And so it ends. One month of blogging and much, much more.
I managed 17 entries in that time span. Not quite the 30 I had hoped for, but I'll take it.
Amid ongoing self-deconstruction, emotional and mental hardships and failures, photography outings, publishing 13 new photographs, and the normal buzz that is the background of any given November, I wrote. I wrote personal entries about myself: my thoughts, my life, who I am, what changes me, what I love, and what I'm afraid of. I did so freely and with little reservation.
Also, mostly unannounced, I made a point to reach out to people. I made more phone calls than I usually do. I spent time with people even if I was too busy to do so. I sent more emails than I usually do. I actually used MySpace on an almost daily basis. I removed the filters from my daily blog and journal reading lists so that I would have an opportunity to interact with people that have slowly been slipping away. I commented more liberally than usual, just to make sure that my presence was known and that my thoughts were communicated. I really reached out. I really opened myself up. More so than I have in a long time, anyway.
With face-to-face conversation, telephone calls, instant messages, and one-to-one emails a response is assured (or a lack thereof is a response itself) . Therefore, I had no need to request that anything specific be done differently. However, due to the nearly one-way nature of broad-casted communication (like this blog, for instance) I requested that my readers comment just to let me know that they are reading and that my words are appreciated or meaningful to them.
My goal was to give every relationship a chance. To give every method of communication a shot. To give *more* than I'm given with all the people I've ever cared about or ever wished I could be closer to.
So now I have a nice warm belly full of relief and a giant lump of fear in my throat. I am relieved because I was able to show myself that my beliefs that many of my relationships are unequal are not unfounded. I am also relieved because I did find genuine friendships amidst those that I just hold on to for the sake of holding on and those that are clearly setup against my advantage. I am afraid, however, that I will crack when I try to follow through with what I know needs to be done.
To my friends: if I was a bit too hectic, needy, pushy, depressed, or emotional with you this past month, I apologize. It's been very hard on me and you've shown yourselves to be true friends and I am ever grateful for that. Hopefully, thanks to your support this past month, I will find more time for me, more time for the things that I love, and more time for the people I care about that care about me in return.
