revjim.net

November, 2006:

rebirth

I broke down. I collapsed. I gave up.

You thought I was so strong. You thought I was so capable. And maybe I am strong. Maybe I am capable. But it was still just too much. So I gave up. No tears. No regrets. No second thoughts. I just laid down and gave up. I realized this: I do not have to move; I do not have to do; I do not have to compromise; I do not have to live. It was clear — very clear — like mountain top air. I enjoyed clarity and I accepted it.

However, when the newness of freedom started to fade the truth began to settle in. In this clarity there was no pain, heartache, trouble, dissatisfaction, anger, oppression, worry, or mistakes, those very things that plagued my every day. But there was also no love, no friendship, no secrets, no smiles, no hugs, no kisses, no gifts, no accomplishments, no bonds, and no hope. It was clear. It was peace. But it was also empty.

In nothing, there is nothing. No sadness and no happiness. No anger and no laughter. No pain and no pleasure. No enemies and no friends. Just nothing. It seemed like a trade worth considering until I realized that I couldn’t take *her* with me either. From the next room, her sobs brought me back to reality.

Even though, at times, it feels like too much to bear, all of the terrible things this world can unleash upon me are well worth the love and happiness that she brings me every day of her life. And, though they are few and far between, the other little things life presents from time to time make it even better.

And so here I am. Again. Taking on the world. Thankfully, I’ve got a secret weapon, and she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

this way to photos

In the past when I’ve polled my readers to find out what aspects of my site they are most interested in, “seeing new photographs” almost always ranks as #1. So I was quite surprised when I realized that it’s been two weeks since I “announced the opening”:http://revjim.net/2006/11/14/website-house-keeping/ of my photoblog, “Arranging Light”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/, and I’ve only had 10 subscribers total (LiveJournal and RSS Aggregator combined”).

So, this post will serve as your second and final reminder.

First, if you’re unfamiliar with my work, browse through the “growing collection of images”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/ published in my PhotoBlog. Then, if you’re an RSS Junkie and know your way around a feed reader, subscribe to “Arranging Light’s RSS Feed”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/feed/. If you’d prefer to pick up new photographs on your LiveJournal Friends list, then add “LiveJournal User: ArrangingLight”:http://arranginglight.livejournal.com/ as a friend. Then, “bookmark me at photoblogs.org”:http://www.photoblogs.org/profile/djamesphoto.com/. Finally, go on back and “look around some more”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/.

Color Quiz knows all

I was inspired to, once again, take the “Color Quiz”:http://colorquiz.com/ once. And, once again, it’s “surprisingly accurate”:http://www.colorquiz.com/cgi-bin/results.cgi?do=print_blog&picked1=3,4,5,7,6,2,1,0,4&picked2=5,4,3,7,6,1,2,0,2&sex=Male&blog_name=Daniel. Just like last time, I find the it is most meaningful if I go over it and discuss each point in greater detail.

Daniel’s Existing Situation

Active, outgoing, and restless. Feels frustrated by the slowness with which events develop along the desired lines. This leads to irritability, changeability, and lack of persistence when pursuing a given objective.

I find myself holding some very good plans for getting where I want to be yet nothing seems to be able to happen fast enough for me. Part of it is pure impatience, which, while common now, would have been an unusual trait for me to express regularly two years ago. However, the other part is my inability to get everything else to line up in order to allow me to get there faster. This leads to a lot of irritability.

Daniel’s Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved–that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, he pursues his objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting his nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels he can only be at peace when he has finally reached his goal.

Letting go is one of those things I have always had trouble with. I have an addictive personality and this is just one of the many ways that it manifests itself. I can never get enough and I have trouble letting go.

Daniel’s Restrained Characteristics

Believes that he is not receiving his share–that he is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that he is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave him without any sense of emotional involvement.

Circumstances force him to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.

This is something I’m just coming to realize myself in the past 6 months or so. But it’s true. I do feel like I give so much of myself to everyone and yet, despite that, there are very few relationships that I am a part of that offer similar rewards, understanding, acceptance, or appreciation. Almost all of my close relationships feel very emotionally detached. And that’s not what I want at all.

These feelings make me consider changing myself to better fit what the rest of society seems to provide. I end up adopting new policies for all my relationships as I did last week when I decided to “only give what I’m given”:http://revjim.net/2006/11/21/youre-just-jealous-cause-were-young-and-in-love/.

These days, sexual activity seems to be one of the only things that provides what it promises to provide on a consistent basis. Sexually speaking, however, believe it or not, I’m pretty picky about who I share what with. And, with all the changes I’ve been making in myself, the number of people I’m willing to even hint at a sexuality is even smaller. So even this outlet for expression, release, and the feeling of closeness with others is greatly reduced.

Daniel’s Desired Objective

Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make himself well-liked by his obvious interest and by the very openness of his charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.

I do want interesting and exciting things to happen. I have so many goals and dreams and desires and ideas. And I feel like so many of them sit around getting hard and moldy. While I am generally overly enthusiastic when I’m interested in some thing, some one, or some idea, and do consider myself fairly open with most people, I’ve rarely seen these traits make me “well-liked”. Maybe my poor self-esteem gets in the way? However, I certainly have plenty of fantasies and day-dreams. Some days, it’s almost impossible to get any work done because of them.

Daniel’s Actual Problem

Has a fear that he might be prevented from achieving the things he wants. This leads him to employ great personal charm in his dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for him to reach his objectives.

Really, this is one of my greatest fears. I feel that in accomplishment and achievement there is happiness. I understand that happiness is attainable in other ways, and am grateful to have experienced many forms of happiness in my life from many different sources. But, accomplishment and achievement seem to provide the most happiness, for the longest amount of time, with the most side-effects that themselves generate further happiness. So for me, this is it: creating, building, producing, learning, and accomplishing, the relationships that I create in the process of doing so, and the support that I receive as I progress it what makes me feel the happiest and the most complete.

ColorQuiz.com Daniel took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

“Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. A…”

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Thanksgiving

Ignoring Thanksgiving entirely was impossible. So, instead, I just dodged it as best as I could and accepted what I couldn’t dodge.

Thursday morning, before heading to my mom’s place to spend the day, we went out for a nice hike along the Trinity River. The sun was out and, given the colder than usual temperatures, I knew that many cold blooded creatures would use the opportunity to warm themselves on the rocks and the river banks. The path was covered with the recently fallen tree leaves posing even more of a risk. Knowing these things, I was extra cautious to keep an eye on where we were putting our hands and feet.

rocky path

Taken at Hamilton Pool nature preserve near Austin, TX.

Jess and I stopped near the water’s edge to peer over the banks when I noticed a snake coiled up under the leaves about 6 inches from Jess’ left foot. I tried to mention this calmly to her, but, it resulted in panic and her jumping 2 or 3 feet into the air anyway. Thankfully, the snake didn’t budge. Wondering if it was dead or sleeping, we found a long stick and I poked under the leaves a bit. Suddenly, it woke up and headed quickly for the river. As it fled I got a pretty good glimpse of it: a mature “Western Cottonmouth”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agkistrodon_piscivorus_leucostoma.

Having such a close call with such a dangerous snake, I was pretty much ready to head home for the day. I decided to take the old road back instead of the trail because it would be wider and with less leaves. We only saw one other baby snake before making back to the truck

Being so freaked out by the first encounter I was reluctant to do any more hiking at all until the weather got a bit colder. But I eventually got over my fear and Saturday morning we visited the very beautiful “Cross Timbers Trail” along Lake Texoma. I’ll surely be back there some time soon for some more exploring.

Thursday we spent time at my Mom’s house and finished the night off at IHOP, the only place in town open, with my sister and her fiancee.

Friday was Turducken, lots of drinks, and Karaoke at Justin’s place. Very good times.

Saturday night we went to Cantina Laredo with some friends where I had just about the worst service I’ve ever had in a nice restaurant. So bad, in fact, that I tipped only 10%. Those of you that know how well I usually tip will realize how upset I was. Jess was even so upset that she *stole* an avocado from the bowl in the middle of our table because she felt she deserved it. She was surprisingly sneaky about it too. I didn’t even realize until we were walking back to the truck and she pulled it out of her purse and let out a victory “ha ha!”. After dinner we played poker where Jess proceeded to whoop everyones ass. Her near-death experience must have really given her a new perspective on life.

Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
or dashed to bits on the reef.

– from Play Crack the Sky by Brand New

Sunday was Thanksgiving for us. We spent time with my family, helped make dinner, played cards, ate too much, cleaned up the mess, played more cards, and talked a lot. My mom’s been applying a lot of pressure on me lately to have children and Sunday night was no exception. I keep telling her that I’m ready and that I’m just waiting for my situation to be ready too. Well, this time she pushed it into a full blown conversation. I ended up spilling my guts about a lot of the things that I told myself I should never speak of. In the end, my mom seemed to both understand and at least slightly agree, though it did require a bit of help from my dad and my sister to get her to see the light.

The gist of it all is simply this. I’m ready to have children. However, I will not *plan* to have children without at least making an attempt at planning beyond the few minutes of thought required to knock my wife up. I would to like to at least consider providing me with an opportunity to raise my children too. I want to know that I’m not going to be handed the titles of “bacon bringer” and “punishment issuer” and then that’s that. Otherwise, why have children in the first place? I want to have some sort of agreement in place amongst all of those involved regarding where we should lay down our roots. I was glad to hear my Dad agree that, while Dallas has a lot to offer a new family, given the options we can create for ourselves, Dallas isn’t exactly the best of them. I need some things to be worked out before I will actively work towards making babies. I’ve tried to work these things out on my own and I have failed miserably despite being led to believe that I was doing pretty damn good. So, I’ve decided that I’m waiting until an opportunity falls in my lap, until someone else makes plans for me, or until someone other than me is willing to think about it instead of just saying “I want it”.

Some of you will make some argument about how babies don’t need to be planned. Or about how no time is ever the right time. Or perhaps that we can always move after we have children. Or that moving into the middle of no where with a least a day’s drive from anyone that we actually know is a good idea because it’s at least closer to more of our family. Or that I’ll find time to spend with my kids on weekends. And maybe you’re right about all of those things. And maybe I’m willing to accept some of those things. But not until I can at least talk about them. That seems fair and reasonable to me.

We’ve got a pretty full week ahead of us, and the rest of December is filling up very quickly with the wedding and all. However, I’m making it my own personal mission to make sure I take some time out to make photographs. It’s important that I nurture this or it will crack and fade. I have to remember that. So, those of you that are up for offering your company, encouragement, or patience, let me know.

you’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love

Sometimes, noticing the stem end of a pickle stuffed into a ziplock bag on the floorboard of my truck is enough to make make the day a million times better. Today such a day.

I’ve said this before so, except that it’s entirely different this time, it’s nothing new. I will only give what I’m given. I will ask for what I want when I want it. I will no longer desire that which will never be offered. I will not give of myself to those who would not do the same. I will not extend myself to friends of friends without being met halfway. If I want it, I will take what is offered to me. I will rely on those who claim to be reliable. I will take myself away from those who prove not to be. I will no longer accept the blame for the transgressions of others. I will not hurt myself in an attempt to uplift someone else. I will live while I’m alive.

There will be no exceptions.

You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat

Brand New // Soco Amaretto Lime

Plans are starting to solidify for the Thanksgiving holiday week.

Depending on Wednesday night, I may get up very early Thursday morning and go for a hike. Something about a chilly morning, a hot cup of coffee, and a sunrise just makes everything else seem so minicsule. And right now, I need to feel bigger than I am.

The rest of that day we’ll spend with my family potentially making home made pizzas. Later that evening I’m not sure. Maybe we’ll crash Justin’s place looking for alcohol. Maybe we’ll wander the deserted downtown streets and laugh along with those who have no place to go. Maybe we’ll hole ourselves in the house and watch movies with our feet kicking off the end of the bed until our eyelids grow heavy.

Depending on Saturday, we may end up on a short road trip on Friday for a nice day-hike. I’m not sure where we’re headed yet. Probably Daingerfield, Texoma, or the Grasslands. It’ll be Jess’ choice. Then, that evening we’re heading to Justin’s for dinner, drinks, poker, and friends. I’m pretty sure Jess’ll be driving. I’ve earned it.

As I reminded Justin early today, I’ll may be walking around flopping my penis out all over the place at his house on Friday. So, if you’re there and your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or close family member decides they’d like to take a look, please remember that they did so through their own free will. If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at them, not me. Thanks.

Though I haven’t spoken to any of my family yet, I’m hoping to talk a bunch of them into going on a hike with Jess and I on Saturday. If they agree, we’ll head out early and enjoy the morning. If not, Jess and I will spend more time at Justin’s the night before, get very drunk and not be up until noon. Then, if we still feel like hiking that afternoon, we’ll aim for a hike around sunset.

Sunday we’ll be back at my mom’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to pull this one off. Maybe I should take up smoking again just for the day.

I’d do it to you like you do it to me

So we’re not going to West Texas for Thanksgiving. Yes, I had my heart set on it. Yes, it was very much a part of my therapy. Yes, I imagine it feels a lot like taking Methadone away from a recovering heroin addict. It’s my own fault, I’ve learned my lesson and it won’t happen again. If you want more details than that buy me a drink and we’ll talk.

held in place

Taken just after sun down in Marfa, TX.

The good side of this is that I get to spend some time with friends and family. I also get to have Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday with my family including my grandparents with whom I don’t think I’ve ever had a Thanksgiving. If I’m lucky, my brother, his wife, and my nephew will be there too. I’m still going to look for a decent hike for one or two days of the week, though, and I intend to take a lot of photographs both in and out of the studio. I’ll even do it alone if I have to.

I have the worst luck. On Thursday, for the first time ever, I started downloading TV shows from the Internet. It never even occurred to me that there might be any legal issue with doing so what so ever. On Friday my Internet service was disconnected when a complaint was filed by Universal Studios against me. Apparently, sharing recordings of televisions shows is illegal despite the fact that they were broadcast unencrypted all over the globe. And, just my luck, I got caught.

If anyone happens to have Battlestar Galactica episodes 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 from this season recorded and would like to share them with me let me know. Of course, I wouldn’t want to acquire something for free that I already pay my cable company for, that would be stealing. I think. Err. Wait. Anyway. I’d also like to entertain ideas regarding methods of sharing your recorded episode with me that would not be considered illegal. Is it legal for me to look through your living room window with binoculars (with your permission of course) while you watch a pre-recorded episode of a Television Program? What if I keep my eyes closed the entire time?

it’s hard to be the better man
when you forget you’re trying
it’s hard to be the better man
when you’re still lying
you’re still lying

– Brand New / Handcuffs

I now, officially, own a pair of hiking shoes. They are the most comfortable thing I have ever tied around my foot. I want to wear them 24 hours a day. With the weather here being fairly mild, the terrain here being fairly flat, and the fact that I don’t have anyone to do any real backpacking with, they will probably suit me for most of my outdoor needs. However, I would like to acquire a sturdier boot for more strenuous treks and colder weather as well as a more ventilated hiking shoe for summer and shallow water hiking. Maybe I can get a good deal on the summer shoes in the off-season. We’ll see.

I went running around downtown on Saturday by myself: I took a few photographs; listened to some music on the street; had a cup of coffee; lusted over the beautiful lofts and huge spaces being turned up every day for creative minded people. I saw some absolutely beautiful art, too — paintings, sculpture, and photography.

I got a little jealous, though, talking to the photographers. These people are travelling the world, experiencing rich cultures, and seeing things I will probably never have an opportunity to see. Most of them aren’t filthy rich, nor do they have companies funding their expenses. They just happen to have found that equilibrium between marketing their work and producing more of it that allows them the opportunity to travel and explore. They treat themselves and their passion with importance and command that others do as well. They work, first and foremost, to please themselves. Maybe I should have been taking notes instead of looking at their photographs.

unnoticed

the pipes and tunnels of life and sewage
overlap under the skin of our hearts and cities.
quiet. unnoticed.

until something breaks, bubbling up to the surface.

friends and city planners will proclaim
no one saw it coming!
it happened all of a sudden!

loved ones and mayors will rejoice
as the flooding stops
the pipes are mended
and the skin is restored
leaving only a small scar
that will fade in time.

yet still unseen under the skin
are the small cracks and leaks.
the empty, rusted pipes
that lead to the next
unpredictable eruption.

building blocks

I’ve been tearing my life apart lately: breaking off each desire, addiction, relationship, lust, goal, need and passion like irregularly shapedLego blocks; analyzing each of them; looking for other places they might fit; putting some aside for a while to see how well I function withoutthem repainting others; cutting some into even tinier pieces. Then I put it back together: building new things, changing the shape of old things; throwing some things out entirely. I do this with the same caution I’d have forLego blocks knowing that, if I don’t like what I’ve built, I can always tear it down and try again.

Of course, I have Jess: my cornerstone; unwavering and eternal. She offers so many possibilities. Her shape doesn’t dictate who I am or how my life is fashioned, she only enhances the structure; makes more beautiful and more stable than anything built without her. There are other blocks, too, that are certain: without some blocks, it would be impossible to call the final structure “me”; some are tootightly bound to pry apart; some I just can’t seem to build without.

I know that, ultimately, it’s something I have to do alone. But company is nice from time to time: someone to “ooh” and “ahhh” at the beautiful but way too fragile tower; someone to laugh when I fashion a pair of breasts from the blocks and stuff them under my shirt; someone to help put the last block on the top when we see just how high we can stack them; someone to help me figure out which pieces just won’t budge no matter how hard I smash them against the kitchen floor. These things make the building easier: they make the failures more acceptable; they make the triumphs more triumphant; they make starting over less disappointing; they make the time pass more quickly; they offer breaks in between builds.

I’ve found myself in bed before 9pm on more than one occasion these past few weeks; unhappy with my progress, and too frustrated to try again, yet without a means of distraction in order to keep me from fidgeting with the blocks. Sleeping, sometimes, is the only safe way to make everything shut up and keep my hands off of things so that I can start again fresh the next day.

If it’s enthralling enough, television is a decent distraction as well. I watched Battlestar Galactica for the first time yesterday; the pilot. Wow! This show is amazing. I know, I know; a lot of you have been saying that for a while now and I haven’t been listening to you. But I’m listening now. I’ll be watching another episode every day I have a chance from now until whenever I run out. Maybe even two on the weekends.

I’ve lost 3 pounds so far this week. I’m constantly hungry, and yet mostly unwilling to eat. I’m afraid that even the smallest bit of something that comforting will send me into a binge. I can’t eat just one chocolate from the bag; I eat them all. Then I have to apologize to Jess for eating all her candy. But I am eating breakfast now, which is a habit I should have picked up a long time ago.

I’m having coffee and dinner with Jess and a few friends tonight. I need this more than I’m willing to admit: an escape; a distraction. Either tonight, tomorrow morning, or Saturday night — depending on how the evening works out — I’ll be heading out for some night photography. It’ll be cold and dark, with way too much coffee, and lots of time to think, maybe even talk if I’m not alone: another escape. Then, next week, West Texas: a great expanse of everything and nothing all at once.

digging deeper

How deep do I really want to dig into my own mind? I mean, if you look me in the eyes and ask me that question, I’ll avert my eyes and answer with, “as deep as I can”. As a logical, thinking man filled with reason and wonder with an open mind and nothing to hide, that’s really the only answer. But the truth of the matter is, I’m scared to death to go too far.

a long way to go

Taken on a dirt road in the Guadalupe Mountains National Park.

What if I decide to dig so deep that I start to analyze all the things that I do simply because they make me feel wanted, appreciated, or desired? What if, in doing so, I realize that there is nothing in my life that makes me feel desired that I don’t instigate myself? What if I also realize that aside from the things I do to acquire this feeling from others, I do nothing else? What if there is nothing that I do that directly brings me a sense of appreciation? Then that would mean I’m pretty damn dependant on other people.

There is a natural give and take that occurs in most relationships. While I won’t go as far as to say that I don’t believe in unconditional relationships, I have seen very few in the lives of other people and don’t feel impartial enough to analyze those in my own life. Assuming there is no such thing, I’m quite happy to accept the notion that everyone “uses” everyone. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that, in my experience, there are only three reasons that a relationship between any two people continues to exist.

First, there are “equals”. This is the best, happiest, most stable type of relationship. In these cases, each side depends on the other in an equal fashion. This leaves a sense of fairness, equality, and happiness with both participants.

Secondly, there are “futures”. Often, one side gives more than the other because there is a perceived notion of a future reward. These types of relationships often start out feeling wonderful. There is a sense of giving on one side, and a huge sense of gratitude on the other. However, over time, if the rewards have not come, that sense of gratitude fades into expectation and the happiness that came with giving only feels tired and angry. The giving person continues giving believing that they’ve come this far and that they might as well stick it out to the end, not really knowing how far away the end is. The longer a relationship of this type lasts in this state, the more unhappy it grows. Eventually, bitterness and dependency are all that remains.

Finally, there are “settlers”. These relationships that exist without equilibrium because one side believes it would be difficult to find greater compensation somewhere else. In other words, one side believes, “this is as good as it gets”.

So, if I analyze all my relationships and find that they are all “equals”, then life is good and I am happy. But what if I find I am plagued only with “futures” and “settlers”? Will I have the balls to let go of them and set forth on my own? Will I even have the balls to acknowledge that this is the case? If not, then what’s the point of looking in that deep if knowing these things will only make me more unhappy and still unwilling to fix anything?

(574 words)

website house keeping

First of all, since I’ve been putting off the final touches for what seems like forever now, I’m just going to do it. “Arranging Light”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/, my “new”photoblog is officially in use. There are a few small changes that will take place in the near future, but, for most purposes, it’s ready to go. Until this point, I’ve been using it to hold images that I publish along side content here at *revjim.net*. I will continue to do that, however, in addition, I will be posting other images to that site on a, hopefully, nearly daily basis. I wish for it to blossom into an open arena for me to share and experiment with photography.

Please, “have a look around”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/. Those of you that use a “News Aggregator”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aggregator can subscribe to the “Arranging Light RSS Feed”:http://djamesphoto.com/arranginglight/feed/. LiveJournal users can add arranginglight to their friends lists.

Secondly, believe it or not, there are some *revjim.net* readers that don’t use a “News Aggregator”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aggregator or some other service that I cross post to (like “LiveJournal.com”:http://revjim.livejournal.com/ or “Tribe.net”:http://people.tribe.net/daniel-james) in order to stay on top of my life, my writing, and my photographs. That’s right, there are some readers who actually type r-e-v-j-i-m-dot-net into their browsers every couple of days just to have a look and see what I’m up to lately. There are others who just got used to me updating my “MySpace”:http://myspace.com/revjim blog from time to time with content from here and are jones-ing for a fix now that I’ve stopped.

Well, if you fall into this category, I’ve got good news for you. *revjim.net* now provides updates via email. That’s right! Plug your email address into my “email subscription”:http://revjim.net/subscribe/ page, verify your email address, and, from that point forward you’ll get a nice friendly email on days that I publish new content.

Subscribe Now!

I don’t have an email service setup for the photoblog yet. If you’d be interested in such a thing, let me know, and I’ll set one up for that too.