I laid me down upon a bank,
Where Love lay sleeping;
I heard among the rushes dank
Weeping, weeping.Then I went to the heath and the wild,
To the thistles and thorns of the waste;
And they told me how they were beguiled,
Driven out, and compelled to the chaste.I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen;
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.And the gates of this Chapel were shut
And "Thou shalt not," writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore.And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tombstones where flowers should be;
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars my joys and desires.
– “The Garden of Love” from Songs of Experience by William Blake
The past 12 months have taught me a great lesson: my idealism has been responsible for a large portion of my unhappiness, my complications, my frustration, my feeling of being used and alone, and my constantly being upstaged. This lesson was taught through a combination of smaller observations of things that have always been present but that I just never saw before now.
First of all, I realized that most people evolve to a state of overconfidence regarding themselves. I have always been underconfident of myself and my abilities because I’ve always held the adage that, no matter how good I am at something, there is always someone bigger and better than me in the world. I find that most people, however, are eager to talk themselves up, commit to something they are uncertain they can accomplish, or pass uncertain statements off as factual. I have seen this to be true amongst family, friends, co-workers, teachers, politicians, organizations and business men. This doesn’t apply to everyone, of course, and, even to those it does apply to, it doesn’t always apply to them all the time. Furthermore, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Imagine, for a moment, the outcome of the small business that practices underconfidence (along side honesty and integrity and all the other facets consumers want a small business to have). Let’s use a small portrait studio as an example.
Photographers would like to think that their clients come to them for their specific style of art and, therefore, there is no substitute for them. But the truth is, in most cases, clients come to a photographer because they want photographs and perceive quality in that photographer’s work. Imagine if a photographer said, “Before you book your appointment, ma’am, you should know that for the same sitting fee, there is another photographer across town that has twice the experience I do. His style is a little different than mine, but he’s very professional.”. Of course, the photographer making such a statement would hope for a response like “well, Daniel, it’s *YOUR* style that we’re after, for which there is no substitute”. But, as I mentioned above, that isn’t the case with most clients.
Or, perhaps he were to say, “I know things are tight for you right now. There’s a photographer around the way that does the same thing I do for half the price, so I’m going to give you half off my usual rates.” Or, maybe, “I want you to be happy with the work we produce. So, instead of charging you a sitting fee, I’m just going to charge you for the prints you select” followed a few weeks later by “I apologize that my prints aren’t as cheap as they are at Wal-Mart. The truth is, I get my prints made at Wal-Mart. So why don’t I just give you the digital negatives so you can make whatever prints you’d like.”
Overconfidence is the norm. If it weren’t simply exhibiting overconfidence would present an upper hand. However, since it is, being realistically underconfident, while genuine, and ideal, is a serious disadvantage.
I also have noticed that, while most people are generally good-natured and altruistic, the core of the self is, just that: the self. People are more selfish than they generally admit, perhaps more than they realize. For the most part, if there is not some reward in the end, people will not do it. This isn’t really a bad thing, it’s just the way it is. If everyone regularly acted selflessly, the world would be more ideal. However, a single selfish act would represent a huge societal advantage. Therefore, all persons have evolved a sense of selfishness as a method of survival to the point where being selfless is personally hindering.
Even the generous, giving, donating, volunteering, homeless feeding, child adopting, bridge building people of the world are not committing truly selfless acts. They reap the benefits of being known as a giver, and the benefits of feeling good about what they’ve done and what they’ve accomplished and, for the most part, only those with the means to give are giving. $1,000,000 to world hunger from Bill Gates may be a lot of money, but it isn’t going to break the bank. A $10 donation from a homeless, jobless man is certainly a greater donation despite the fact that it will be less appreciated.
It reminds me of the episode from Friends where Phoebe tries to do a single selfless act (s05e04; “The one where Phoebe hates PBS”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_Where_Phoebe_Hates_PBS). She goes through many iterations attempting to do so, even going as far as to let a bee sting her for the bee’s sake (not knowing that the bee would die immediately afterwards). She eventually thinks she’s done it by donating money to a PBS telethon even though she hates PBS. This is foiled, however, when Joey is recognized for handling the call of her generous donation which, in turn, makes Phoebe happy. There are very few truly, honestly, really, selfless acts available.
Finally, I’ve recognized that most people do not change. Well, they do, but we’ll never know it. As long as we accept that people will change, they will not. People can change. They absolutely can. However, they rarely change when the people around them accept that they will.
For instance, imagine a friend that constantly borrows money and never pays it back. If every time that friend needs to borrow more money he says (and possibly even believes himself) that he has changed and that this time will be different, by simply lending him money again he is rewarded for having not changed at all which only leads to the money not being repaid. By not accepting that he has changed we have the potential of actually instigating that change in him. Unfortunately, by not accepting that he has changed, if the change does actually occur as a result of this we’ll never know it because we’re now unwilling to accept that he has changed and, therefore, will never lend him money again.
Another example is the angry, wife-beating drunk. Time and time again he tells his wife that he didn’t mean it, that he’ll seek counseling, and that he’ll change. Time and time again she believes him, accepts him as changed, and trusts that things will be better. In doing so, he is rewarded for having not changed at all and goes right back to his old, angry, wife-beating, drunken actions. It is not until she leaves him for what he’s done that the possibly of change actually presents himself. Assuming he wants to change and that he doesn’t manage to rope in a new helpless victim in the meantime, he might actually manage to make change in himself. But the wife who left him will never know that. Because the only reason she left in the first place was because she finally realized that he’ll never change.
So, while people can change, the change only occurs when the people that want them to change stop believing that they will. Only then can the change occur, and, by then, it’s too late for those who want the change. So, as far as our perspective is concerned, people do not change.
These small observations have had a huge impact on me. I’ve always seen the world colored in the way that I would color it. I am generally underconfident, so I assumed others were too. I always seek out opportunities to be selfless, and therefore assumed that it was no only possible, but that others sought it out too. I’ve always tried to change myself into something better and mold myself into something that I would respect, and I assumed others had similar personal goals. I never expected that the world was a cold, selfish, lying, heartless, unchanging entity.
My Garden of Love has been lost and all that is left are graves and tombstones. I’m not bitter, or angry. Just hurt, and, now, experienced. Innocence and ignorance was bliss for a time. Now I’ll learn this new life.