November, 2006:

So we’re not going to West Texas for Thanksgiving. Yes, I had my heart set on it. Yes, it was very much a part of my therapy. Yes, I imagine it feels a lot like taking Methadone away from a recovering heroin addict. It’s my own fault, I’ve learned my lesson and it won’t happen again. If you want more details than that buy me a drink and we’ll talk.

The good side of this is that I get to spend some time with friends and family. I also get to have Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday with my family including my grandparents with whom I don’t think I’ve ever had a Thanksgiving. If I’m lucky, my brother, his wife, and my nephew will be there too. I’m still going to look for a decent hike for one or two days of the week, though, and I intend to take a lot of photographs both in and out of the studio. I’ll even do it alone if I have to.

I have the worst luck. On Thursday, for the first time ever, I started downloading TV shows from the Internet. It never even occurred to me that there might be any legal issue with doing so what so ever. On Friday my Internet service was disconnected when a complaint was filed by Universal Studios against me. Apparently, sharing recordings of televisions shows is illegal despite the fact that they were broadcast unencrypted all over the globe. And, just my luck, I got caught.

If anyone happens to have Battlestar Galactica episodes 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 from this season recorded and would like to share them with me let me know. Of course, I wouldn’t want to acquire something for free that I already pay my cable company for, that would be stealing. I think. Err. Wait. Anyway. I’d also like to entertain ideas regarding methods of sharing your recorded episode with me that would not be considered illegal. Is it legal for me to look through your living room window with binoculars (with your permission of course) while you watch a pre-recorded episode of a Television Program? What if I keep my eyes closed the entire time?

it’s hard to be the better man
when you forget you’re trying
it’s hard to be the better man
when you’re still lying
you’re still lying

– Brand New / Handcuffs

I now, officially, own a pair of hiking shoes. They are the most comfortable thing I have ever tied around my foot. I want to wear them 24 hours a day. With the weather here being fairly mild, the terrain here being fairly flat, and the fact that I don’t have anyone to do any real backpacking with, they will probably suit me for most of my outdoor needs. However, I would like to acquire a sturdier boot for more strenuous treks and colder weather as well as a more ventilated hiking shoe for summer and shallow water hiking. Maybe I can get a good deal on the summer shoes in the off-season. We’ll see.

I went running around downtown on Saturday by myself: I took a few photographs; listened to some music on the street; had a cup of coffee; lusted over the beautiful lofts and huge spaces being turned up every day for creative minded people. I saw some absolutely beautiful art, too — paintings, sculpture, and photography.

I got a little jealous, though, talking to the photographers. These people are travelling the world, experiencing rich cultures, and seeing things I will probably never have an opportunity to see. Most of them aren’t filthy rich, nor do they have companies funding their expenses. They just happen to have found that equilibrium between marketing their work and producing more of it that allows them the opportunity to travel and explore. They treat themselves and their passion with importance and command that others do as well. They work, first and foremost, to please themselves. Maybe I should have been taking notes instead of looking at their photographs.

I’ve been tearing my life apart lately: breaking off each desire, addiction, relationship, lust, goal, need and passion like irregularly shapedLego blocks; analyzing each of them; looking for other places they might fit; putting some aside for a while to see how well I function withoutthem repainting others; cutting some into even tinier pieces. Then I put it back together: building new things, changing the shape of old things; throwing some things out entirely. I do this with the same caution I’d have forLego blocks knowing that, if I don’t like what I’ve built, I can always tear it down and try again.

Of course, I have Jess: my cornerstone; unwavering and eternal. She offers so many possibilities. Her shape doesn’t dictate who I am or how my life is fashioned, she only enhances the structure; makes more beautiful and more stable than anything built without her. There are other blocks, too, that are certain: without some blocks, it would be impossible to call the final structure “me”; some are tootightly bound to pry apart; some I just can’t seem to build without.

I know that, ultimately, it’s something I have to do alone. But company is nice from time to time: someone to “ooh” and “ahhh” at the beautiful but way too fragile tower; someone to laugh when I fashion a pair of breasts from the blocks and stuff them under my shirt; someone to help put the last block on the top when we see just how high we can stack them; someone to help me figure out which pieces just won’t budge no matter how hard I smash them against the kitchen floor. These things make the building easier: they make the failures more acceptable; they make the triumphs more triumphant; they make starting over less disappointing; they make the time pass more quickly; they offer breaks in between builds.

I’ve found myself in bed before 9pm on more than one occasion these past few weeks; unhappy with my progress, and too frustrated to try again, yet without a means of distraction in order to keep me from fidgeting with the blocks. Sleeping, sometimes, is the only safe way to make everything shut up and keep my hands off of things so that I can start again fresh the next day.

If it’s enthralling enough, television is a decent distraction as well. I watched Battlestar Galactica for the first time yesterday; the pilot. Wow! This show is amazing. I know, I know; a lot of you have been saying that for a while now and I haven’t been listening to you. But I’m listening now. I’ll be watching another episode every day I have a chance from now until whenever I run out. Maybe even two on the weekends.

I’ve lost 3 pounds so far this week. I’m constantly hungry, and yet mostly unwilling to eat. I’m afraid that even the smallest bit of something that comforting will send me into a binge. I can’t eat just one chocolate from the bag; I eat them all. Then I have to apologize to Jess for eating all her candy. But I am eating breakfast now, which is a habit I should have picked up a long time ago.

I’m having coffee and dinner with Jess and a few friends tonight. I need this more than I’m willing to admit: an escape; a distraction. Either tonight, tomorrow morning, or Saturday night — depending on how the evening works out — I’ll be heading out for some night photography. It’ll be cold and dark, with way too much coffee, and lots of time to think, maybe even talk if I’m not alone: another escape. Then, next week, West Texas: a great expanse of everything and nothing all at once.

How deep do I really want to dig into my own mind? I mean, if you look me in the eyes and ask me that question, I’ll avert my eyes and answer with, “as deep as I can”. As a logical, thinking man filled with reason and wonder with an open mind and nothing to hide, that’s really the only answer. But the truth of the matter is, I’m scared to death to go too far.

What if I decide to dig so deep that I start to analyze all the things that I do simply because they make me feel wanted, appreciated, or desired? What if, in doing so, I realize that there is nothing in my life that makes me feel desired that I don’t instigate myself? What if I also realize that aside from the things I do to acquire this feeling from others, I do nothing else? What if there is nothing that I do that directly brings me a sense of appreciation? Then that would mean I’m pretty damn dependant on other people.

There is a natural give and take that occurs in most relationships. While I won’t go as far as to say that I don’t believe in unconditional relationships, I have seen very few in the lives of other people and don’t feel impartial enough to analyze those in my own life. Assuming there is no such thing, I’m quite happy to accept the notion that everyone “uses” everyone. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that, in my experience, there are only three reasons that a relationship between any two people continues to exist.

First, there are “equals”. This is the best, happiest, most stable type of relationship. In these cases, each side depends on the other in an equal fashion. This leaves a sense of fairness, equality, and happiness with both participants.

Secondly, there are “futures”. Often, one side gives more than the other because there is a perceived notion of a future reward. These types of relationships often start out feeling wonderful. There is a sense of giving on one side, and a huge sense of gratitude on the other. However, over time, if the rewards have not come, that sense of gratitude fades into expectation and the happiness that came with giving only feels tired and angry. The giving person continues giving believing that they’ve come this far and that they might as well stick it out to the end, not really knowing how far away the end is. The longer a relationship of this type lasts in this state, the more unhappy it grows. Eventually, bitterness and dependency are all that remains.

Finally, there are “settlers”. These relationships that exist without equilibrium because one side believes it would be difficult to find greater compensation somewhere else. In other words, one side believes, “this is as good as it gets”.

So, if I analyze all my relationships and find that they are all “equals”, then life is good and I am happy. But what if I find I am plagued only with “futures” and “settlers”? Will I have the balls to let go of them and set forth on my own? Will I even have the balls to acknowledge that this is the case? If not, then what’s the point of looking in that deep if knowing these things will only make me more unhappy and still unwilling to fix anything?

(574 words)