlds worst speller and yet still recognized this error you should probably consider using your spell checker more often.

Since wildebeest have hooves (and not hands like us humans) and are also incapable of speaking in a language comprehensible by any human or device capable of inputting data into a computer, the fact that I'm even able to answer this survey should serve to answer this question. However, for the sake of humoring this survey and the implications intended to be suggested by the term "wildebeast"…

Yes… yes I am. Wanna screw?

*17. Do you like to have fun?*
Is that a euphemism for something… like asking "do you party"? Does it mean "do you like to have dirty sex in the back of a broken down volkswagen bus on the side of a chigger infested river bank?" If so… then… HELL YES! Who doesn't?

*18. Do you like drama?*
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man, boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.

*19. Have you ever taken a bong hit?*
Yeah, man. I was like, so wasted. And I closed my eyes. And all of a sudden you're in the air and it's twenty-five feet straight down. And your balls man. Your balls are about this big. And the whole thing's moving, right, roaring like you're stuck to the front of a freight train. There ain't nothin' like it, man. The ultimate rush. Forget about sex, it doesn't even come close.

*20. Do you like mayonnaise?*
That's probably my most favorite Smashing Pumpkins song of all time.

*21. Are you afraid to die?*
When death is close I am. Like now as the icy grip of boredom clenches around my neck…. *aaaah*. I miss my mom.

*22. Do you like playing in leaves?*
Yes, but, heed the mantra. Leaves of three, let them be. Leaves of four, play some more.

*23. Do you like lyme tics?*
Pssha. That's like soooo 2004!

*24. Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?*
No? Even if I had, I doubt I'd admit to it.

*26. Are you an adult?*
The general definition of adult is "a fully grown, mature organism", in which case, I would answer "no" on both counts.

*27. Do you think you have a good handle on spelling?*
To me, spelling always needed a better handle. The one it has now gets very cold in the winter and is quite difficult to hold for long periods of time.

*28. Ever won a spelling bee?*
I have never even entered a spelling be which makes me a true winner.

*29. Do you ever eat because your depressed?*
It depends on how depressed I am. If I'm really depressed I jump of off bridges or throw myself in front of cars. If I'm only mildly depressed then sometimes a hot night with a hot chick can really turn things around.

*30. Are you a television addict?*
I prefer heroine. I had a really hard time cutting up the television.

*31. Do you think O.J. is guilty?*
Guilty of occupying a slot on way too many internet quizzes, yes. How old is this quiz anyway?

*32. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?*
Yes. And I have the tattoo to prove it.

*33. Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?*
hot tub of what? butter? no… but damn does that sound like fun.

*34. On a swing?*
Yeah. I sometimes have these terrible mood swings that lead to me screwing random women, one time 12 in one episode. I feel one coming on soon. Wanna come over?

*35. Do you like Elvis?*
I never really knew him. He died before I had a chance. That saddens me.

*36. Do you enjoy watching animals "do it" on the Discovery channel?*
I don't think I've ever actually seen animals "do it" on the Discovery channel. I did in Science class though. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, though. Hiding my erection all day long was HELL.

*37. Ever been hit on at the zoo?*
For some reason, zookeepers really have a thing for my trouser snake.

*38. Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?*
Can you really consider anyone you've had sex with a total stranger? I mean… you've seen them naked. You probably can't say that you've experienced that with even the majority of your friends.

*39. Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkey?*
I've never been to Turkey, but the brochure I read didn't seem to mention it's calming effects. I guess I'll have to read up on that.

*40. I deleted this for a reason. what's the reason?*
Well if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you.

*41. Are you a sugar freak?*
Yeah, baby. Give me some sugar. I am your neighbor. Now shake it.

*42. When you hear a knock on the door, do you think "oh no! It's the cops!"?*
If someone knocked on my door, I probably wouldn't hear it. I suggest you ring the doorbell, instead.

*43. Ever been arrested?*
Once.

*44. Ever commit a crime and gotten away with it, like O.J, did?*
O.J. again?! WTF! Yes. On a regular basis. Today in fact. More than once.

*45. Actually, do you like orange juice?*
Sure. Shaken not stirred, with a splash of vodka.

*46. What sign are you?*
Cancer. Can we screw now?

*47. Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?*
That's just madness. I'll show you though, if you're willing to pay the price.

*48. Where do you wish you were right now?*
At a Starbucks with a nice clean bathroom.

*49. Did you enjoy this?*
Not really.