How deep do I really want to dig into my own mind? I mean, if you look me in the eyes and ask me that question, I’ll avert my eyes and answer with, “as deep as I can”. As a logical, thinking man filled with reason and wonder with an open mind and nothing to hide, that’s really the only answer. But the truth of the matter is, I’m scared to death to go too far.
What if I decide to dig so deep that I start to analyze all the things that I do simply because they make me feel wanted, appreciated, or desired? What if, in doing so, I realize that there is nothing in my life that makes me feel desired that I don’t instigate myself? What if I also realize that aside from the things I do to acquire this feeling from others, I do nothing else? What if there is nothing that I do that directly brings me a sense of appreciation? Then that would mean I’m pretty damn dependant on other people.
There is a natural give and take that occurs in most relationships. While I won’t go as far as to say that I don’t believe in unconditional relationships, I have seen very few in the lives of other people and don’t feel impartial enough to analyze those in my own life. Assuming there is no such thing, I’m quite happy to accept the notion that everyone “uses” everyone. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that, in my experience, there are only three reasons that a relationship between any two people continues to exist.
First, there are “equals”. This is the best, happiest, most stable type of relationship. In these cases, each side depends on the other in an equal fashion. This leaves a sense of fairness, equality, and happiness with both participants.
Secondly, there are “futures”. Often, one side gives more than the other because there is a perceived notion of a future reward. These types of relationships often start out feeling wonderful. There is a sense of giving on one side, and a huge sense of gratitude on the other. However, over time, if the rewards have not come, that sense of gratitude fades into expectation and the happiness that came with giving only feels tired and angry. The giving person continues giving believing that they’ve come this far and that they might as well stick it out to the end, not really knowing how far away the end is. The longer a relationship of this type lasts in this state, the more unhappy it grows. Eventually, bitterness and dependency are all that remains.
Finally, there are “settlers”. These relationships that exist without equilibrium because one side believes it would be difficult to find greater compensation somewhere else. In other words, one side believes, “this is as good as it gets”.
So, if I analyze all my relationships and find that they are all “equals”, then life is good and I am happy. But what if I find I am plagued only with “futures” and “settlers”? Will I have the balls to let go of them and set forth on my own? Will I even have the balls to acknowledge that this is the case? If not, then what’s the point of looking in that deep if knowing these things will only make me more unhappy and still unwilling to fix anything?
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