September 19th, 2006:

I was wandering alone at the mall — a very rare occurrence for me — looking for a pair of sunglasses. After finding a reasonably priced Kiosk, I stopped to browse and made a startling realization: I’m OLD.

Aside from what seemed to be obvious exceptions (though now I’m not so sure), I was unable to tell the men’s glasses from the women’s. Too shy to ask the attendant for help, I called Jess.

After she finished laughing, she ran through a list of brand names that only make men’s glasses so that as long as I stuck to those brands I’d be okay. This seemed like it would be a big help until I realized, I don’t even know what looks good these days. She told me to just pick out what I liked and that she was sure it would be just fine. I’m glad she had faith in me, because I sure didn’t.

I returned to the kiosk with me new found knowledge and began browsing like I knew what I was doing. I found a pair that resembled a certain style of glasses that I remembered my dad wearing when I was younger. I knew the 60s and 70s were sort of back in style and I really liked the look of these glasses, so that was that.

Only it wasn’t. I didn’t trust myself. Again I telephoned Jess.

“I found some glasses.”

“Good!”

“I’m not sure if they look good”, I add apprehensively.

“I’m sure they’re fine.”

“Have you ever seen Easy Rider? You know, with Peter Fonda?”

“No. But I can look it up…. THOSE LOOK GOOD!”

Okay then. I guess I’ll buy them.

They do look good, I guess.

I was at the eye doctor filling out the paper work when I ran across the part where they mention the two optional tests: one that blows air in your eyes, the other that dilates your eyes. I realized that I always check the “nah, never mind, I don’t need it” box and I thought to myself, “maybe I should get this done every once in while. I am getting older.” So, for $25 more, I checked the “Yes please” box instead.

Having a puff of air blown into your eyes when you don’t expect it is startling. But aside from a quick flash of discomfort, it was basically a non-event.

Then, after seeing the doctor and determining my prescription, drops were placed in my eyes to dilate them and I was told that I’d have to wait 5 to 10 minutes for the chemicals to leave my eyes before I could put contacts in. I went into the waiting room and read my book (“Girlfriend in a Coma” by Douglas Coupland… VERY GOOD) while I waited. One of the assistants called me back to put in my contacts. I did so and that’s when things started going down hill.

I wasn’t sure if my contact prescription was wrong or if the lenses were just dirty, but I couldn’t see *anything* up close. I mentioned this and the girl seemed uninterested and set me back to wait for the doctor. Unable to read my book, I just looked at the ceiling in bewilderment.

The doctor shined some lights in my eyes, told me to look here and there and then decided that everything looked great. I immediately raised an objection informing the dear doctor that “um… sir… *I can’t read!*”

He laughed.

*HE LAUGHED!* Then he said, “It’s a small taste of what it’s like to be a 60 year old man”. Was this guy crazy? What would he do to me next? How was I going to get out of there without being able to see? I was starting to panic. I think he realized this because he started explaining.

Apparently, in order to dilate the eyes, eye drops are administered that cause the eye muscles to relax. This causes the pupil to dilate and has the interesting side effect of keeping the eye from being able to focus closely. It would wear off soon enough and my vision would return to normal.

“How soon?”

“About three hours.”

…blink…

“Your eyes will be very sensitive to light as well.”

I look up directly into the lights over head and instantly my eyes start watering. Great!

I say thank you and return to the front desk to pay for the services. I ask the lady where to sign my name, scribble something, and head next door to buy glasses. I ask the lady there what to write in each of the boxes and hope that my handwriting is legible. 30 minutes later I was good to go.

My initial thought was to just go home and pick up the glasses the next day, but, it was only going to take 2 hours, so I decide to get some coffee instead. Coffee about two blocks down the road. Two blocks under a bright afternoon sun without a cloud in the sky. I’m not quite sure how I made it without dying, but I did. I took my contacts out in the hopes that I might be able to read. It was a struggle, but I managed for the next 2 hours.

I went the two blocks back to the eye glasses place. Everything was bright white with the exception of a small splotches of black here and there which I decided were the edges of the street. Somehow, once again, I made it without running over anything that anyone would be upset about losing.

After picking up my glasses I realized there was *no way* I’d make the 30 minute drive home with the setting sun in my face without scooping out my eyes with a spoon.

So, I bought a new pair of sunglasses.

I really should start writing these at night before I go to bed. By the time I get up, get dressed, get to work, start my morning, and put out any fires at the office, I’ve already forgotten half of what happened the day before.

What I remember of the first half of yesterday was mostly normal: a conference call, a bunch of emails, some reports, some hand holding and ego boosting to keep everyone happy, a complaint to the boss of other people not doing their job. Typical.

*Her*: “Janet Reno”:http://www.ada.ufl.edu/ADAcd/cdpages/images/agreno.jpg

*me*: oh my god. she really is quite hideous. manish even.

*Her*: Isn’t she? Quite the antithesis of sexy.

*me*: Yes, in fact, most of the men I know make better looking women than she does. Even *WITH* facial hair.

– a conversation between liz and I

For reasons undisclosed (yes… I’m looking at YOU!), I decided that yesterday afternoon would be as good as any other for getting my eyes examined. My glasses were over 5 years old and my contact prescription ran out a few weeks ago. So, I made a 3:15pm appointment and headed out.

I didn’t get home until around 7:30pm. Jess and I had a quick dinner. Then I uploaded all of the photographs being sent to the lab for this week. I had intended on doing some photo-editing as well, but I just couldn’t concentrate on anything that close to my face. So, Jess and I watched some TV, I played some guitar, and then we headed to bed.