Friends, family, clergymen:
Open your minds, hearts, and shirts and bear witness to my testimony.
It has been quite some time since I’ve approached you with any news, heavenly demands, or words of wisdom from our great lord. To rectify that, I will provide all three today.
Many of you have made offerings to the church many times more than is required of you. This greatly pleases the lord and you shall be rewarded both on Earth and in heaven. However, there are many of you who have neglected your duties and have stirred the wrath of the lord. Neglect not! For he has even provided you with the means to sacrifice: the lamb that fill your pastures slaughtered by knife and by fire; the money that fills your bank accounts offered by cash, check, or paypal; your words and prayers offered by written letter, electronic mail, text message, or sky writing; and the blessed bodies underneath your clothing presented in person, or by photograph sent by mail or electronic means. Thus sayeth the lord.
His holiness brings you this news. Those of you who manage to stay awake while sitting in the pews will surely remember that I’ve been entertaining the possibility of a move to to the great salt city of the north — Syracuse, NY. Should this move take place, I had planned on bringing with me only one of you in the beginning — my wife: the chief concubine of my harem, and the keeper of my seraglio. If the vials of tears, lockets of blood, locks of hair, swaddled babies, and plain envelopes stuffed with slightly used and unwashed underwear that arrived at my door daily are any indication, I know that many of you were saddened by this news.
For you, I have new reason to weep. The lord both giveth and taketh away as it pleases him. What was certainly a sure thing a short two months ago is now only a slight possibility. Yes, my sheep, you’ve heard correctly. There is a strong possibility that the church of Reverend Jim will remain headquartered on the great plains of the south — Dallas, TX. While the exact reasons behind this change of plan are known only to the lord whose way is always right — I can tell you that the means by which his will was made known indicate that his power is indeed mighty. His will descended on to the Earth, not through his own employ of angels, spirits, prophets, and natural acts, but through the hand of evil itself who unknowingly provides the greatest monetary contribution to the church — my employer. For there are many a heathen in the pollen producing, bacteria pleasing, sweltering heat and humidity of the southern plains who need their heads turned toward the light of the lord — through love or passion, by shame or fear, or, as needed, by a forcing of the spinal column. Squeeze your thighs together and rejoice, my people.
Remember that, aside from the lord and the love you share with one another, all things, no matter how wonderful or terrible, are only temporary. Love one another and live together in peace. Let not your fears and worries regarding each other go unrepresented before the sun should fall each night, for the devil plays on those fears that go unchecked in your sleep. Wear as little worry as you can each night before you retire and pray that the lord clear your mind of the doubts that remain. Symbolize your naked mind by wearing no clothing to bed and pray that the lord fill your with thoughts befitting your nude form.
Let these words into your heart. Let them fill you with my love. Let them touch your mind, and hearts, and chests, and thighs. Lift up your shirts and proclaim his power, lest he leave you without his voice.
Go in peace.